| Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, May 1 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, May 1 2011, U.S. President Barack Obama announced that U.S. soldiers (Navy Seal Team 2) had killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. ___________________________________ Bonehead Award: Georgia Store Clerk Shoots armed robber 8 Times _____________________________________________________ Q Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content. --- Louis L'Amour (1908 - 1988) If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough --- Mario Andretti (1940 - ) ______________________________________________________ Evolution of Mom Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Baby's Name 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a bit of every day hiding from the children. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" ____________________________________________________ A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead beast. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The pigmy answered, "Yes." The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us." ___________________________________________________ A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Gates of Heaven; others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into a burning pit of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him (or her) to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, there, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah", Satan said with a grin. "They are people from Seattle and Portland. They're still too wet to burn!" ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Shy One RE: No Question Dear Webby, What do you write, when there is no question? Shy One Dear Shy One No question, no answer. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris. "Because I married his widow." __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to Bobs pet peeve and he started "venting." "All polititians are jerks," he loudly proclaimed. Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him. "Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it." "Why is that-are you a polititia?" he asked. "No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!" __________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by Qwinntavus Kwame Jordan, Coffee County, Georgia, USA Georgia Store Clerk Shoots armed robber 8 Times A Georgia fugitive who allegedly robbed a Shell Gas Station in Flagler County on Friday was shot 8 times by a convenience store clerk after taking law enforcement on a high-speed chase. Qwinntavus Kwame Jordan was arrested and taken to a hospital for his injuries after being shot 8 times by a Georgia store clerk whose car Jordan attempted to steal while fleeing from law enforcement. On Friday morning at 3:30 a.m., Flagler County Deputies responded to the Shell gas station located at 6125 SR 100 East on a report of a robbery. The gas station employee told deputies a black man entered the store and demanded all the money. The man alluded to having a gun but never brandished it. He left the store with $90 and other "miscellaneous" items, a news release shows. The man's car was located on I-95 by the St. John's County Sheriff's Office who began pursuing the suspect along with Florida Highway Patrol, the Jacksonville Sheriffs Office, and the Nassau County Sheriffs Office on I-95 through the various counties until the man reached the Florida/Georgia line. The car came to a stop after police in Camden County, Georgia achieved a positive stop stick hit on the Jordan's car on I-95. Jordan fled on foot, entered a nearby convenience store, brandished a gun, and demanded the clerk's keys. Jordan took the clerk's keys, and attempted to drive away, but crashed the car through the store. He then left the vehicle and chased the clerk and a customer through the store and a struggle ensued. During the struggle, the clerk became armed and shot Jordan eight times, according to Georgia authorities. At the time of his arrest, Jordan was wanted for armed robbery out of Coffee County, Georgia. _____________________________________________________ Today, May 1 in 0408, Theodosius II succeeded to the throne of Constantinople. 1308, King Albert was murdered by his nephew John, because he refused his share of the Habsburg lands. 1486, Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to fund an expedition to the West Indies. 1707, England, Wales and Scotland were united to form Great Britain. 1751, Americas first cricket tournament was held in New York City. 1805, The state of Virginia passed a law requiring all freed slaves to leave the state, or risk either imprisonment or deportation. 1863, In Virginia, the Battle of Chancellorsville began. General Robert E. Lee's forces began fighting with Union troops under General Joseph Hooker. Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was mortally wounded by his own soldiers in this battle. (May 1-4) 1867, Reconstruction in the South began with black voter registration. 1877, U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes withdrew all Federal troops from the South, ending Reconstruction. 1883, William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had his first Wild West Show. 1884, The construction of the first American 10-story building began in Chicago, IL. 1889, Asa Candler published a full-page advertisement in The Atlanta Journal, proclaiming his wholesale and retail drug business as "sole proprietors of Coca-Cola ... Delicious. Refreshing. Exhilarating. Invigorating." Mr. Candler did not actually achieve sole ownership until 1891 at a cost of $2,300. 1898, The U.S. Navy under Dewey defeated the Spanish fleet at Manila Bay in the Philippines. 1905, In New York, radium was tested as a cure for cancer. 1915, A German submarine sank the U.S. ship Gulflight. 1927, Adolf Hitler held his first Nazi meeting in Berlin. 1931, The Empire State Building in New York was dedicated and opened. It was 102 stories tall and was the tallest building in the world at the time. 1934, The Philippine legislature accepted a U.S. proposal for independence. 1937, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed an act of neutrality, keeping the United States out of World War II. 1941, "Citizen Kane," directed and starring Orson Welles, premiered in New York. 1944, The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made its first flight. 1945, Martin Bormann, private secretary to Adolf Hitler, escaped from the Fuehrerbunker as the Red Army advanced on Berlin. 1945, Admiral Karl Doenitz succeeded Hitler as leader of the Third Reich. This was one day after Hitler committed suicide. 1948, The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was proclaimed. 1950, Gwendolyn Brooks became the first African American to win the Pulitzer Prize for her book of poetry called Annie Allen. 1952, Production of Mr. Potato Head began. 1958, James Van Allen reported that two radiation belts encircled Earth. 1960, Francis Gary Powers' U-2 spy plane was shot down over the Soviet Union. Powers was taken prisoner. 1961, Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections in Cuba. 1967, Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua. 1968, In the second day of battle, U.S. Marines, with the support of naval fire, continue their attack on a North Vietnamese Division at Dai Do. 1970, Students at Kent State University riot in downtown Kent, OH, in protest of the American invasion of Cambodia. 1971, The National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) went into service. It was established by the U.S. Congress to run the nation's intercity railroads. 1981, The Japanese government announced that it would limit passenger car exports to the United States over the next three years. 1986, The Tass News Agency reported the Chernobyl nuclear power plant explosion. 1986, Bill Elliott set a stock car speed record with his Ford Thunderbird in Talladega, AL. Elliott reached a speed of 212.229 mph. 1989, Disney-MGM Studios opened. 1992, On the third day of the Los Angeles riots resulting from the Rodney King beating trial. King appeared in public to appeal for calm, he asked, "Can we all get along?" 1998, Arrow Air was fined $5 million for using spare parts that lacked federal approval in the U.S. 1999, On Mount Everest, a group of U.S. mountain climbers discovered the body of George Mallory. Mallory had died in June of 1924 while trying to become the first person to reach the summit of Everest. At the time of the discovery it was unclear whether or not Mallory had actually reached the summit. 2000, ABC aired the first celebrity "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." 2000, The "Barbie for President" doll was released in stores. 2001, Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her remains were found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002. California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with Levy. 2011, U.S. President Barack Obama announced that U.S. soldiers had killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. 2023, Do smiled.
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