| Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 13 ___________________________________________________ The UFOs didn't come back. I slept a full 2 hours last night and feel great. ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 13 in 1985, A confrontation between Philadelphia authorities and the radical group MOVE ended as police dropped an explosive onto the group's headquarters. Eleven people died in the fire that resulted. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Phoenix crook arrested for beating and kicking downed officer _____________________________________________________ Q Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time. --- E. B. White (1899 - 1985) Democracy is the fantasy that 30 kids can outvote the teacher and decide that going outside and playing in mud puddles is more important than learning to read. --- Socratex ___________________________________________________ An Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To double- check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one. The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might." So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way. The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National weather Service again and asks, "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." ______________________________________________________ Discovering too late that a watermelon fruit punch spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local rabbis, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the head waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy stealing seeds from each other aand slipping the seeds into their pockets." ______________________________________________________ Daniel Patrick Western Tanager, Alberta __________________________________________________ >From Doreen Our Lamaze Class Included A Tour Of The Pediatric Wing Of The Hospital. When A New Baby Was Brought Into The Nursery, All The Women Tried To Guess Its Weight, But The Guy Standing Next To Me Was The Only Male To Venture A Number. "Looks Like 9 Pounds," He Offered Confidently. "This Must Not Be Your First," I Said. "Oh, Yes," He Said. "It's My First." "Then How Would You Know The Weight Of A Baby?" I Asked. He Shrugged. "I'm A Fisherman." __________________________________________________ No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is MAD at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. Never trust an overweight teenager to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Writing on desks and getting caught can teach you more Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic- tac. Puppies will probably have worse breath after eating a whole bowl of tic-tacs The carpet will have really really bad breath when you feed the puppy cotton candy to try to sweeten his breath and he pukes. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. OK, try it but just once OK, but stop when you run out of cats. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere-and let the air out of their tires. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Forget the health food. Try preservatives instead. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Two pounds of candy can make a person gain five pounds. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. When you get to the stage of life when you know all the answers,people will stop asking you the questions. Time is an amazing healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one- third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home. ___________________________________________________ From: Gloria Re: Online Maps Dear Webby, At one time Google had really good maps, but now it seems they got too greedy. There is all kinds of silly crap and demands for signing up and payments. I most definitely would not recommend them anymore. And Microzofts mapping software is hopelessly out of date, if you can get it started in the first place. They spent Bilions sending planes all over the place to map the entire USA, and then let it all crash. What do you use for maps and directions? Gloria Dear Gloria Yes, I noticed that too, and went back to Mapquest. Google Maps were great in the 90s and early 2000s, but now I too would not recommend them. Good old Mapquest from AOL still works. It is rather crude, and graphics are awful, but you can use it to plan a route to a new shopping center or doctor. Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ >From Linda THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts. 2. Its lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during siesta time this should be banned. 3. On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I dont like spicy food. 4. We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price. 5. The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room. 6. We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand was white but it was more yellow. 7. They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. 8. No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared. 9. Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers. 10. We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish. 11. The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun. 12. It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair. 13. I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller. 14. The brochure stated: No hairdressers at the resort. Were trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service. 15. There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners. 16. We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning. 17. It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel. 18. I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes. 19. My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________ Photo Jenn Taggart Waterton, AB ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by Phoenix crook arrested for beating and kicking officer Rudy Gomez, 24, Phoenix, Arizona, USA - A man has now been indicted on numerous assault charges after he reportedly brutally attacked a Phoenix Police officer last month. The incident happened at around 10:30 p.m. on April 30 at a strip mall near Central Avenue and Thomas Road. Police say the officer was responding to a fight in the area. The suspect is identified as Rudy Gomez, 24. "A Phoenix police officer was flagged down in the area of Central Avenue and Thomas Road by a woman needing help. The woman indicated she had been assaulted by the father of her children, Rudy Gomez. As the officer was talking with the woman, Gomez approached the officer in a highly agitated manner," police said in a news release. Adding, "Gomez assaulted the officer, who ended up on the ground with Gomez punching him multiple times in the face and kicking him while he was down." According to court documents, the officer suffered multiple injuries, including fractured orbital sockets, a laceration on the back of his head and above his right eye, and a fractured nasal septum and nasal bone. "[The officer] was rendered unconscious and had no recollection as to why he was in the hospital," court documents read. The officer has since been released from the hospital and is recovering at home. Gomez was taken into custody by other officers at the scene. After he was placed under arrest, Gomez allegedly admitted to drinking before the incident started and said he was angry at the woman because "she left without giving him the opportunity to say good bye [sic] to the children." Gomez caught up with the woman near 7th Street and Thomas Road where he allegedly broke the driver's side window of the woman's car, however, he denied striking the woman. He said he then saw the woman talking to the officer and "knew he was going to be arrested." "He said he was going to get tackled by the officer, so I just flipped,'" court documents read. "My rage just came out," Gomez said when asked why he fought with the officer. Gomez reportedly has a criminal record and just got off probation in 2022. Officials with the Maricopa County Attorney's Office have asked for a $100,000 cash bail for Gomez, but a judge reportedly reduced that to $60,000 cash or bond. On May 11, the attorney's office announced that Gomez was indicted on three counts of aggravated assault, four counts of endangerment and one count of assault. To add insult to injury, a Maricopa County Libtard judge, Kenneth Skiff, set bond at a shockingly low $60,000 secured appearance bond, despite the seven charges that include two Class 2 felonies for aggravated assault on a police officer, a prior aggravated assault, and the $100,000 cash bond requested by the Maricopa County Attorneys Office. Karma will bite THAT judge in the ass! ____________________________________________________ Today, May 13 in 1607, An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport arrived at Jamestown, Virginia. The passengers went ashore the next day and this site became the first permanent settlement English colony in America. 1779, The War of Bavarian Succession ended. 1787, Captain Arthur Phillip left Britain for Australia. He successfully landed eleven ships full of convicts on January 18, 1788, at Botany Bay. The group moved north eight days later and settled at Port Jackson. 1821, The first practical American printing press was patented in the U.S. by Samuel Rust. 1846, The U.S. declared that war existed with Mexico. 1861, Britain declared its neutrality in the American Civil War. 1864, The Battle of Resaca commenced as Union General Sherman fought towards Atlanta during the American Civil War. 1865, The last land engagement of the American Civil War was fought at the Battle of Palmito Ranch in far south Texas, more than a month after Gen. Lee's surrender at Appomattox, VA. 1880, Thomas Edison tested his experimental electric railway in Menlo Park. 1888, Slavery was abolished in Brazil. 1897, Guglielmo Marconi sent the world's first wireless communication over open sea. 1912, Royal Flying Corps was established in England. 1913, Igor Sikorsky flew the first four engine aircraft. 1917, Near Fatima, Portugal, three peasant children reported seeing a vision of the Virgin Mary. 1918, The first airmail postage stamps were issued with airplanes on them. The denominations were 6, 16, and 24 cents. 1927, "Black Friday" occurred in Germany. 1940, Winston Churchill made his first speech as the prime minister of Britain. 1949, The first gas turbine to pump natural gas was installed in Wilmar, AR. 1954, U.S. President Eisenhower signed into law the St. Lawrence Seaway Development Act. 1958, French troops took control of Algiers. 1958, U.S. Vice President Nixon's limousine was battered by rocks thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas, Venezuela. 1968, Peace talks between the U.S. and North Vietnam began in Paris. 1975, Hailstones the size of tennis balls hit Wenerville, TN. 1982, The Chicago Cubs became the first major league baseball team to win 8,000 games. 1985, Tony Perez became the oldest major league baseball player to hit a grand slam home run at the age of 42 and 11 months. 1985, A confrontation between Philadelphia authorities and the radical group MOVE ended as police dropped an explosive onto the group's headquarters. Eleven people died in the fire that resulted. 1998, India did a second round of nuclear tests. The first round had been done 2 days earlier. Within hours the U.S. and Japan imposed tough economic sanctions. India claimed that the tests were necessary to maintain India's national security. 1999, In Moscow, the impeachment of Russian President Boris Yeltsin began. 2003, The U.S. government unveiled a newly designed version of the $20 bill. It was the first to be colorized in an effort to annoy counterfeiters. 2023, Do smiled.
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