Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, September 26 Tomorrow, after I send out the Wednesday issue, I have to go for injections into my eyeballs again. That means nothing will be sent out Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Sunday I will be back. Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Florida man arrested after killing tenant during eviction dispute Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Sept 26 in 1950 U.N. troops recaptured the South Korean capital of Seoul from the North Koreans during the Korean Conflict. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. --- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. --- Dorothy Parker ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." _____________________________________________________ An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he'd been suckered all these years. Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?" "Well," said the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years." "I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take-off?" "Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!" "But once you're aloft?" "Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself." "But I still don't see how you land!" "Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!', then I pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover". "It's the biggest dam I know." ______________________________________________________ Off to supper! _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ryan Wilder, 32, Duck Key, Florida Florida man arrested after killing tenant during eviction dispute Ryan Wilder was in a Florida Keys jail Saturday, accused of killing his parents' tenant in Duck Key. Monroe County Sheriff's Office deputies said Wilder, 32, was evicting Kenneth Palicki and Colleen Lyons from his parents' property at 162 North Indies Drive when the shooting happened Friday evening. Wilder was removing their things when Palicki, 47, got home and told Lyons, 25, to call the police. During the 911 call, Lyons said Wilder shot Palicki several times. "Lyons then saw Wilder walk out to his truck, gun still in his hand, and get in," sheriff's spokeswoman Becky Herrin said. "She gave dispatchers a description of the truck and its direction of travel as Wilder drove away." Sgt. Joel Slough stopped Wilder and arrested him. Palicki was taken to Fisherman's Hospital in Marathon, where doctors pronounced him dead. He had four gunshot wounds to his left forearm, mid-back and upper thigh. Palicki and Lyons had received an eviction notice requiring them to leave the house by Aug. 23. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Helen Re: Multiple Spam Controls Dear Webby, First, kudos to your forever refreshing Humor Letter. Your willingness to help with technical advice is more valuable than you can imagine to folks who need help and don't know where where to turn. I see many people raving about Mail Washer. I have Norton installed on my computer, which already has a spam filter. Can I use them both without any problem? Thanks, Webby! You're the best! Helen Dear Helen It's best to use just one spam control program at a time. As long as Norton takes care of the spam well enough, use that. When it gets too hard to tune it or is overwhelmed and can't quite cope with all the spam any more, then turn it's spam control off and get MailWasher. If you have two of them running, then you never know which one has done what. Have FUN! DearWebby From Bill: After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me, and the last one you circled, that`s mom." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Painted Halloween Jars These are scarecrow and pumpkin decorated electric tealight holders. They could also be made as decorative treat jars Materials recycled jar and lid spray paint (see instructions for colors) raffia, flowers, and other decorative elements, as desired clear sealer (optional) electric tea light Instructions Wash and dry a jar of any size. Remove labels. Spray paint jar and lid (flesh, beige for Scarecrow, terracotta or orange for pumpkin). Allow to dry. Glue lid (inside facing upward) to top of jar (I used E- 6000). If you desire to use these as treat jars, do not glue lid to top of jar. Decorate face as desired using paint pens or craft paint. Spray lightly with a clear sealer to keep paint from scratching. For scarecrow, glue raffia around brim of hat, trim for bangs. To make hat, decorate a straw hat with artificial flowers, buttons and ribbon to your liking. I painted a wooden triangle to resemble a crow! Attach hat to lid (I again used E-6000). Place electric tealight on lid. Because of the raffia and straw hat this is extremely FLAMMABLE, I recommend using an electric tea light instead of a regular candle. Made in a variety of shapes and sizes, these look adorable on a mantle or porch. And can be used year after year! By Diana, Louisville, KY Editor's Note: This project should never be used with a traditional candle flame, it is very flammable. Only battery operated tealights or other non-flame candle substites should be used. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Things you don't want to hear at a Tattoo Parlor ~ "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." ~ "We're all out of red, so I used pink." ~ "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?" ~ "Sorry, Ma'am, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy." ~ "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Bob." ~ "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." ~ "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here." ~ "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before." ~ "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect." ~ "Oops ... " __________________________________________________ | | Funny Seattle gas station sign. |
___________________________________________________ A young woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, she begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, she attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
from Martin, the world's easiest Quiz: 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after which animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? All done? Check your answers below! ____________________________________________________ Dear Webby, I really do appreciate that you select your humor so carefully. It is never mean or derogatory, and you never have Blonde or lawyer jokes. I am a blonde lawyer and sick and tired of being the butt of most jokes everywhere else. Yours are refreshingly upbeat and clean. Thanks! Irene ____________________________________________________ ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ: 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? Answer: 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Answer: Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Answer: Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? Answer: In November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Answer: Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Answer: Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Answer: Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Answer: Crimson 9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from? Answer: New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Answer: bright orange, of course. | Today, Sept 26, in 1777 Philadelphia was occupied by British troops during the American Revolutionary War. 1908 Ed Eulbach of the Chicago Cubs became the first baseball player to pitch both games of a doubleheader and win both with shutouts. 1908 In "The Saturday Evening Post" an ad for the Edison Phonograph appeared. 1918 During World War I, the Meuse-Argonne offensive against the Germans began. It was the final Allied offensive on the western front. 1950 U.N. troops recaptured the South Korean capital of Seoul from the North Koreans during the Korean Conflict. 1955 The New York Stock Exchange suffered its worst decline since 1929 when the word was released concerning U.S. President Eisenhower's heart attack. 1960 The first televised debate between presidential candidates Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took place in Chicago, IL. 1962 "The Beverly Hillbillies" premiered on CBS-TV. 1964 "Gilligan's Island" premiered on CBS-TV. The show aired for the last time on September 4, 1967. 1969 "The Brady Bunch" series premiered on ABC-TV. 1980 The Cuban government abruptly closed Mariel Harbor to end the freedom flotilla of Cuban refugees that began the previous April. 1981 The Boeing 767 made its maiden flight in Everett, WA. 1984 Britain and China initialed a draft agreement on the future of Hong Kong when the Chinese take over ruling the British Colony. 1985 Shamu was born at Sea World in Orlando, FL. Shamu was the first killer whale to survive being born in captivity. 1990 The Motion Picture Association of America announced that it had created a new rating. The new NC17 rating was to keep moviegoers under the age of 17 from seeing certain films. 1991 Four men and four women began their two-year stay inside the "Biosphere II." The project was intended to develop technology for future space colonies and was abandoned in 1993 when they got caught ordering pizza. 1993 The eight people who had stayed in "Biosphere II" emerged from their sealed off environment. 1995 The warring factions of Bosnia agreed on guidelines for elections and a future government. 1996 Shannon Lucid returned to Earth after being in space for 188 days. she set a time record for a U.S. astronaut in space and in the world for time spent by a woman in space. 2000 The U.S. House of Representatives passed the Born-Alive Infants Protection Act. The act states that an infant would be considered to have been born alive if he or she is completely extracted or expelled from the mother and breathes and has a beating heart and definite movement of the voluntary muscles. 2000 Slobodan Milosevic conceded that Vojislav Kostunica had won Yugoslavia's presidential election and declared a runoff. The declared runoff prompted mass protests. 2001 In Kabul, Afghanistan, the abandoned U.S. Embassy was stormed by protesters. It was the largest anti-Amercian protest since the terror attacks on New York City and Washington, DC, on September 11. 2001 Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres announced plans to formalize a cease- fire and end a year of fighting in the region. 2006 Facebook was openened to everyone at least 13 years or older with a valid email address. 2017 Do smiled. |
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