Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, July 10 _____________________________________________________ Today, July 10 1962 The Telstar Communications satellite was launched. The satellite relayed TV and telephone signals between Europe and the U.S. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Florida man admits to throwing lit firecrackers under sleeping girl's bed ! ! ! ! _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ "Russia is going to start taking care of nuclear waste from other countries. Their goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe." --- Conan O'Brien _____________________________________________________ The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson and pointed to the building. "That's where I went to school when I was your age." "Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender back then?" ______________________________________________________` _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Matthew Morrison, 44, Crestview, Florida Florida man admits to throwing lit firecrackers under sleeping girl's bed A Florida man has been arrested after police say he admitted to throwing lit firecrackers under a sleeping child's bed over the weekend. On Saturday, police responded to a call about a homeless man allegedly entering a residence in Crestview without permission, Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office wrote in a statement shared on Facebook. The homeowner told police that the man, named Matthew Morrison, allegedly threw a string of lit firecrackers where a 9-year-old girl was sound asleep, according to the statement. The homeowner explained he then ran Morrison, 44, out of the home with a stick. However, it was too late as fireworks went off in the girl's room, causing her to wake up, Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office said in the statement. The explosion caused the child to be frightened, cry, and shake. Morrison allegedly admitted to the incident, telling police it was a prank gone wrong, according to the statement. Morrison has since been charged with burglary, child cruelty without great harm and possession of a controlled substance. The Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office said that when Morrison was detained, police allegedly found approximately two grams of methamphetamine in his pants pocket. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Olga Re: Motion activated light switch Dear Webby About twenty years ago you recommended motion activated light switches and hailed the one you got in the coffee nachine corner, so that you don't have to walk down to the far end of the kitchen to turn on the big lights, and again after you refill your cup. At the time I remember I laughed and thought "Poor baby! A bit of walking is good for you!". Well, I finally got my own place, and I went to Home Depot and got one of those motion activated light switches. It works great when I am coming out of the washroom or out of the bedroom, but when I am coming in the front door, it ignores me. If I stand there and windmill my arms, then it works as it should. What is the fix? Thanks Olga Dear Olga They have a fresnel lens in the front. It divides up the infrared light into pie shaped sectors. When you cross from one piece of pie to the next one, then it turns on the radar to double-check and avoid fals alarms from the sun moving behind clouds. When you come out of the bedroom or windmill your arms, sectors are crossed. You can probably even turn on the lights by standing at the far door and jiggling your hypnotizers. Simply move the motion detector into a corner so that even when you come straight in from the front, you are crossing sectors. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. During my Army Reserve unit's annual training at Fort Ord, Calif., our battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mess sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site. The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed. "Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?" "It was delicious, sir," replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
>From Elder In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Stuck Together Postage Stamps Thanks to Noella for this report: Suppose a new student enrolls at your school. Her name is Le - a. How would you pronounce the child's name??? Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE! Lay - a?? NO! Lei?? Guess Again. It's pronounced 'Ledasha,' oh yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent. This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. The mother, Latreena McQueesha, explained that "in Ebonics, 'Le - a' make more since, as when honkies calls there daughter Granola". thriftyfun.Com ____________________________________________________ | | Mesmerizing Physics Demonstration |
___________________________________________________ The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?" "Well, rattler bit me one time." "Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck no. Dang varmint bit me on purpose." ___________________________________________________ Modern Poetry: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, But this one doesn't. __________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish: 1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat). 6. Always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too. 11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should never generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement. 34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. ___________________________________________________ | Today, July 10 in 1609 - The Catholic states in Germany set up a league under the leadership of Maximillian of Bavaria. 1679 The British crown claimed New Hampshire as a royal colony. 1776 The statue of King George III was pulled down in New York City. 1778 In support of the American Revolution, Louis XVI declared war on England. 1821 U.S. troops took possession of Florida. The territory was sold to the US by Spain. 1866 Edison P. Clark patented his indelible pencil. Those are the waterproof purple "postman's pencils", still in use for marking high spots on dentures. 1900 'His Master's Voice', was registered with the U.S. Patent Office. The logo of the Victor Recording Company, and later, RCA Victor, shows the dog, Nipper, looking into the horn of a gramophone machine. 1910 W.R. Brookins became the first to fly an airplane at an altitude of one mile. 1913 The highest temperature ever recorded in the U.S. was 134 degrees in Death Valley, CA. 1919 The Treaty of Versailles was hand delivered to the U.S. Senate by President Wilson. 1925 The official news agency of the Soviet Union, TASS, was established. 1928 George Eastman first demonstrated color motion pictures. 1929 The U.S. government began issuing paper money in the small size. 1938 Howard Hughes completed a 91 hour flight around the world. 1940 The 114-day Battle of Britain began during World War II. 1947 Saab introduced the Model 92 prototype as its first automobile. 1949 The first practical rectangular television was presented. The picture tube measured 12 by 16 and sold for $12. 1951 Armistice talks aimed at ending the Korean conflict began at Kaesong. 1951 Sugar Ray Robinson was defeated for only the second time in 133 fights as Randy Turpin took the middleweight crown. 1953 American forces withdraw from Pork Chop Hill in Korea after heavy fighting. 1962 The Telstar Communications satellite was launched. The satellite relayed TV and telephone signals between Europe and the U.S. 1962 Fred Baldasare swam the English Channel underwater. It was 42 miles and took 18 hours. 1973 Britain granted the Bahamas their independence after three centuries of British colonial rule. 1985 Coca-Cola resumed selling the old formula of Coke, it was renamed "Coca-Cola Classic." It was also announced that they would continue to sell "New" Coke. 1990 Mikhail Gorbachev won re-election as the leader of the Soviet Communist Party. 1991 Boris Yeltsin took the oath of office as the first elected president of the Russian republic. 1991 U.S. President Bush lifted economic sanctions against South Africa, citing its "profound transformation" toward racial equality. 1997 Scientists in London said DNA from a Neanderthal skeleton supported a theory that all humanity descended from an "African Eve" 100,000 to 200,000 years ago. 1998 The World Bank approved a $700 million loan to Thailand. 1998 The U.S. military delivered the remains of Air Force 1st Lt. Michael Blassie to his family in St. Louis. He had been placed in Arlington Cemetery's Tomb of the Unknown in 1984. His identity had been confirmed with DNA tests. 1999 The heads of six African nations that had troops in the Democratic Republic of the Congo signed a cease-fire agreement that would end the civil war in that nation. 2002 Peter Paul Rubens' painting "The Massacre of the Innocents" sold for $76.2 million at Sotheby's. 2019 Do smiled. |
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