Good Morning, Do, Today is Thursday, May 3 I have a Doc appointment in the afternoon to renew my prescription list, so I stepped on my scale. Saw that I had lost 5 kg (10 lb) and I am down to a dapper 81 kg! I must be doing something right! Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Man dies after Jacksonville traffic stop when he tries to swallow bags Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 3 in 1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ At the present rate of progress, it is almost impossible to imagine any technical feat that cannot be achieved, if it can be achieved at all, within the next few hundred years. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 ) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order embalming, burial or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Swiss Village _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says Father." The second one chirps up, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your eminence'." The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, Well...?" She replies, "My son is a 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into in a room, all the women say, "Oh, my God....." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award has been earned by (Old mug shot) Rudolph Gipson, 44, Jacksonville, Florida Man dies after Jacksonville traffic stop when he tries to swallow bags A man is dead after he attempted to swallow something during a routine traffic stop, the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office said. Rudolph Gipson, 44, was pulled over at West 13th Street and Wilson around 10 p.m. Sunday night, JSO said. JSO suspected the man was impaired and conducted a sobriety test. During the test, they suspected Gipson had something in his mouth. JSO asked Gipson to spit out what was in his mouth, but he attempted to swallow it, JSO said, and began to throw up blood. The two bags contained white powder, JSO said. Rescue was called and Gipson was taken to a Jacksonville hospital, but the man died. JSO said Gipson had a long history of arrests for drugs and weapons. The officer who pulled him over is on administrative leave, which is department protocol. Tech Support Pits From: John Re: Humor Letter delivery times Dear Webby, There are three folks at this address using the same computer and of course the same internet service. The question is why do I receive your Humor letter first via Yahoo while one using gmail and the other using peoplepc receive your Humor letter later? Just curious. Thank You John Dear John New subscriptions are added to the end of the list. If their gmail address is a few thousand lines farther down, then naturally it will arrive later. Because of the pictures, it takes a few seconds for each letter. If there are time constraints, for example someone trying to get it before going to work, tell me what the address is, and I'll manually move it to the top. Have FUN DearWebby Thanks to Martin for this story: Priceless, even though it's a classic TAIL GATING: A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I had to assume you had stolen the car." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. More Light Bulbs How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? One-third less than for a regular bulb. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? Ooooonnnnnnnne. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a nether world of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? Change? How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny! How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turned itself in. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs! How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! How does a home schooler change a light bulb? First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little girl if she was excited about the new baby. "Oh, yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's a boy we're going to call it quits!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Labeling Leftovers When you bring leftover food home from a restaurant, write the date on the outside of the box (or bag) with a large pen. Write on the side of the box (or bag) so you can easily see the date when you look in the fridge. This works as a reminder that you need to eat the leftovers. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. ___________________________________________________ Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, May 3 in 1568 French forces in Florida slaughtered hundreds of Spanish. 1802 Washington, DC, was incorporated as a city. 1859 France declared war on Austria. 1888 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Phonograph Works. 1916 Irish nationalist Padraic Pearse and two others were executed by the British for their roles in the Easter Rising. 1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 1926 In Britain, trade unions began a general strike. 1927 Francis E.J. Wilde of Meadowmere Park, NY, patented the electric sign flasher. 1933 The U.S. Mint was under the direction of a woman for the first time when Nellie Ross took the position. 1937 Margaret Mitchell won a Pulitzer Prize for "Gone With The Wind." 1944 Wartime rationing of most grades of meats ended in the U.S. 1944 Dr. Robert Woodward and Dr. William Doering produced the first synthetic quinine at Harvard University. 1945 Indian forces captured Rangoon, Burma, from the Japanese. 1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks and other minorities were legally unenforceable. 1952 The first airplane landed at the geographic North Pole. 1968 After three days of battle, the U.S. Marines retook Dai Do complex in Vietnam. They found that the North Vietnamese had evacuated the area. 1971 Anti-war protesters began four days of demonstrations in Washington, DC. 1971 James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King's assassin, was caught in a jailbreak attempt. 1986 In NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned Delta rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after liftoff. Safety officers destroyed it by remote control. 1988 The White House acknowledged that first lady Nancy Reagan had used astrological advice to help schedule her husband's activities. 1992 Five days of rioting and looting ended in Los Angeles, CA. The riots, that killed 53 people, began after the acquittal of police officers in the beating of Rodney King. 1997 The "Republic of Texas" surrendered to authorities ending an armed standoff where two people were held hostage. The group asserts the independence of Texas from the U.S. 1998 "The Sevres Road," by 18-century landscape painter Camille Corot, stolen from the Louvre in France. 1999 Mark Manes, at age 22, was arrested for supplying a gun to Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold, who later killed 13 people at Columbine High School in Colorado. 2006 In Alexandria, VA, Al-Quaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was given a sentence of life in prison for his role in the terrorist attack on the U.S. on September 11, 2001. 2018 Do smiled. |
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