Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, May 22 OK, so now I am officially an ornery old goat. I got about 300 birthday wishes by email and FB messages, and even got some pictures of cupcakes. Not a penny from PayPal. Rather dismal 70th birthday. Is that a hint that maybe it is time to retire? _____________________________________________________ Today, May 22 in 1972 The island Ceylon adopted a new constitution and became the republic of Sri Lanka. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ 
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 Today's Bonehead Award: Drunk Man Rode A Lawn Mower Into Cop Car  ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. --- Cullen Hightower Adventure is just bad planning. --- Roald Amundsen (1872 - 1928) Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." --- Douglas Adams If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of them again. --- Socratex _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid." ______________________________________________________`   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ___________________________________________________   An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Gary Wayne Anderson, 68, Haines City, Floriduh  Drunk Man Rode A Lawn Mower Into Cop Car  
 Police arrested Gary Wayne Anderson, 68, for a DUI charge after he crashed his lawn mower into a Haines City police vehicle. Anderson's driver's license has been suspended since 1978. He has two prior DUI convictions. Anderson failed the field sobriety test and was taken to the Haines City Police Department. At the department, Anderson told officers he had been poisoned by police and demanded to be taken to a hospital, the HCPD said. At Heart of Florida Regional Medical Center, his blood-alcohol level was .241 more than three times the legal limit of 0.08%, according to Mike Ferguson, a spokesman for the HCPD. Cocaine was also found in Anderson's system, police reported. The crash caused minor damage to the rear bumper of the police car. According to Chief Elensky of the Haines City, Police Department, It's never a good idea to get behind the wheel drunk, even if that wheel is to a Craftsman, Massey Ferguson or John Deere.   From: Jim Re: myMemorizer  Dear Webby I enjoy starting every day with your email and thank Martin (RIP) for recommending it. Check out mymemorizer.com and consider recommending it. Like so many people, I was forgetting appointments etc and putting them on the computer didn't help as I'd forget to look daily. Jim  Dear Jim I have recommended myMemorizer a few times. MyMemorizer is like gmail - server based, and it's neatest feature is that it will send you up to 4 emails reminding you of appointments, birthdays, anniversaries etc. The emails can be sent on the day of the event, one day before, two days before, one week before or whatever you select AND, the event can repeat annually so you can put in birthdays and anniversaries once and forget them. It will remember them for you. You can even get it to send reminders via SMS text, at times you specify, like the emails. Since it is server based, you also can access it from any computer with internet access using your id and pw. It is free at https://mymemorizer.com/ Have FUN! DearWebby  
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 A group of Montana high schooler students played a prank: they let three goats loose in the school building. But before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4. The best part of the prank was when, after they had rounded up the three goats, the school administrators spent the rest of the day looking for goat #3. ------------------- We did that with 3 cows in the 60s after we had learned that cows can walk UP stairs, but not down. They had to be carried down. 
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 After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine." ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Back To School Routine Start getting your back to school routine started. Have your kids wake up and go sleep at the same time they will the week before school starts. Also serve dinner at the same time you will when school starts. It will make the transition much easier for them and for you. thriftyfun.Com   ____________________________________________________   
  
I've never had "scuppernong wine" but I've had lots of wild muscadine jelly. 
 ___________________________________________________ Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. One preacher claimed, "Kneeling is definitely best." "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole in a thunderstorm." ___________________________________________________ The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower." ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 Laws of the Universe 1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time). 7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. ___________________________________________________  
 Today May 22 in 1246 Henry Raspe was elected anti-king by the Rhenish prelates in France. 1455 King Henry VI was taken prisoner by the Yorkists at the Battle of St. Albans, during the War of the Roses. 1570 Abraham Ortelius published the first modern atlas in Belgium. 1761 In Philadelphia, the first life insurance policy was issued in the U.S. 1819 The steamship Savannah became the first to cross the Atlantic Ocean. 1841 Henry Kennedy received a patent for the first reclining chair. 1849 Abraham Lincoln received a patent for the floating dry dock. 1868 Near Marshfield, IN, The "Great Train Robbery" took place. The robbery was worth $96,000 in cash, gold and bonds to the seven members of the Reno gang. 1872 The Amnesty Act restored civil rights to Southerners. 1882 The U.S. formally recognized Korea. 1891 The first public motion picture was given in Thomas Edison's lab. 1892 Dr. Washington Sheffield invented the toothpaste tube. 1900 The Associated Press was incorporated as a non-profit news cooperative in New York. 1900 A. DeVilbiss, Jr. patented his pendulum-type computing scale. 1900 Edwin S. Votey received a patent for the pianola (a pneumatic piano player). It could be attached to any piano. 1906 The Wright brothers received a patent their flying machine. 1939 Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed a military alliance between Germany and Italy known as the "Pact of Steel." 1947 The Truman Doctrine was enacted by the U.S. Congress to appropriate military and economic aid for Turkey and Greece. 1955 A scheduled dance to be headlined by Fats Domino was canceled by police in Bridgeport, Connecticut because "rock and roll dances might be featured." 1969 A lunar module of Apollo 10 flew within nine miles of the moon's surface. The event was a rehearsal for the first lunar landing. 1972 U.S. President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit Russia. He met with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. 1972 The island Ceylon adopted a new constitution and became the republic of Sri Lanka. 1986 Sylvester Stallone agreed to a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists. He signed for a reported $15 million for each film. 1990 In the Middle East, North and South Yemen merged to become a single state known as the Republic of Yemen. 1990 Microsoft released Windows 3.0. 1997 Kelly Flinn, the U.S. Air Force's first female bomber pilot certified for combat, accepted a general discharge. She thereby avoided court-martial on charges of adultery, lying and disobeying an order. 1998 New information came to light about the June 1996 bombing that killed 19 American airmen. The information indicated that Saudi citizens had been responsible and not Iranians as once believed. 1998 Voters in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland turned out to cast ballots giving approval to a Northern Ireland peace accord. 2002 Chandra Levy's remains were found in Washington, DC's Rock Creek Park. She was last seen on April 30, 2001. California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with Levy. 2002 In Birmingham, AL, a jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed four girls. 2003 At the Colonial in Fort Worth, TX, Annika Sorenstam became the first woman to play on the PGA tour in 58 years. She ended the day at 1-over par. 2012 In Japan, the Tokyo Skytree tower opened. 2019 Do smiled. 
 

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