Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, July 1 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, June 30, in 1991, The Warsaw Pact dissolved. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Aurora, Ill. gang leader gets 55 years in prison for gun offenses __________________________________________________ Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. --- Tom Stoppard (1937 - ) If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. --- Kin Hubbard __________________________________________________ The mayor of a small town in Texas decided to ride with a policeman to learn what they do when they issue a traffic ticket. The officer told the mayor, " we'll just follow a car for a few miles and the motorist will surely make a mistake somewhere on his trip." They found a guy in a Lexus and began to follow. After three miles no violations. Then six miles no violations and then after ten miles the policeman turned to the mayor and said, "I think I'll stop that driver and congratulate him on being so careful." He pulled the car to the side of the road and went slowly to the drivers window. He complemented the driver for being so careful and the driver said, "Hic! Ya gotta be careful when you're ash drunk ash I am!" __________________________________________________ >From Oma As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Andres Ramirez, in jail, Illinois, USA Aurora, Ill. gang leader gets 55 years in prison for gun offenses Kane County State's Attorney Jamie L. Mosser announced that Judge David P. Kliment sentenced Andres Ramirez to 55 years of imprisonment, in the Illinois Department of Corrections. In May, a jury found Ramirez guilty of armed violence, a Class X felony, aggravated discharge of a firearm, Class 1 felony, and unlawful possession of a firearm, Class 2 felony. Evidence was presented that, at about 7:30 p.m. on March 19th, 2020, Ramirez stepped out of a residence in the 200 block of Jefferson Street in Aurora, and fired eight shots from a handgun in the direction of a marked Aurora police car driving down the street. One bullet struck a house across the street, another striking a parked car. No one was injured. Ramirez was on parole at the time for a prior offense of attempted first-degree murder in 2003, for which he was sentenced to 16 1/2 years and 3 years mandatory supervised release in 2017. According to Illinois law, Ramirez is eligible for day- for=day sentencing on the 55 year term. Ramirez faced a minimum sentence of twenty years and receives credit for 827 days served in the Kane County jail. ___________________________________________________ When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double- breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me." ___________________________________________________ 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z!" The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request...What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours, you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, who is paid to be my doctor, tells me nothing." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?" asked the Scoutmaster. Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards." "Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster asked. "The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain you until you're rescued." "And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently. "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!' " ___________________________________________________ Somebody is going to be very sorry tonight!` ____________________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,"Thou shall not kill." ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Edith Re: Internert surveillance Dear Webby! I read so much about people getting caught online for anything from tax evasion to child molesting. I don't do any of that, about the worst I do is tell some Dementos off. Does that make me a target? You know how the Dementos twist everything around! Should I be worried and look for a program to protect me? Edith Dear Edith 1) Get Malwarebytes. That keeps all the evildoers out. Then they can't plant any surveillance stuff. 2) Overload the evildoers. Yes, total data overload. Naturally, you don't mention anything about YOUR planned actions. Gush about having heard about your mayor or parliamentarian looking for Napalm and stuff to poison Petunia and Broom Hilda and Pocahuntas. Start a daily column about "Secret News from the Laundromat". Get them all excited and wasting time. Pretty soon they will realize that you are just putting them on, and they will leave you in peace. Keep in mind that the FBI and the CIA are still Obamanov's toadies. Because they are bullshitters, they are easy to bullshit. Just turn the tables and bullshit THEM. Lay it on thick! When you start your "Secret News from the Laundromat" tell me the URL. I will mention it in the Humor Letter. I bet quite a few people will chime in with all kinds of juicy gossip. Just have fun and don't worry. You saw how much joking I do about Petunia and Broom Hilda and Pocahuntas. No problem at all, but Trump once sent me a brand new MAGA cap. Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you," The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!?!" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" _____________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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________________________________________________ I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. _______________________________________________ After living in the remote wilderness of Texas all his life, Sam decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered that Anni, his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Anni began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after Sam left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, Anni fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with." _______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 1, in 0096, Vespasian, a Roman Army leader, was hailed as a Roman Emperor by the Egyptian legions. 1543, England and Scotland signed the peace of Greenwich. 1596, An English fleet under the Earl of Essex, Lord Howard of Effingham and Francis Vere captured and sacked Cadiz, Spain. 1690, The French defeated the forces of the Grand Alliance at Fleurus in the Netherlands. 1798, Napoleon Bonaparte took Alexandria, Egypt. 1845, Uniform postal rates went into effect throughout the United States. The Act of Congress was passed on March 3, 1845. 1847, In New York City, the U.S. Post Office issued its first adhesive stamps. The two stamps available were a 5- cent Benjamin Franklin and a 10-cent George Washington. 1862, The U.S. Congress established the Bureau of Internal Revenue. 1863, During the U.S. Civil War, the first day's fighting at Gettysburg began. 1867, Canada became an independent dominion. 1874, The Philadelphia Zoological Society zoo opened as the first zoo in the United States. 1876, Montenegro declared war on the Turks. 1893, The first bicycle race track in America to be made out of wood was opened in San Francisco, CA. 1898, During the Spanish-American War, Theodore Roosevelt and his "Rough Riders" waged a victorious assault on San Juan Hill in Cuba. 1905, The USDA Forest Service was created within the Department of Agriculture. The agency was given the mission to sustain healthy, diverse, and productive forests and grasslands for present and future generations. 1909, Thomas Edison began commercially manufacturing his new "A" type alkaline storage batteries. 1916, The massive Allied offensive known as the Battle of the Somme began in France. The battle was the first to use tanks. 1934, The Federal Communications Commission replaced the Federal Radio Commission as the regulator of broadcasting in the United States. 1940, In Washington, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge was opened to traffic. The bridge collapsed during a wind storm on November 7, 1940. 1941, Bulova Watch Company sponsored the first TV commercial in New York City, NY. 1942, German troops captured Sevestopol, Crimea, in the Soviet Union. 1943, The U.S. Government began automatically withholding federal income tax from paychecks. 1945, New York established the New York State Commission Against Discrimination to prevent discrimination in employment because of race, creed or natural origin. It was the first such agency in the U.S. 1946, The U.S. exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific Ocean. 1948, The price of a subway ride in New York City was increased from 5 cents to 10. 1950, American ground troops arrived in South Korea to stem the tide of the advancing North Korean army. 1960, Somalia gained its independence from Britain through the unification of Somaliland with Italian Somalia. 1961, British troops landed in Kuwait to aid against Iraqi threats. 1961, The first community air-raid shelter was built. The shelter in Boise, ID had a capacity of 1,000 people and family memberships sold for $100. 1963, The U.S. postmaster introduced the five-digit ZIP (Zoning Improvement Plan) code. 1966, The Medicare federal insurance program went into effect. 1968, The Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty was signed by 60 countries. It limited the spreading of nuclear material for military purposes. On May 11, 1995, the treaty was extended indefinitely. 1969, Britain's Prince Charles was invested as the Prince of Wales. 1974, Isavel Peron became the president of Argentina upon the death of her husband, Juan. 1979, Susan B. Anthony was commemorated on a U.S. coin, the Susan B. Anthony dollar. 1979, Sony introduced the Walkman. 1980, "O Canada" was proclaimed the national anthem of Canada. 1980, U.S. President Jimmy Carter signed legislation that provided for 2 acres of land near the Lincoln Memorial for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 1987, John Kevin Hill, at age 11, became the youngest to fly across the U.S. when he landed at National Airport in Washington, DC. 1989, The Montreal Protocol, an international treaty, went into effect. It limited the production of ozone-destroying chemicals. 1991, The Warsaw Pact dissolved. 1994, Yasser Arafat of the Palestinian Liberation Organization visited the Gaza Strip. 1997, The sovereignty over Hong Kong was transferred from Great Britain to China. Britain had controlled Hong Kong as a colony for 156 years. 1999, The U.S. Justice Department released new regulations that granted the attorney general sole power to appoint and oversee special counsels. The 1978 independent-counsel statute expired on June 30. 2003, In Hong Kong, thousands of protesters marched to show their opposition to anti-subversion legislation. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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