Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, March 5 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Ex-Con Used Cat To Clobber Senior ___________________________________________________ Today, March 5 in 1953 Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin died. He had been in power for 29 years. ____________________________________________________ All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. --- Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642) Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves. --- J. B. Priestley (1894 - 1984) ____________________________________________________ After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!" ____________________________________________________ A doctor's secretary in Oregon called an old farmer out my way and said: "Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ On a trip to Enseada, Mexico, for the day, we parked in front of some interesting-looking shops. A little boy ran over to us and said, "Seor, I watch your car, fifty cent!" I asked him to wait "un momento" and entered a shop to ask the owner in Spanish about the young lad. He explained to me, "You give him the fifty cents, he runs away. You don't give him money, he runs away with your hubcaps and gas cap." __________________________________________________ Reported by Moe An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Wendi Hird, 56, Largo, Florida, USA Ex-Con Used Cat To Clobber Senior An ex-con is back behind bars after she allegedly struck her male roommate in the face with the pairs cat, according to an arrest report. Police say that Wendi Hird, 56, and the 73-year-old victim were involved in a verbal argument late Sunday evening in their Largo, Florida home when the dispute turned violent. Hird, cops say, took their cat and threw it on the victims face, causing the cat to scratch the victims face. Hird then followed up the feline attack by striking the man in the face. An arrest affidavit does not reveal the cats age or weight. The victim suffered minor injuries during the incident, for which Hird was arrested for domestic battery on a person over the age of 65, a felony. Hird, seen above, is being held in the county jail in lieu of $4000 bond, and has been ordered by a judge to have no contact with the victim. Hirds rap sheet includes an assortment of convictions for crimes like theft, battery, drunk driving, possession of drug paraphernalia, prostitution, and probation violation. Following a 2005 conviction for battery on a law enforcement officer, Hird spent nearly five years in state prison. She had previously served a year in prison for escaping from police custody. In 2018, Hird was arrested for allegedly battering the same man who is identified as the victim in her new case. Prosecutors, however, subsequently declined to pursue a felony charge against Hird. The victim is described in 2018 court records as a platonic roommate of Hirds who previously had been a romantic partner. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Elaine Re: Onion Dear Webby, I used to read an online paper called Onion or something like that. It was rather goofy and had fake news, but was quite funny. Is it still around? Elaine Dear Elaine Yes, THEonion.com http://theonion.com is definitely still active. Just don't take their "News" seriously! They take Demcrat propaganda and exaggerate it some more, but they also make up stories from scratch. Have FUN! DearWebby At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes a week. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "maybe the horses are a lot older now?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ During taxi-ing towards their departure runway, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" ____________________________________________ The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions. At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?" He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up. The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?" The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband." ____________________________________________ An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff. The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Why, yes, I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" "Hmmm, I'm not sure, ...... but it smells like a pine tree fell on an outhouse." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today, March 5 in 1623 The first alcohol temperance law in the colonies was enacted in Virginia. 1624 In the American colony of Virginia, the upper class was exempted from whipping by legislation. 1750 "King Richard III" was performed in New York City. It was the first Shakespearean play to be presented in America. 1766 The first Spanish governor of Louisiana, Antonio de Ulloa, arrived in New Orleans. 1770 "The Boston Massacre" took place when British troops fired on a crowd in Boston killing five people. Two British troops were later convicted of manslaughter. 1793 Austrian troops defeated the French and recaptured Liege. 1836 Samuel Colt's Patent Arms Manufacturing of Paterson, New Jersey, was chartered by the New Jersey legislature. 1842 A Mexican force of over 500 men under Rafael Vasquez invaded Texas for the first time since the revolution. They briefly occupied San Antonio, but soon headed back to the Rio Grande. 1845 The U.S. Congress appropriated $30,000 to ship camels to the western U.S. 1867 An abortive Fenian uprising against English rule took place in Ireland. 1872 George Westinghouse patented his air brake, which became the standard air brake on trains and trucks.. 1900 Two U.S. battleships left for Nicaragua to halt revolutionary disturbances. 1901 Germany and Britain began negotiations with hopes of creating an alliance, however Britain was preparing for WWI. 1902 In France, the National Congress of Miners decided to call for a general strike for an 8-hour day. 1907 In St. Petersburg, Russia, the new Duma opened. 40,000 demonstrators were dispersed by troops. 1910 In Philadelphia, PA, 60,000 people left their jobs to show support for striking transit workers. 1910 The Moroccan envoy signed the 1909 agreement with France. 1912 The Italians became the first to use dirigibles for military purposes. They used them for reconnaissance flights behind Turkish lines west of Tripoli. 1918 The Soviets moved the capital of Russia from Petrograd to Moscow. 1922 "Annie Oakley" (Phoebe Ann Moses) broke all existing records for women's trap shooting. She hit 98 out of 100 targets. 1923 Old-age pension laws were enacted in the states of Montana and Nevada. 1933 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered a four-day bank holiday in order to stop large amounts of money from being withdrawn from banks. 1933 The Nazi Party won 44 percent of the vote in German parliamentary elections. 1934 In Amarillo, TX, the first Mother's-In-Law Day was celebrated. 1943 Germany called fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds for military service due to war losses. 1946 Winston Churchill delivered his "Iron Curtain Speech". 1946 The U.S. sent protests to the U.S.S.R. on incursions into Manchuria and Iran. 1953 Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin died. He had been in power for 29 years. 1956 The U.S. Supreme Court affirmed the ban on segregation in public schools. 1970 A nuclear non-proliferation treaty went into effect after 43 nations ratified it. 1976 The British pound fell below the equivalent of $2 for the first time in history. 1984 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that cities had the right to display the Nativity scene as part of their Christmas display. 1984 The U.S. accused Iraq of using poison gas. 1993 Communist Cuban President Fidel Castro said that Hillary Clinton was "a beautiful woman." 1997 North Korea and South Korea met for first time in 25 years for peace talks. 1998 NASA announced that an orbiting craft had found enough water on the moon to support a human colony and rocket fueling station. 1998 It was announced that Air Force Lt. Col. Eileen Collins would lead crew of Columbia on a mission to launch a large X- ray telescope. She was the first woman to command a space shuttle mission. 2021 Do smiled. |
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