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| Good Morning, Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, August 16 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 16, in 1858. A telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to U.S. President Buchanan was transmitted over the recently laid trans-Atlantic cable. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Low-speed pursuit: Wanted man flees in excavator _________________________________________________ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) Food is an important part of a balanced diet. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. --- Horace Walpole __________________________________________________ The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation with a vehement sermon that alcohol was the work of the devil. "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?" A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water." The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?" The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass." __________________________________________________ A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer investigate immediately. On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order." Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running." ___________________________________________________ Dave L. Clark Green Heron, a rare find for us in the Calgary area, Aug 2022. __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jes B seShaw, 39, Banks, Oregon, USA Low-speed pursuit: Wanted man flees in excavator A man wanted throughout Oregon drove a track excavator about a half-mile in an effort to get away from Washington County deputies and the Oregon State Police. Jesse B. Shaw was arrested Sunday in Banks after he was spotted at a property north of the town, the Washington County Sheriffs Office said. Shaw was told to stop and ignored the commands, then drove the excavator as authorities literally walked behind him. Along with attempting to elude, Shaw faces a stolen car charge plus 3 separate warrants a meth charge in Clackamas County, another eluding charge in Columbia County and an Oregon State parole board violation. Even though Oregon is usually on the side of the criminals, they might keep this one a month or two. _____________________________________________________ Badulla, Sri Lanka Badulla, Sri Lanka __________________________________________________ Top 10 Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors. 8. Why Bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time. 5. The difference between beige, off-white, bone, and ecru. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 1. Other women ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: From: Irene RE: Multiple browsers Dear Webby, Can I use more tan one browser at a time? I don't want a new link to obliterate one I am reading. Thanks Irene Dear Irene You can open a fresh window of the active broser by holding down SHIFT while you click on a link. However, if you want to compare different browsers, for example Chrome and FireFox, just open the other one. It will whine about not being the default. Ignore that and just paste the URL into the URL bar on top. Usually they perform about the same. Dear HaveFUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: YOUR car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. That is why they have multiple choice questions now, except for illegl immigrants. They don't need an exam. _____________________________________________________ The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." ___________________________________________________ A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?" "Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing." "What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked. "Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead." ___________________________________________________ Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. Today, August 16, in 1777. During the American Revolutionary War, the Battle of Bennington took place. New England's minutemen routed the British regulars. 1812. Detroit fell to Indian and British troops in the War of 1812. 1829. The "Siamese twins," Chang and Eng Bunker, arrived in Boston, MA. They had come to the Western world to be exhibited. They were 18 years old and joined at the waist. 1842. In New York City, the U.S. government took over operations of the City Despatch Post. This was the first congressionally authorized local postage delivery. 1858. A telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to U.S. President Buchanan was transmitted over the recently laid trans-Atlantic cable. 1861. U.S. President Lincoln prohibited the Union states from trading with the states of the Confederacy. 1923. Carnegie Steel Corporation put into place the eight-hour workday for its employees. 1930. The first British Empire Games were held at Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. The event is now called the British Commonwealth Games. 1937. Harvard University became the first school to have graduate courses in traffic engineering and administration. 1954. Sports Illustrated was published for the first time. It was claimed that 250,000 subscriptions had been sold before the first issue came off of the presses. 1960. Cyprus was granted independence by Britain. 1960. The free-fall world record was set by Joseph Kittinger. He fell more than 16 miles (about 84,000 feet) before opening his parachute over New Mexico. 1978. Xerox was fined for excluding Smith-Corona Mfg. from the copier market. The fine was $25.6 million. 1995. Voters in Bermuda rejected independence from Great Britain. 1999. In Russia, Vladimir V. Putin was confirmed as prime minister by the lower house of parliament. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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