Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, November 30 A Darwin Award goes to Abdul Razak Ali Artan in Ohio for voluntarily taking himself out of the gene pool, when the coward attacked innocent students with a car and a butcher knife. Kudos to Officer Alan Harujko for stopping the terrorist. Kudos also to Switzerland for sending back Somalis who demand separate swimming pools for girls and for not only rejecting male Muslims, who refuse to shake hands with female teachers, but on top of that fine them $5,000. Have FUN! DearWebby Todays Bonehead Award: Floriduh shoplifter with long Walmart shopping list doesn't outrun K-9. Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, November 30 in 1700 8,000 Swedish troops under King Charles XII defeated an army of at least 50,000 Russians at the Battle of Narva. King Charles XII died on this day. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal." --- Hannah More Cops are what you see when you take your eyes off the speedometer. --- D.W. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The manager of a large city zoo is drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sits at his computer and types: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stares at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." He replaces the word so that the sentence reads: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stares at the screen, focusing on the new word. It seems just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deletes the whole sentence and starts over. "Everyone knows no well-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he types. "Please send us two of them." ______________________________________________________ During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid." ______________________________________________________ A new addition to the periodic table of chemical elements Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180+ Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KID (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralizes by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Millie for this picture: Beautiful Autumn Colors in Mehedinti Mountains, Romania ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Anthony Loren Edwards, 27, Hernando, Floriduh shoplifter with long Walmart shopping list doesn't outrun Hernando K-9 A man who police say attempted to push a shopping cart filled with $1,597 in stolen goods out of a Brooksville Walmart was nabbed by Hernando County Sheriff's Office deputy K-9 'Judge' on Sunday. Anthony Loren Edwards, 27, filled his shopping cart with 120 items ranging from jewelry and clothing to a coloring book and gel pens and tried to leave the Walmart located at 1485 Commercial Way around 7 a.m. when loss prevention employees attempted to stop him. Edwards refused to listen to loss prevention, ditched the cart and started running. At the same time, Hernando County Sheriff's Office deputies saw Edwards run from the scene with the Walmart employees giving chase. Deputies ordered him to stop, but Edwards did not comply. Edwards fled north into a wooded area and into the Hernando County Water Treatment Facility on Osowaw Boulevard. While inside the treatment facility, Edwards allegedly helped himself to food and drinks in the office. Deputies arrived at the facility and saw Edwards running away. He again refused to stop. Deputy Brandon Cox and K-9 Judge then went after the suspect. Judge brought down Edwards, who then reportedly assaulted the dog, adding to the growing list of charges. He also received 18 stitches to his right thigh and ankle for his efforts. Edwards faces multiple charges in this incident, including larceny, resisting an officer, assaulting a K-9 and commercial burglary for his jaunt through the treatment facility. He is being held on $13,000 bond at the Hernando County Jail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits >From Janine RE: New Window Dear Webby, I do remember the wicker carpet beater! It was very educational when I was a kid. Normally I want my browser to re-use already open windows, so that it doesn't gobble up more memory than my computer has. But occasionally I DO want a link to go to a brand new window without losing the one that is open. Is there a way to do that without changing all the settings in MSIE? Thanks Janine Dear Janine Yes, sure there is. Hold down SHIFT while you click on that link. Have FUN! DearWebby Benefit of old age: Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pizza Box Cash Gift By Donna [366 Posts, 374 Comments] This could be for a college student or anyone who is short on money. It makes a great raffle basket item when needed too! Always appreciated and never returned! ;-) You can change the bill denominations according to your desires. Total Time: 10 minutes Supplies: one empty pizza box (Dominoe's boxes are adorable for this and fit well although any large size pizza box will do.) cash- bills (about 18-20) and coins (silver dollars, half dollars and/or quarters) double sided tape one sheet of red paper Steps: I made circles on my red paper using a glass to trace the shape. Then simply place the bills into a circle using a small piece of tape to hold in place. Add the "red paper pepperoni" around the bills and place coins with double stick tape to hold them in place. Either write or type up the saying to add to the top of the box, print it out and tape it to the inside top of the pizza box. Add a bow and ribbon if you'd like to wrap it up and "deliver it". ____________________________________________________ "Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots." ____________________________________________________ | | How in the world could such art come from a lowly pencil? |
>From my archives: A letter from Mutha Goose to help me out while I was on the road. RE: Software install You can do one of two things, follow the 12-Step Program or write Dear Webby! *lol* 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away. 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers. 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer." 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot. 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: +---+ +-----+ | YES | | SURE | +---+ +-----+ 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha." 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^& 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture. 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12. And so that's the easy way to install software... Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today on November 30 1700 8,000 Swedish troops under King Charles XII defeated an army of at least 50,000 Russians at the Battle of Narva. King Charles XII died on this day. 1782 The United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War. 1803 Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France. 1804 U.S. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase went on trial accused of political bias. He was later acquitted by the U.S. Senate. 1838 Three days after the French occupation of Vera Cruz Mexico declared war on France. 1853 During the Crimean War, the Russian fleet attacked and destroyed the Turkish fleet at the battle of Sinope. 1858 John Landis Mason received a patent for the first pepper shaker with a screw-on cap. 1875 A.J. Ehrichson patented the oat-crushing machine. 1897 Thomas Edison's own motion picture projector had its first commercial exhibition. 1936 London's famed Crystal Palace was destroyed in a fire. The structure had been constructed for the International Exhibition of 1851. 1939 The Russo-Finnish War began when 20 divisions of Soviet troops invaded Finland. 1949 Chinese Communists captured Chungking. 1954 In Sylacauga, AL, Elizabeth Hodges was injured when a meteorite crashed through the roof of her house. The rock weighed 8-pounds. 1956 CBS replayed the program "Douglas Edward and the News" three hours after it was received on the West Coast. It was the world's first broadcast via videotape. 1962 U Thant of Burma was elected secretary-general of the United Nations, succeeding the late Dag Hammarskjold. 1966 The former British colony of Barbados became independent. 1986 "Time" magazine published an interview with U.S. President Reagan. In the article, Reagan described fired national security staffer Oliver North as a "national hero." 1988 Kohlberg Kravis Roberts and Co. took over RJR Nabisco Inc. with a bid of $24.53 billion. 1993 U.S. President Clinton signed into law the Brady Bill. The bill required a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases and background checks of prospective buyers. 1998 The Deutsche Bank AG announced that it would acquire Bankers Trust Corp. for $10.1 billion creating the world's largest financial institution. 2001 For the first time in it's history, McDonald's teamed up with a retail partner on its Happy Meal promotions. Toys R Us provided plush figures from it's Animal Alley. 2004 In Stockholm, Sweden, the Carl Larsson painting "Boenskoerd" ("Bean Harvest") was sold at auction for $730,000. The work had been in a private collection for more than a century. The Larsson work "Vid Kattegatt" ("By Kattegatt") sold for $640,000 at the same auction. 2016 Do smiled. |
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