Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, November 29 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Carjacker got tenderized Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, November 29 in 1864 The Sand Creek Massacre occurred in Colorado when a militia led by Colonel John Chivington, killed at least 400 peaceful Cheyenne and Arapaho Indians who had surrendered and had been given permission to camp. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. --- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers BOTH events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me." "Are you in any pain?" she asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went." ______________________________________________________ BIG Duck! _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet soon. That stuff is quite poisonous." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angelo Martinez, 21, Albuquerque, N.M. NM car jacker got tenderized, but not enough Every single day, numerous thugs carjack expensive vehicles and ride away without ever being caught once they're gone, it's hard to track them down. Fortunately however, one saggy-pants thug just got exactly what he deserved after trying to steal a vehicle. Angelo Martinez was a lowlife thug who spent his time committing petty crimes, but one day he decided to go for the big leagues grand theft auto. He saw what looked like a perfect target on the street, with several unarmed individuals sitting inside. Unfortunately for him however, he didn't realize who they were until it was too late. Anyone who's ever had their car stolen knows how much of a pain it can be, especially if the thug never gets caught. You can lose thousands and thousands of dollars in a single instant, all because some greedy, worthless scumbag decided to take something that wasn't his. This wasn't one of those times. Martinez approached a group of men and asked them for a ride, to which they agreed. Unfortunately they didn't realize that Martinez planned on stealing their car once he'd gained their trust. Thugs like him take advantage of the kindness of strangers, but as this thug was about to learn, there's some strangers you don't mess with. After getting close to the car, Martinez pulled a gun on the men and demanded that they give up the vehicle. One of the men asked if he could take his phone with him as a distraction, and the other two immediately sprung into action they tackled him, subdued him, and beat his stupid little face into a bloody pulp. Unfortunately for this thug, he didn't realize that the men he attempted to carjack were three highly talented football players. Out of all the people he could've chosen, from old ladies to young and naive teenage girls, he had the bad luck to stumble upon three of the baddest football players in town and his face shows it. Apparently they did not hit him hard enough. ============================================ He looks different, but the man accused of trying to carjack four Albuquerque football players was arrested again. Albuquerque Police picked up 21-year-old Angelo Martinez on Friday after catching him in a stolen Honda with meth. Martinez will stay behind bars for about a week, until a judge decides whether he will be held without bond. The state has filed a motion for preventative detention so we will have it transferred over to a district court. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Marlene Re: Laplink Ad Dear Webby, How are your eyes? I hope better after the injections. I was reading the newsletter today and I guess because of the question about ads, I noticed the ad for "pcmover". it has a discount on it that expires June 30, 2015. just thought you might like to fix it. All the best from south Georgia, USA Marlene Dear Marlene Eyes are indeed better. You are right, they still got the same ad. I was just linking to their banner. So I bitched at them, and painted a new one myself. Surprisingly, they kept the price the same, even though they did a complete overhaul with the help of Intel to take advantage of the current processors. You can still move from an ancient XP to the newest machine, but the transfer will run even faster now. I have used LapLink since the 80's, long before I ever had a laptop. For a planned move Laplink is indispensable, unless you want to spend a week fussing and cussing. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic: None. Candles only, but they must be bees wax candles. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday.Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What's a light bulb? | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Potato Gnocchi By attosa Gnocchi ready to boil.I think we all get very excited when we score that 99 cent 5-pound bag of potatoes. But what to do when you're tired of all the garlic mash and baked spuds? Try gnocchi! Little Italian pillows of love. Here is a very easy way to make some of these classy little dumplings. Serve with your favorite pasta sauce, some sage butter, or just Parmesan cheese. Believe me, they are better than the expensive packaged stuff at the shops! Yield: 6 servings Ingredients: 4 baking potatoes 2 beaten eggs 2 cups flour salt Steps: Put unpeeled potatoes in a large pot of water and bring to a boil. Cook for about 30-40 minutes until tender. Drain potatoes thoroughly. While they're still warm, hold them with a kitchen towel and peel their skins off. Discard skins. Pass potatoes through a ricer into a large bowl. If you don't have a ricer, you can also mash with a potato masher or fork. Add the flour and the eggs and pinch of salt. Mix everything by hand until you have a nice big ball of dough. Prepare a work surface by dusting with flour. Divide dough into four balls then turn each ball into a rope 3/4 inch in diameter by gently rolling in floured work space. Cut the tubes of dough into pieces about one inch long. Using the tines of a fork, press against each piece of the dough. This is for the purpose of catching whatever sauce you use. Transfer them to a floured or lined tray. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil and drop half the gnocchi in. Cook until they float to the surface, about 2 to 3 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon, draining well. Continue cooking the remaining gnocchi dough in the same manner. Serve with your favorite sauce, butter, cheese, or all of the above. Enjoy! Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com font> ____________________________________________________ When the Bob came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son." __________________________________________________ | | The Jealous Wall, Ireland's largest folly. |
Teaching junior high school English, Miss Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When she graded his paper, Miss Speller added a little note next to his that said, Maybe next time you will do butter. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, November 29, in 1864 The Sand Creek Massacre occurred in Colorado when a militia led by Colonel John Chivington, killed at least 400 peaceful Cheyenne and Arapaho Indians who had surrendered and had been given permission to camp. 1890 Navy defeated Army by a score of 24-0 in the first Army-Navy football game. The game was played at West Point, NY. 1892 A patent was issued to Almon Brown Strowger for the rotary dial. 1929 The first airplane flight over the South Pole was made by U.S. Navy Lt. Comdr. Richard E. Byrd. 1939 The USSR broke off diplomatic relations with Finland prior to a Soviet attack. 1945 The monarchy was abolished in Yugoslavia and a republic proclaimed. 1947 The U.N. General Assembly passed a resolution that called for the division of Palestine between Arabs and Jews. 1961 The Mercury-Atlas 5 spacecraft was launched by the U.S. with Enos the chimp on board. The craft orbited the earth twice before landing off Puerto Rico. 1963 A Trans-Canada Airlines DC-8F with 111 passengers and 7 crew members crashed in woods north of Montreal 4 minutes after takeoff from Dorval Airport. All aboard were killed. The crash was the worst in Canada's history. 1963 U.S. President Johnson named a commission headed by Earl Warren to investigate the assassination of President Kennedy. 1967 U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert S. McNamara announced that he was leaving the Johnson administration to become president of the World Bank. 1974 In Britain, a bill that outlawed the Irish Republican Army became effective. 1975 Bill Gates adopted the name Microsoft for the company he and Paul Allen had formed to write the BASIC computer language for the Altair. 1981 Actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island, CA, at the age 43. 1982 The U.N. General Assembly voted that the Soviet Union should withdraw its troops from Afghanistan. 1986- Actor Cary Grant died at the age of 82. 1987 A Korean jetliner disappeared off Burma, with 115 people aboard. 1987 Cuban detainees released 26 hostages they'd been holding for more than a week at the Federal Detention Center in Oakdale, LA. 1988 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the rights of criminal defendants are not violated when police unintentionally fail to preserve potentially vital evidence. 1989 In Czechoslovakia, the Communist-run parliament ended the party's 40-year monopoly on power. 1990 The U.N. Security Council voted to authorize military action if Iraq did not withdraw its troops from Kuwait and release all foreign hostages by January 15, 1991. 1991 17 people were killed in a 164-vehicle wreck during a dust storm near Coalinga, CA, on Interstate 5. 1994 Fighter jets attacked the capital of Chechnya and its airport only hours after Russian President Boris Yeltsin demanded the breakaway republic end its civil war. 1996 A U.N. court sentenced Bosnian Serb army soldier Drazen Erdemovic to 10 years in prison for his role in the massacre of 1,200 Muslims. The sentence was the first international war crimes sentence since World War II. 1998 Swiss voters overwhelmingly rejected legalizing heroin and other narcotics. 2004 The French government announced plans to build the Louvre II in northern France. The 236,808 square foot museum was the planned home for 500-600 works from the Louvre's reserves. 2008 In China, construction on the Shanghai Tower began. 2017 Do smiled. |
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