Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, July 23 ___________________________________________________ Today, July 23 in 1914 Austria-Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia following the killing of Archduke Francis Ferdinand and his wife by a Serb assassin. England used that to start World War I. It wasn't really any of their business, but England needed a war to fix their economy. They would have lost, but then they got America to help them. _____________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Queen Of Crime gets 1000 days ______________________________________________________ I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) _____________________________________________________ Basic Guide To Aussie Life.... 1.The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2.The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3.Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4.If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5.There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6.On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7.Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8.All our best heroes are losers. 9.The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10.It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11.A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. 12.It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 13.Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. 14.The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes. 15.If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 16.The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 17.It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. 18.The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 19.If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it). 20.If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 21.The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 22.Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back- yards are for. 23.The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 24.On picnics, the Eskyis always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind. _____________________________________________________ WhiteTail deer going boing boing boing on the Canola I just love watching them bounce across a field. The earth is their trampoline! ___________________________________________________ The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Claire Wilson, 46, Cleethropes, England Queen Of Crime gets 1000 days A woman nicknamed Grimsbys Queen of Crime has been jailed once again after securing her 337th conviction. Claire Wilson, 46, pleaded guilty to burglary and theft after stealing a wallet from inside a house on Grimsby Road, Cleethropes, at 5.30am on February 2, the court heard. She had been under the influence of drink or drugs and became increasingly aggressive when asked to leave, prosecutors said. She then went to Catergate News convenience store at 7.30am where she stole a sandwich, the court heard. The shopkeeper became suspicious after noticing she had four bank cards and told her the card machine was not working. Charges against Wilson had been due to go to trial before she changed to a guilty plea ahead of a jury being sworn in. Another charge of racially aggravated threatening behaviour, which she denied, was dropped. Wilson now has 337 convictions to her name. The number includes more than 200 convictions for theft or dishonesty, about 11 for burglary, and one robbery offence in 2001. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Mary W RE: Water, juice or what? Dear Webby, OK, Smart-Ass, who knows it all! What is the best way to quench thirt? Water, coffee, tea, juice, beer or wine? Mary W Dear Mary Thirst is actually not so much a lack of fluids, but a lack of salts and minerals. You can have an awful thirst while drifting in the ocean. Beer seems to be most effective. Cheap, non-alcoholic beer works quite well. Have FUN! 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_____________________________________________ The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit. _____________________________________________ More stuff you didn't need to know...but now you know it! Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A snail can sleep for three years. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY! The electric chair was invented by a dentist. All polar bears are left handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23- 33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow. ____________________________________________ I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked moron. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. That was my ex's car now. I had walked to the store. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today July 23 in 1715 The first lighthouse in America was authorized for construction at Little Brewster Island, Massachusetts. 1827 The first swimming school in the U.S. opened in Boston, MA. 1829 William Burt patented the typographer, which was the first typewriter. 1877 The first municipal railroad passenger service began in Cincinnati, Ohio. 1886 Steve Brodie, a New York saloonkeeper, claimed to have made a daredevil plunge from the Brooklyn Bridge into the East River. 1904 The ice cream cone was invented by Charles E. Menches during the Louisiana Purchase Exposition in St. Louis, MO. 1914 Austria-Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia following the killing of Archduke Francis Ferdinand and his wife by a Serb assassin. England used that to start World War I. It wasn't really any of their business, but England needed a war to fix their economy. 1938 The first federal game preserve was approved by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. The area was 2,000 acres in Utah. 1945 The first passenger train observation car was placed in service by the Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroad. 1952 Egyptian military officers led by Gamal Abdel Nasser overthrew King Farouk I. 1954 A law was passed that stated "The Secretary of the Navy is authorized to repair, equip, and restore the United States Ship Constitution, as far as may be practicable, to her original appearance, but not for active service, and thereafter to maintain the United States Ship Constitution at Boston, Massachusetts." 1958 The submarine Nautilus departed from Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, under orders to conduct "Operation Sunshine." The mission was to be the first vessel to cross the north pole by ship. The Nautils achieved the goal on August 3, 1958. 1962 The "Telstar" communications satellite sent the first live TV broadcast to Europe. 1972 Eddie Merckx of Belgium won his fourth consecutive Tour de France bicycling competition. 1972 The U.S. launched Landsat 1 (ERTS-1). It was the first Earth-resources satellite. 1984 Miss America, Vanessa Williams, turned in her crown after it had been discovered that nude photos of her had appeared in "Penthouse" magazine. She was the first to resign the title. 1985 Commodore unveiled the personal computer Amiga 1000. 1986 Britain's Prince Andrew married Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey in London. They divorced in 1996. 1998 U.S. scientists at the University of Hawaii turned out more than 50 "carbon-copy" mice, with a cloning technique. 2000 Lance Armstrong won his second Tour de France. 2020 Do smiled. |
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