Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
| | Subscribe | |
Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, October 27 Welcome back Bill ! DearWebby had an accident! He seems to be OK, but needs a vehicle. His ancient truck apparently is a write-off and got towed, and confiscted by the towing company. If you have some loose change or a few bucks stashed under the mattress, please send them to him! (`v) Ophelia _____________________________________________________ 1 "Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize that you were in love with me?" "Well, I suppose.." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay." ___________________________________________________ 2 The bridegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into their honeymoon suite. They had taken off all their clothes, when suddenly the sweet young thing begins to temble uncontrolably. "What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice. She was now shivering all over. I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance," she said. The groom thought about it for a few moments, then picked up the phone and called the bell captain for help. Four bellboys came rushing into the room. "Quick! You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them. To the other two," Grab her legs and hold her tight." He leaped into the bed on top of her, slid his penis inside her, and then shouted to the bellboys, " Okay, fellows, let her go!!" ______________________________________________________ 3 A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a female passenger. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the female passenger's head and demanded, "take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one said a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blow jobs." ______________________________________________________ 5 A man and a woman who have never met before finds themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out, and with a glint in his eye.says. I"ve got a better idea....Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not she giggles' "Great," he replies, "Get your own dam blanket!". _____________________________________________________ 6 Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?" Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French." ________________________________________________ 7 There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting some muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!" ____________________________________________________ 8 A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know." --------------- Sounds like me. Always cheerfully able to reply to a stupid question with a stupid answer. ____________________________________________________
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. Renew / Upgrade __________________________________________________
(`v) Enjoy! Ophelia ===================
| 1411If you like my work, Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! |
MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software
Webby 1996-2014
You can un-subscribe from this list by clicking this link:
http://webby.com/magiclist/index.cgi?act=u&l=HuMorL2&[email protected]