Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, August 23, 2023 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead award Accused thief said, "I'm not good at shoplifting" ___________________________________________________ Q Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. --- Nikita Khrushchev (1894 - 1971) Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. --- Voltaire ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History: Today, Aug 23, in 1999, Rescuers in Turkey found a young boy that had been buried in rubble from an earthquake for about a week. ___________________________________________________ Metric System Conversion Hints for Americans 1 nanosecond = the time between when you tell a child "no" and when he/she does it again 1 Milli-second = time elapsed after the recorded audio track plays and before the singers move their lips at a "live" concert 467 grams = what 2 grams of Haagen-Dazs will register on your bathroom scale 1 centimeter = the distance Joan Rivers' eyebrows move up each year 1 Molson = 2 Budweisers 1.5 meters = the circumference around Anna Nicole's chest -- or her waist 1 femtosecond = the time it takes a feminist to react to being called a "gal at the office" 28 grams = start flushing if there's a loud knock on the door 1 kilogram = the mass of the contents of your underpants the minute we go to terror threat condition red 14 Renaults = 1 Chevy Silverado 10,000 milligrams = the amount of sodium pentothal required to fell a rampaging Limbaugh 1 tonne = 1 regular ton + 16 kilograms of European attitude 1 liter = amount of gasoline purchased with a single unemployment check 600 meters = the distance between any two Starbucks franchises 1 hookernight = 1 kilodollar __________________________________________________ 3+1 __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Shit." ______________________________________________ One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words. A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock." Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" - only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L". Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen. ____________________________________________________ Shirley Otway Northern Hawk Owl Kananaskis _____________________________________________________ One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied John, "you just cook better now." _____________________________________________________ On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in 'marriage.'" The wife said, "And for my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!" ___________________________________________________ A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's, that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?" She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold." __________________________________________________ From: Samantha RE: Laptop keyboard Dear Webby, My wrists and hands are hurting. The doctor says it is probably from using a laptop at work and at home. Well, I can't stop either. And no, I can not afford a vacation. What do I do now? Samantha Dear Samantha Buy a regular $12 keyboard. It plugs into the USB port on laptops. I have used them for over 30 years. Get one, that feels comfortable, and make sure it has the numerical keypad built in. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all." So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!" The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!" ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Daniel Kaczmar, 53, Largo, Florida, USA Accused thief said, "I'm not good at shoplifting" After being caught stealing bicycle accessories from Walmart, a Florida Man reportedly gave police a devastating self- analysis. The 53-year-olds spontaneous admission came yesterday following his arrest for swiping a bicycle pump, lock, and inner tube from a Walmart in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area. Police say Kaczmar parked his bike--which had a flat tire-- outside the Walmart before entering the store and stashing items worth $35.88 under his t-shirt. Store security spotted Kaczmar (seen at right) in action and alerted police, who collared the accused thief outside the store. When cops initially contacted Kaczmar, he made the following spontaneous statement, Im not good at shoplifting, reported Officer Luis Rodriguez. Since his rap sheet includes two prior theft convictions, Kaczmar was hit with a felony charge for Tuesdays alleged pilferage. He is locked up in lieu of $2000 bond. Kaczmar was arrested last month for stealing $20.78 worth of multiple drinks and sandwiches from a Walmart in St. Petersburg. At the time of his arrest in that case, Kaczmar was also charged with possession of fentanyl and drug paraphernalia. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today August 23, in 1775, Britains King George III stated the American colonies were in a state of "open and avowed rebellion." 1838, The first class graduated from Mount Holyoke Female Seminary in South Hadley, MA. It was one of the first colleges for women. 1839, Hong Kong was taken by the British in a war with China. 1858, "Ten Nights in a Barroom" opened in New York City at the National Theater. It was a melodrama about the evils of drinking. 1892, The printed streetcar transfer was patented by John H. Stedman. 1902, Fannie Merrit Farmer opened her cooking school, Miss Farmers School of Cookery, in Boston, MA. 1904, Hard D. Weed patented the grip-tread tire chain for cars. 1914, Tsingtao, China, was bombarded as Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1939, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non- aggression treaty. 1944, During World War II, Romanian prime minister Ion Antonescue was dismissed. Soon after the country would abandon the Axis and join the winning Allies. 1944, Marseilles was captured by Allied troops during World War II. 1947, Margaret Truman, U.S. President Truman's daughter, gave her first public performance as a singer. The event was at the Hollywood Bowl and had an audience of 15,000. 1952, The security pact of the Arab League went into effect. 1959, In the Peanuts comic strip, Sally debuted as an infant. 1962, The first live TV program was relayed between the U.S. and Europe through the U.S. Telstar satellite. 1970, U.S. swimmer Gary Hall broke three world records at the AAU (Amateur Athletic Union) outdoor swimming meet, held in Los Angeles, CA. 1979, Soviet dancer Alexander Godunov defected while the Bolshoi Ballet was on tour in New York City. 1982, The parliament of Lebanon elected Bashir Bemayel president. He was assassinated three weeks later. 1983, The U.S. announced that it was nearly ready for a test flight of an anti-satellite missile. 1984, South Fork Ranch, the home of the fictitious Ewing clan of the CBS-TV show, "Dallas," was sold. The ranch was to be transformed from a tourist site into a hotel. 1987, Robert Jarvik and Marilyn Mach vos Savant were married. The event was called the "Union of Great Minds" since Savant had an IQ of 228 and Jarvik was the inventor of the artificial heart. 1990, President Saddam Hussein appeared on Iraqi state television with a group of Western detainees that he referred to as "guests." He told the group that they were being held "to prevent the scourge of war." 1993, It was confirmed by Los Angeles police that Michael Jackson was the subject of a criminal investigation. 1996, U.S. President Clinton imposed limits on peddling cigarettes to children. 1998, Protestors in Sudan carried a sign that bore the resemblance of Monica Lewinsky and the words "No War for Monika." The anti-U.S. demonstration was in Khartoum, Sudan. 1998, Boris Yeltsin dismissed the Russian government again. 1999, Rescuers in Turkey found a young boy that had been buried in rubble from an earthquake for about a week. 1999, Robert Bogucki was rescued after getting lost in the Great Sandy Desert of Australia on July 11. During the 43 day ordeal Bogucki lost 44 pounds. 2000, Richard Hatch was revealed as the winning castaway on CBS' "Survivor." Hatch won $1,000,000 for his stay on the island of Pulau Tida in the South China Sea. 2011, Near Mineral, VA, a 5.8 earthquake caused cracks in the Washington Monument and damaged the Washington National Monument. 2023, Do smiled.
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