Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, December 23 Thank you, Don !! Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Often deported Mexican caught with $1 Million worth of dope Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, December 22 in 1775 A Continental naval fleet was organized in the rebellious American colonies under the command of Ezek Hopkins. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. --- Nancy Reagan ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother. "How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply. "Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother. "You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock. "By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?" "Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down." _____________________________________________________ One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..." After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ So much for Algorian Warming! ____________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Miguel Angel Garcia-Jimenez, 45, Landisville, Pennsylvania Often deported Mexican caught with $1 Million worth of dope A Lancaster County Drug Task Force investigation ended in the seizure of 180 pounds of marijuana from a Landisville home with a street value of $1 million, or more, in what officials call one of the largest marijuana seizures in county history, December 21, 2017. photos provided by Lancaster County District Attorney office Miguel Angel Garcia-Jimenez, 45, is charged with felony drug-dealing in the Lancaster County Drug Task Force investigation which resulted in a seizure on December 14. Garcia-Jimenez is a Mexican national who has been deported from the United States multiple times. He is being held on a federal detainer, obtained by ICE. A Lancaster County Drug Task Force investigation ended in the seizure of 180 pounds of marijuana from a Landisville home with a street value of $1 million, or more, in what officials call one of the largest marijuana seizures in county history, December 21, 2017. Since Landisville is not a Sanctuary town, Miguel Angel Garcia-Jimenez might get jail time instead of a free ticket back to Mexico to get more import goods. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Allan Re: How to save bookmarks in IE Dear Webby, You wrote about it before, but I did not save that tip. How do you save the bookmarks in IE ? Thanks Allan Dear Allan I have not had IE on my computer for a dozen years, or more, so I looked this up on old Humor Letters. ALT FINE Hold down the ALT key, hit F I N E and hit Enter a bunch of times. You can even specify the file name that will have the bookmarks in it, for example C:\bookmarks171222.html Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it. JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that! GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C\ ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? TRUMP: Many chickens threaten to leave, unfortunately, none of them have the guts to actually leave. ============ I don`t pay attention to the war of Trump vs the communist media, but if you do, maybe you can send me some updates to that collection. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible,"he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet" the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog."HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh!! NO!! He's Pentecostal!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Doilies to Accent Gift Wrap By HellofromMhay [73 Posts, 27 Comments] I love using paper doilies to accent gifts. It adds an elegant touch and is inexpensive. In this case I attached doilies on a plain pink birthday card and gift bag (for a little friend) with a glue stick. Then I decorated them with glitter alphabet and strawberry stickers. (I bought the paper doilies at Michaels.) Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com font> You can also use a paper doily as a mask for spray painting. Attach the doily with removable glue stick to a shopping bag, and spray paint it with one or more colors. When the paint is dry, remove the doily and use it on the next bag. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So why is the groom wearing black?" | | 12 88 Piano Keys Control 500,000 Christmas Lights! |
From Ed in Illinois Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, December 23, in 1788 Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the seat of the national government. About two-thirds of the area became the District of Columbia. 1823 The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Clement C. Moore (" 'Twas the night before Christmas...") was published. 1834 English architect Joseph Hansom patented his 'safety cab', better known as the Hansom cab. 1852 The Theatre of Celestial John opened on Telegraph Hill in San Francisco, CA. It was the first Chinese theatre in the U.S. 1856 Ralph Collier was issued a U.S. patent for the first rotary egg beater with rotating parts. 1880 Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Electric Light Company of Europe. 1888 Following a quarrel with Paul Gauguin, Dutch painter Vincent Van Gogh cut off part of his own earlobe. 1893 The Engelbert Humperdinck opera "Hansel und Gretel" was first performed, in Weimar, Germany. 1919 The first ship designed to be used as an ambulance for the transport patients was launched. The hospital ship was named USS Relief and had 515 beds. 1922 The British Broadcasting Corporation began daily news broadcasts. 1930 Ruth Elizabeth Davis, an unknown actress, arrived in Hollywood, under contract to Universal Studios. Universal changed her name to Bette Davis for the movies. 1941 During World War II, American forces on Wake Island surrendered to the Japanese. 1942 Bob Hope agreed to entertain U.S. airmen in Alaska. It was the first of the traditional Christmas shows. 1943 "Hansel and Gretel," the opera, was televised on New York's WRBG. It was the first complete opera to be televised. 1947 John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain and William Shockley invented the transistor. 1948 Former Japanese premier Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed in Tokyo. They had been found guilty of crimes against humanity. 1951 A National Football League (NFL) championship game was televised nationally for the first time. The Los Angeles Rams beat the Cleveland Browns 24-17. The DuMont Network had paid $75,000 for the rights to the game. 1953 Soviet secret police chief Lavrenti Beria and six of his associates were shot for treason following a secret trial. 1954 The Walt Disney movie "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" was released. 1965 A 70-mph speed limit was introduced in Britain. 1968 The crew of the U.S. Navy ship, Pueblo, was released by North Korea. The Captain of the Pueblo, Commander Lloyd M. Bucher, and 82 of his crew were held for 11 months after the ship was seized by North Korea because of suspected spying by the Americans. 1970 In New York, the topping out ceremony for original One World Trade Center (North Tower) took place. The South Tower's ceremony took place on July 19, 1971. 1981 NASA approved a plan to continue the Voyager II spacecraft on a trajectory that would take it within 66,000 miles of Uranus on July 24, 1986. 1986 The experimental airplane Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling as it landed safely at Edwards Air Force Base in California. 1987 Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, serving a life sentence for the attempted assassination of U.S. President Ford in 1975, escaped from the Alderson Federal Prison for Women in West Virginia. She was recaptured two days later. 1989 Ousted Romanian President Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife, Elena, were captured as they were attempting to flee their country. 1990 Elections in Yugoslavia ended, leaving four of its six republics with non-Communist governments. 1995 A fire in Dabwali, India, killed 540 people, including 170 children, during a year-end party being held near the children's school. 1995 The bodies of 16 members of the Solar Temple religious sect were found in a clearing near Grenoble, France. 14 were presumed shot by two people who then committed suicide. 1997 Terry Nichols was convicted by a Denver jury on charges of conspiracy and involuntary manslaughter in the 1995 federal building bombing in Oklahoma City. The bomb killed 168 people. 1998 Guerrillas in south Lebanon fired dozens of rockets at northern Israel. 2017 Do smiled. |
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