Good Morning, Do! Thank you very much, Frank!!! Today is Saturday, December 8 Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award: Utah Mom Lured Ex Out of Apartment Before Murdering his current wife Blondie jumping onto frozen lake ______________________________________________________ Today, December 8 in 1854 Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. The theory holds that Mary, mother of Jesus, was free of original sin from the moment she was conceived. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
There are sadistic scientists who hurry to hunt down errors instead of establishing the truth. --- Marie Curie (1867 - 1934) It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." --- Dylan Thomas ______________________________________________________ A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICANISM You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Many are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. ______________________________________________________ Waiting for hubby _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Chelsea Watrous Cook, 32, Salt Lake City, Utah Utah Mom Lured Ex Out of Apartment Before Murdering his current wife Utah has never executed a woman or had a woman on death row, but that could change after Sunday night's murder in suburban Salt Lake City. Chelsea Watrous Cook, 32, has been charged with aggravated murder in the shooting of Lisa Vilate Williams, 26, and could face the death penalty, Deseret News reports. Police say the teacher lured ex-husband Travis Cook out of his apartment by saying she had cold medicine for one of their 3-year-twins, reports the AP. Security camera footage captured her hiding in the hallway as he walked out to the parking lot. Police say she then sneaked into the apartment, where she ended up shooting Williams, her ex-husband's new girlfriend, who had been making Christmas tree ornaments with the twins. Authorities say Travis Cook managed to get the gun away from his ex-wife and pin her to a wall until police arrived. Williams' mother and sister tell the AP that they feared for her safety after Cook harassed her and bullied her online for months. Public records state that Cook was charged with misdemeanor domestic violence last month after arguing with her ex-husband when he tried to pick up the twins. Court records state that she yelled "disparaging comments" about Williams, who was not present, and grabbed her ex-husband by the hair, causing him to tumble down stairs. Cook, who worked as a health and yoga teacher at a Lehi high school, is being held without bail. From: Kitty Re: Locked icons Dear Webby, here i am again. how do i unlock the icons. to where we can move them around the screen. not all bunched toughther. ? Kitty Dear Kitty Right-click on the desktop and choose Arrange Icons. Unclick Auto Arrange. Unclick Align to grid. They should now stay where you put them. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Sandie for this story: The doctor said to a patient's husband, "I'm sorry. We did all that was humanly possible, but we just can't wake her from her coma. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid." "But doctor, she's so young! She's only thirty-nine." Upon which the comatose wife weakly said, "Thirty-seven!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Old buddies Father Mulhaney and Rabbi Silverman were having their monthly breakfast. Father Mulhaney was enjoying his usual bacon and eggs, while Rabbi Silverman was savoring his lox and bagels . Father Mulhaney asked, "Would you like to try a piece of bacon? Lots of people eat bacon, and it is very tasty. Why don't you try a piece?" Rabbi Silverman replied, "You are quite right, my friend. I think I will try some bacon." "When?" asked the priest. "At your wedding, of course," responded the rabbi. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Storing Dry Dog Food If you have a large dog, store dog food in a plastic garbage can or large tub. For smaller dogs, you can you use a small plastic tub or one of those decorative tins that popcorn comes in. Just empty the bag of dry food into the container and keep a scoop in it. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | C Stop Everything and Discover the World of 3D Cat Portraiture |
___________________________________________________ Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's Day." ___________________________________________________ While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Tom My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer. "What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?" ___________________________________________________ | Today December 8 in 1765 Eli Whitney was born in Westboro, MA. Whitney invented the cotton gin and developed the concept of mass-production of interchangeable parts. Before him only plows were mass produced with interchangeable parts. 1776 George Washington's retreating army in the American Revolution crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey to Pennsylvania. 1854 Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. The theory holds that Mary, mother of Jesus, was free of original sin from the moment she was conceived. 1863 U.S. President Abraham Lincoln announced his plan for the Reconstruction of the South. 1863 Tom King of England defeated American John Heenan and became the first world heavyweight champion. 1886 At a convention of union leaders in Columbus, OH, the American Federation of Labor was founded. 1941 The United States entered World War II when it declared war against Japan. The act came one day after the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Canada declared war on Japan on the day of the Pearl Harbor attack. 1949 The Chinese Nationalist government moved from the Chinese mainland to Formosa (Taiwan) due to Communists pressure. 1952 On the show "I Love Lucy," a pregnancy was acknowledged in a TV show for the first time. 1953 Los Angeles became the third largest city in the United States. 1962 Workers of the International Typographical Union began striking and closed nine New York City newspapers. The strike lasted 114 days and ended April 1, 1963. 1980 Zimbabwe's manpower minister, Edgar Tekere, was found guilty in the killing of a white farmer. He was freed under a law that protected ministers acting to suppress terrorism. 1982 Norman D. Mayer demanding an end to nuclear weapons held the Washington Monument hostage. He threatened to blow it up with explosives he claimed were inside a van. 10 hours later he was shot to death by police. 1984 In Roanoke, Virginia, a jury found Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt innocent of libeling Reverend Jerry Falwell with a parody advertisement. However Falwell was awarded $200,000 for emotional distress. 1987 U.S. President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed a treaty agreeing to destroy their nations' arsenals of intermediate-range nuclear missiles. 1987 The "intefadeh" (Arabic for uprising) by Palestinians in the Israeli-occupied territories began. 1989 Communist leaders in Czechoslovakia offered to surrender their control over the government and accept a minority role in a coalition Cabinet. 1991 Russia, Byelorussia and Ukraine declared the Soviet national government to be dead. They forged a new alliance to be known as the Commonwealth of Independent States. The act was denounced by Russian President Gorbachev as unconstitutional. 1992 Americans got to see live television coverage of U.S. troops landing on the beaches of Somalia during Operation Restore Hope. (Due to the time difference, it was December 9 in Somalia.) 1993 U.S. President Clinton signed into law the North American Free Trade Agreement. 1994 Bosnian Serbs released dozens of hostage peacekeepers, but continued to detain about 300 others. 1994 In Los Angeles, 12 alternate jurors were chosen for the O.J. Simpson murder trial. 1997 The second largest bank was created with the announcement that Union Bank Switzerland and the Swiss Bank Corporation would merge. The combined assets were more than $590 billion. 1997 Jenny Shipley was sworn in as the first female prime minister of New Zealand. 1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police could not search a person or their cars after ticketing for a routine traffic violation. 1998 The FBI opened its files on Frank Sinatra to the public. The file contained over 1,300 pages. 1998 Nkem Chukwu and Iyke Louis Udobi's first of eight babies was born. The other seven were delivered 12 days later. 1998 AT&T Corp. announced that it was buying IBM's data networking business for $5 billion cash. 1998 The first female ice hockey game in Olympic history was played. Finland beat Sweden 6-0. 1999 In Memphis, TN, a jury found that Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. had been the victim of a vast murder conspiracy, not a lone assassin. 1999 Russia and Belarus agreed in principle to form an economic and political confederation. 2000 Mario Lemieux announced to the Pittsburgh Penguins that he planned to return to the National Hockey League (NHL) as a player at age 35. He would be the first modern owner-player in U.S. pro sports. 2018 Do smiled. |
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