Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, August 18 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________  Phoenix woman beaten, nearly burned alive during man's crime spree  ___________________________________________________ Today, August 18 in 1227 The Mongol conqueror Ghengis Khan died. ____________________________________________________ The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past. --- William Faulkner (1897 - 1962) It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. --- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) Democracy is 35 kids outvoting the teacher and deciding that playing in mud puddles is more important than learning to read and write. --- DearWebby (1949 - ....) ____________________________________________________ Bo was telling the little ones of how it was when he was a young boy in Brooklyn, in Manhattan's immigrant ghetto. "When I was a kid," he said, "we didn't even have a radio. So our dad bored a hole through the wall into the living room of the Irish couple in the next apartment, to hear all the great boxing fights. That's when we discovered that they didn't have a radio either, and the fights we heard through the wall were live." ____________________________________________________   Jeanne Lima ____________________________________________________ Lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Gabriel Gutierrez, Phoenix, Arizona, USA  Phoenix woman beaten, nearly burned alive during man's crime spree A Phoenix woman is speaking out after she says she was terrorized by a man who allegedly committed a violent crime spree that left one man dead and a landscaper brutally beaten. Gabriel Gutierrez is accused of committing this string of serious crimes back in February - and it ended with the attempted murder of a woman who lost everything. Kelli Melton is thankful to be alive after almost burning alive in her home. "Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew I was going to die, absolutely," said Melton. Melton remembers a little more than five minutes on Feb. 8, when she thought death was certain. She says she met Gabriel Gutierrez over the weekend at the Vee Quiva Casino. They exchanged numbers and he later called, asking if he could charge his phone at Melton's home where he could wait for a ride. Melton agreed to his request, but she never thought Gutierrez was a murder suspect. Just a day before they met, police had broadcasted an image of the car he reportedly used in a road rage shooting. "The only information that authorities had in that time was an image of the suspect's vehicle taken on surveillance footage," Melton said. She said Gutierrez became paranoid and accused her of trying to get him arrested. According to court documents, he hit her at least 30 to 40 times with his fists and a butane torch. Police say he tied Melton up and used electrical cords to bind her hands and feet. "Basically hogtied me and went and lit various parts of the room that I was in - as well as the master bedroom and the closet - on fire," she said. Melton said she maneuvered herself to the kitchen and was able to free herself from her bindings, running out of the burning home. The house was destroyed, and her dog died of smoke inhalation. Phoenix police arrested Gutierrez the next day. Melton did not have insurance for her home, and she has been struggling to find stability ever since. She feels for all of the victims and loved ones affected by this violent crime spree that she hopes she can one day forget. "It was just a very, very psychologically, emotionally, physically, economically traumatizing experience all the way around, and for someone who knew nothing about me, who I didn't know for longer than 36 hours to have that kind of an impact on my life, it baffles me and it makes me angry," Melton said. Gutierrez is being held on a $3.1 million bond and faces dozens of charges.  ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  From: Izzy Re: Make fonts bigger, temporarily Dear Webby, I need to occasionally make my fonts bigger for some small print, but not the convoluted rigamarole, that makes everything bigger permanently. Hope you can help! Izzy  Dear Izzy Hold down the CTRL key, and roll the scroll wheel on the mouse away from you. To shrink stuff, do the opposite: Hold down CTRL and rol the scroll wheel towards you. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door, with my marble rolling pin!" 
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 The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza." ____________________________________________ The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt." ____________________________________________ Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual having sex with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?" Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?" ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
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 Today, August 18, in 1227 The Mongol conqueror Ghengis Khan died. 1587 Virginia Dare became the first child to be born on American soil of English parents. The colony that is now Roanoke Island, NC, mysteriously vanished. 1846 Gen. Stephen W. Kearney and his U.S. forces captured Santa Fe, NM. 1894 The Bureau of Immigration was established by the U.S. Congress. 1914 The "Proclamation of Neutrality" was issued by U.S. President Woodrow Wilson. It was aimed at keeping the U.S. out of World War I. 1916 Abraham Lincoln's birthplace was made into a national shrine. 1919 The "Anti-Cigarette League of America" was formed in Chicago IL. 1920 Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The Amendment guaranteed the right of all American women to vote. 1937 The first FM radio construction permit was issued in Boston, MA. The station went on the air two years later. 1938 The Thousand Islands Bridge was dedicated by U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt. The bridge connects the U.S. and Canada. 1940 Canada and the U.S. established a joint defense plan against possible enemy attacks during World War II. 1958 Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita" was published. 1966 The first pictures of earth taken from moon orbit were sent back to the U.S. 1990 The first shots were fired by the U.S. in the Persian Gulf Crisis when a U.S. frigate fired rounds across the bow of an Iraqi oil tanker. 1991 An unsuccessful coup was attempted in against President Mikhail S. Gorbachev. The Soviet hard-liners were responsible. Gorbechev and his family were effectively imprisoned for three days while vacationing in Crimea. 1997 Beth Ann Hogan became the first coed in the Virginia Military Institute's 158-year history. 1998 Mrs. Field's Original Cookies announced that they would acquire the Great American Cookie Co. 2004 Donald Trump unveiled his board game (TRUMP the Game) where players bid on real estate, buy big ticket items and make billion-dollar business deals. 2021 Do smiled. 
 
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