Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, January 19 On Thursday, January 21, I have to go to Calgary for injections into my eyeballs. Well, you know the routine. After that I won't be able to write and send your newsletter for 3 days. NO Friday, Saturday or Sunday issue. Monday I will be back in your mail again. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Do As My T-Shirt Says, Not As I Do ___________________________________________________ Today, January 19 in 1993 IBM announced a loss of $4.97 billion for 1992. It was the largest single-year loss in U.S. corporate history. _____________________________________________________ Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. --- George Burns (1896 - 1996) _____________________________________________________ >From Ella A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Mary for this one: One frigid morning in New Mexico a man turned up at work much the worse for wear. "I didn't sleep a wink," he told a coworker. "I was up all night trying to keep my wife's begonia covered against the freezing cold." "I should be so lucky," his coworker replied. "When it's this cold my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, I can't get anywhere near her begonia." _____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Top Ten Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists (Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!) 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing"signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 4. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 5. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 6. Are there birds in Canada? 7. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 8. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 9. Where do you put the animals at night? 10. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom." Tourist: " Oh". __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Esequiel Robles, 40, Williston, North Dakota, USA Do As My T-Shirt Says, Not As I Do A North Dakota man on probation for narcotics possession was wearing a Dont Do Drugs t-shirt when he was arrested yesterday for methamphetamine possession. Esequiel Robles, 40, was collared following a traffic stop in Williston. A search of his vehicle turned up a baggie containing meth and a spoon with meth residue, according to a probable cause affidavit filed in District Court. Charged with narcotics possession and possession of drug paraphernalia, Robles was booked into the Williams County jail, where the above photo was snapped. Robles was convicted in late-2019 for meth possession and was sentenced to three years in prison (two of which were suspended) and placed on two years probation upon his departure from custody. Robles is scheduled for a bond hearing on January 20 and a preliminary hearing on February 17. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Bill Re: Lost cursor in W10 Dear Webby At times, I lose the cursor controlled by my wireless mouse. I know that you have covered this problem before, but I cant recall the solution. I have changed the battery. After vigorous movement of the mouse, it miraculously reappears. I fear that someday this wont solve the problem. I know that you will have the solution. Thanks, Bill Dear Bill Bill I got fed up with that typical W10 problem and bought a W7 refurb for CDN $300, about US$200. Same mouse. Never even changed the battery. Simply plugged the mouse wireless transceiver into the W7, and everything worked the way it is supposed to. There are tons of excuses from Microsoft support, trying to blame the mouse. Buying a new mouse will not help. The problem is NOT the mouse, but a W10 update in the fall. If you can roll back the updates to summer, the mouse will miraculously work again just fine, without even changing the battery. Good Luck! DearWebby "Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina. "Fifty years," Grandma replied. "That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?" "Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Do you remember the Burma Shave signs? ***Burma Shave*** BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE, ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE ***Burma Shave*** DON'T LOOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT *** Burma Shave*** DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING ***Burma Shave*** HUGGING ON HIGHWAY FAVORITE SPORT TRADE IN YOUR CAR FOR A DAVENPORT ***Burma Shave*** CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER ***Burma Shave*** SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT ***Burma Shave*** THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE ***Burma Shave*** AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? ***Burma shave*** NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU *** Burma Shave*** A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' ***Burma Shave*** AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY ***Burma Shave*** BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE ***Burma Shave*** THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING ***Burma Shave*** CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. ***Burma Shave*** DRUNKEN DRIVERS HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO HOBBLE HOME IN AN AMBULANCE ***Burma Shave*** And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW ***Burma Shave*** ____________________________________________ Keli: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind? Greg: that you are a lesbian. ____________________________________________ A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs....I am happy with that arrangement." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!" ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today Jan 19 in 1793 King Louis XVI was tried by the French Convention, found guilty of treason and sentenced to the guillotine. 1825 Ezra Daggett and Thomas Kensett of New York City patented a canning process to preserve salmon, oysters and lobsters. 1861 Georgia seceded from the Union. 1883 Thomas Edison's first village electric lighting system using overhead wires began operation in Roselle, NJ. 1915 George Claude, of Paris, France, patented the neon discharge tube for use in advertising signs. 1915 More than 20 people were killed when German zeppelins bombed England for the first time. The bombs were dropped on Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn. 1937 Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record. He flew from Los Angeles to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds. 1942 The Japanese invaded Burma (later Myanmar). 1944 The U.S. federal government relinquished control of the nation's railroads after the settlement of a wage dispute. 1949 The salary of the President of the United States was increased from $75,000 to $100,000 with an additional $50,000 expense allowance for each year in office. 1952 The National Football League (NFL) bought the franchise of the New York Yankees from Ted Collins. The franchise was then awarded to a group in Dallas on January 24. 1953 Sixty-eight percent of all TV sets in the U.S. were tuned to CBS-TV, as Lucy Ricardo, of "I Love Lucy," gave birth to a baby boy. 1955 U.S. President Eisenhower allowed a filmed news conference to be used on television (and in movie newsreels) for the first time. 1957 Philadelphia comedian, Ernie Kovacs, did a half-hour TV show without saying a single word of dialogue. 1966 Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India. 1969 In protest against the Russian invasion of 1968, Czech student Jan Palach set himself on fire in Prague's Wenceslas Square. 1971 At the Charles Manson murder trial, the Beatles' "Helter Skelter" was played. At the scene of one of his gruesome murders, the words "helter skelter" were written on a mirror. 1977 U.S. President Ford pardoned Iva Toguri D'Aquino (the "Tokyo Rose"). 1979 Former U.S. Attorney General John N. Mitchell was released on parole after serving 19 months at a federal prison in Alabama. 1981 The U.S. and Iran signed an agreement paving the way for the release of 52 Americans held hostage for more than 14 months and for arrangements to unfreeze Iranian assets and to resolve all claims against Iran. 1983 China announced that it was bannning 1983 purchases of cotton, soybeans and chemical fibers from the United States. 1993 IBM announced a loss of $4.97 billion for 1992. It was the largest single-year loss in U.S. corporate history. 1995 Russian forces overwhelmed the resistance forces in Chechnya. 1996 U.S. first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was subpoenaed to appear before a federal grand jury. The investigation was concerning the discovery of billing records related to the Whitewater real estate investment venture. 1997 Yasser Arafat returned to Hebron for the first time in more than 30 years. He joined 60,000 Palestinians in celebration over the handover of the last West Bank city in Israeli control. 2001 Texas officials demoted a warden and suspended three other prison workers in the wake of the escape of the "Texas 7." 2006 NASA's New Horizons spacecraft was launched. The mission was the first to investigate Pluto. 2013 In Scottsdale, AZ, the original Batmobile for the TV series "Batman" sold at auction for $4.6 million. It was the first of six Batmobiles produced for the show. 2021 Do smiled. |
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