Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, Sept 23 ___________________________________________________ Q Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. --- Jay Leno (1950 - ) Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit. --- Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915) ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Suspect of home invasion arrested in Atwater ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 23, in 1999, A 17-month-old girl fell 230 feet from the Capilano Suspension Bridge in North Vancouver, British Columbia. The girl had bruises but no broken limbs from the fall onto a rocky ledge. ____________________________________________________ A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "Socks!" __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Did you hear about the first woman to smoke? Note ref: King James Gensis 24:64 And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Issac, she lighted off the camel. ___________________________________________________ A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." __________________________________________________ Sheep river road to Kananaskis, about 7 miles from here _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Irene Re: Laptop or desktop Dear Webby, Which is better, a laptop or a desktop? Irene Dear Irene The question should be, which is better FOR YOU? If you do your work in a coffee shop or park bench, then of course a laptop is better for you. If you always work in the same office, and like big monitors, then a desktop is better for you. Sure, you can add ONE big monitor to your small laptop, but with a desktop, you can have TWO big monitors. If you do accounting and always run out of space and have to scroll and slide your spreadsheet, or wish you could have two spreadsheets open side by side, then a desktop is better for you. With a desktop you can have two identical monitors side by side, and have either one spreadsheet smoothly extending over two monitors, or have different ones side by side. For example, you can have one monitor showing your weekly or monthly data, and copy paste parts of them onto the annual data on the other. If you are screaming: "Yeah, THAT is what I need!", then get a desktop and two identical 16" monitors. If none of that makes sense and you just want to go to the coffee shop and do your mail and chat with your 17 lovers,, then get a laptop. The cost is about the same. A desktop and two monitors costs the same as a laptop. Don't worry about how long they will last. Microsoft will soon come out with a new version of Windows, that will make machines built for the current version too slow for work. Right now, for example, even though nobody except for the computer vendors wanted a new version, they came out with W10, which is a real snail when run on a Windows7 machine. They will keep doing that, and in a few years you will need to buy a new machine. Just get what is best for you now, and don't worry about Windows12 just yet. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ Top 10 ways to torment a telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." 9. If they say they're John doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends.....would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! " Say goodbye and hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Now for my four methods for dealing with telemarketers: a) "Send me an email. I am deaf. Send me an email. I am deaf. Send me an email. I am deaf." Click. b) I let my little Squeaky-Duck answer. "Squeeak Sqweeeeek Squeek-Squeek-Squeeeeek!!!" c) "Are youuu a TELEMARKETER?" in the tone and volume as if I had asked if he or she was a child molester. d) Burp!! Click. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "Then I just use their last name!" _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Alejandro Macias Torres, ATWATER, California, USA Suspect of home invasion arrested in Atwater ATWATER, Calif. (KSEE/KGPE) A suspect of a home invasion investigation has been arrested while driving in Atwater and allegedly possessing a stolen gun, the Merced County Sheriffs Office said on Thursday. On Wednesday, deputies say they observed a suspect vehicle involved in a home invasion driving on Bellevue Road and Constitution Drive in Atwater. Deputies say they conducted a traffic stop of the suspects vehicle and the driver, identified as Alejandro Macias Torres who is in his late 20s, was taken into custody. Sheriffs officials state a search of the car was completed, and a loaded pistol was located. The firearm was reported stolen out of Fresno County. Later in the day, detectives served a search warrant at Torres residence. During the search warrant, detectives say they located ammunition and an unregistered AR-style pistol. Torres was booked into the Merced County Jail on suspicion of attempted homicide, home invasion, and firearm-related charges. _____________________________________________________ My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening. Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang. My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ." __________________________________________________ As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset." She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference." _______________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ >From Ellen A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. Her husband teased her and said she would never be able to stay away from the other half until dinner the next night. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would rub it in. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" ___________________________________________ A Florida man in a trench coat walked into a supermarket. After walking around for several minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the cashier. He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trench coat and slapped his penis down next to the beans. The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it repeatedly down on the flasher's private parts. He screamed and passed out from the pain. The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report the responding officer wrote, "He should have purchased a loaf of bread." __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 23, Do smiled. 1642, The first commencement at Harvard College, in Cambridge, MA, was held. 1779, John Paul Jones, commander of the American warship Bon Homme, was quoted as saying "I have not yet begun to fight!" 1780, John Andre, a British spy, was captured with papers revealing that Benedict Arnold was going to surrender West Point, NY, to the British. 1806, The Corps of Discovery, the Lewis and Clark expedition, reached St. Louis, MO, and ended the trip to the Pacific Northwest. 1845, The Knickerbocker Base Ball Club of New York was formed by Alexander Joy Cartwright. It was the first baseball team in America. 1846, Astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. 1930, Flashbulbs were patented by Johannes Ostermeier. 1951, The first transcontinental telecast was received on the west coast. The show "Crusade for Freedom" was broadcast by CBS-TV from New York. 1952, The first Pay Television sporting event took place. The Marciano-Walcott fight was seen in 49 theaters in 31 cities. 1953, "The Robe" premiered in Hollywood a week after its premiere in New York. The 20th Century Fox movie had been filmed using the Cinemascope wide screen process. 1957, Nine black students withdrew from Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas due to the white mob outside. 1962, "The Jetsons" premiered on ABC-TV. It was the first program on the network to be carried in color. 1973, Overthrown Argentine president Juan Peron was returned to power. He had been overthrown in 1955. His wife, Eva Duarte, was the subject of the musical "Evita." 1981, The Reagan administration announced its plans for what became known as Radio Marti. 1986, Japanese newspapers quoted Prime Minister Yasuhiro Nakasone as saying that minorities lowered the "intelligence level" of America. 1990, Iraq publicly threatened to destroy Middle East oil fields and to attack Israel if any nation tried to force it from Kuwait. 1991, U.N. weapons inspectors find documents detailing Iraq's secret nuclear weapons program. The find in Baghdad triggered a standoff with authorities in Iraq. 1993, The Israeli parliament ratified the Israel-PLO accord. 1993, Black people were allowed a role in the South African government after a parliamentary vote. 1999, A 17-month-old girl fell 230 feet from the Capilano Suspension Bridge in North Vancouver, British Columbia. The girl had bruises but no broken limbs from the fall onto a rocky ledge. 2023, Do! smiled. Have FUN DearWebby
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