Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, February 19 Nice Northern Lights out! Have a look tonight! Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Church Vicar caught on camera 'watching porn, sniffing cocaine, and using a crack pipe' Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, February 19 in 1942 Approximately 150 Japanese warplanes attacked the Australian city of Darwin. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. --- Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895) Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. --- Leo Tolstoy The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. --- Victor Borge ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: An Irish Priest Transferred Recently to Texas Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." ______________________________________________________ This little guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders his drink. After a while, this big guy comes along and "WHAP" little guy's on the floor. The big guy says "That was a karate chop from Japan" So, the little guy gets up and sits down again. Soon, the big guy's back again, and "WHOOSH" little guy's on the floor again. The big guy says "that was a sumo chop from China" Little guy gets up and leaves. The big guy sits down where the little guy was. Thirty minutes later, the little guy comes back, and "BANG" big guy's on the floor, passed out. The little guy tells the bartender "When he wakes up, tell him that was a pipe wrench, from Sears." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Vicar Stennett Kirby, 64, East London, England Church Vicar caught on camera 'watching porn, sniffing cocaine, and using a crack pipe' A Church of England vicar has allegedly been caught on camera appearing to smoke crack, snort cocaine and watch porn. The Reverend Stennett Kirby, 64, was filmed in the 1.5 million ($ 2,103,261.82 USD) vicarage of West Ham Parish Church in East London, which he lives in. He has been the vicar of the church since 2007, and is considered a respected member of the community, but is currently on sick leave for unknown reasons. In the shocking footage obtained by the Sun on Sunday, he appears to be smoking from a crack pipe before he struggles to snort a line of white powder as he relaxes with a friend. At one point, he seems to be watching pornography and says: 'All I want now is for a woman to be sucking my dick that would be nice. 'How much would a woman cost to come here? In other words if I really want it then I will pay for it.' His friend reportedly then says he prefers prostitutes to relationships, which unmarried Mr Kirby, who is currently on sick leave from work, agrees to. The footage then seems to show him talking about his plans to go into Central London and buy more drugs. He says: 'I'm going to Soho with my mate for dinner. 'I'm going to sex shops to get some poppers.' _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Elsa Re: Making a PDF file Dear Webby, Like most of your fans, I barely remember the topics that you have talked about, but not the gory details. OK, how do I make a PDF file? I dont have the ridiculously expensive Microsoft office or 365, just Office Libre. I tried SAVE AS, but PDF is not an option. Thanks Elsa Dear Elsa PDF is not a 2-way street. Once you export it as a PDF, you would need a different program, like Nitro, to convert it back to editable text. To make a PDF, go into Libre Office WRITE, hit FILE scroll down to EXPORT AS PDF. That EXPORTS to a new and separate file. You can use a different file name and destination, for example on a thumb drive or camera chip. The original text file will not be renamed or changed in any way. The program basically "takes a picture" of it and exports that picture. Because it is quite a nuisance to edit a PDF, if you have to make changes, just edit the original text file and export it again. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Bob decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was "like brand-new" and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays. He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day. The following day he decided to change his sales pitch, and sure enough he sold three cars. The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales. Bob grinned, "Well they didn't believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by a nymphomaniac who only used the backseat." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Become Your Own Butcher Save money on chicken by buying them whole and cutting them yourselves. It's easy to learn how to quarter your own chicken. All the leftover bones make great soup stock. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable." Dear Webby, I would like to tell everyone to get the gmail it is great! This is where I recieve my Humor Letter every day without fail. I enjoy the Humor Letter very much, keep up the good work. Cee ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, February 19, in 1846 The formal transfer of government between Texas and the United States took place. Texas had officially become a state on December 29, 1845. 1856 The tintype camera was patented by Professor Hamilton L. Smith. 1864 The Knights of Pythias was founded in Washington, DC. A dozen members formed what became Lodge No. 1. 1878 Thomas Alva Edison patented a music player (the phonograph). 1881 Kansas became the first state to prohibit all alcoholic beverages. 1922 Ed Wynn became the first big-name, vaudeville talent to sign on as a radio talent. 1942 U.S. President Roosevelt signed an executive order giving the military the authority to relocate and intern Japanese-Americans. 1942 The New York Yankees announced that they would admit 5,000 uniformed servicemen free to each of their home ball games during the coming season. 1942 Approximately 150 Japanese warplanes attacked the Australian city of Darwin. 1945 During World War II, about 30,000 U.S. Marines landed on Iwo Jima. 1949 Bollingen Foundation and Yale University awarded the first Bollingen Prize in poetry ($5,000) to Ezra Pound. 1953 The State of Georgia approved the first literature censorship board in the U.S. Newspapers were excluded from the new legislation. 1959 Cyprus was granted its independence with the signing of an agreement with Britain, Turkey and Greece. Then the shooting started. 1963 The Soviet Union informed U.S. President Kennedy it would withdraw "several thousand" of its troops from Cuba. 1981 The U.S. State Department called El Savador a "textbook case" of a Communist plot. 1981 Ford Motor Company announced its loss of $1.5 billion. 1985 Mickey Mouse was welcomed to China as part of the 30th anniversary of Disneyland. The touring mouse played 30 cities in 30 days. 1985 William Schroeder became the first artificial-heart patient to leave the confines of the hospital. 1985 Cherry Coke was introduced by the Coca-Cola Company. 1986 The U.S. Senate approved a treaty outlawing genocide. The pact had been submitted 37 years earlier for ratification. 1986 The Soviet Union launched the Mir space station. 1987 A controversial, anti-smoking publice service announcement aired for the first time on television. Yul Brynner filmed the ad shortly before dying of lung cancer. Brynner made it clear in the ad that he would have died from cigarette smoking before the ad aired. 1997 Deng Xiaoping of China died at the age of 92. He was the last of China's major revolutionaries. 2001 The museum at the Oklahoma City National Memorial Center was dedicated. 2002 NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft began using its thermal emission imaging system to map Mars. 2004 Former Enron Corp. chief executive Jeffrey Skilling was charged with fraud, insider trading and other crimes in connection with the energy trader's collapse. Skilling was later convicted and sentenced to more than 24 years in prison. 2005 The USS Jimmy Carter was commissioned at Groton, CT. It was the last of the Seawolf class of attack submarines. 2008 Fidel Castro resigned the Cuban presidency. His brother Raul was later named as his successor. 2018 Do smiled. |
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