Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, December 19 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man arrested after flying into Florida with 24 pounds of marijuana ____________________________________________________ Today, December 19, in 1996 The school board of Oakland, CA, voted to recognize Black English, also known as "ebonics." The board later reversed its stance. ____________________________________________________ In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. --- Mogens Jallberg When I'm having "I" problems, my wife tells me, it's time to see an optimist. --- Joe Ponkey ____________________________________________________ The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds: "According to Zen, change must come from within." ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ George and Nancy get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, he finally decided he'd had enough and advised her that he would no longer drive with her in the car. Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring, just as he was merging onto a freeway. It was Nancy. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind George. "Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain...." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jelani Shomari Reid, 33, Lehigh Acres, Florida, USA Man arrested after flying into Florida with 24 pounds of marijuana A Lehigh Acres man was arrested after attempting to fly into Southwest Florida International Airport with more than 24 pounds of marijuana. Jelani Shomari Reid, 33, was arrested on Monday by the Lee County Port Authority. According to an arrest report, the Port Authority was contacted by the Sacramento County Sheriffs Office because the marijuana was discovered in California where it is legal. A deputy with the Sacramento officials provided pictures of the checked bag, the marijuana and the suspect. When the flight landed, authorities used a K9 to smell the suspected marijuana. They waited for Reid to pick up the bag, but when he noticed he was being followed he attempted to leave the bag on the conveyor belt. During an interview, Reid admitted he was transporting the marijuana as a favor for someone. Reid faces a charge of possession of marijuana with intent to sell, manufacture or deliver. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Roseanne Re: Learning Spreadsheets Dear Webby Spreadsheets have always impressed me, but I have never seen any affordable courses or instructions. What would you recommend for me? Roseanne Dear Roseanne Simply sit on my lap and ... OK, if your hubby won't allow that, then download and install Libre Office. It includes CALC. That is the equivalent of Quattro or Excel. Next start playing with it. The columns are labeled with letters, A to ZZ The rows are labeled from the top down 1 to som ridiculously high number. Start putting column header titles in, like Date, Time, Glucose, Apidra, Tresiba, Food Next click on the top cell in the A column (Date) That selects all the cells in that column. Click on FORMAT on top, CELLS, DATE select a suitable date format Put the cursor into A 2 hit CTRL ; That puts the date into that cell, in the format you have chosen. Go to B 2 , your TIME column Hit CTRL SHIFT ; That enters the time in the format you have selected In the other columns enter the gluccose readings and insulin amounts. Like that, fill it out whenever you have data. Play with that! You will see, it is only maaaagic for people,who have never tried it. For you it is an incredibly flexible toy. Just play with it. All cells are related. If you write a number into C 209 and make up a formula in E 212, like =+C209*25 and hit ENTER, then E 212 will do the calculation and show the result If you enter =+C209 * pi() then it will multiply the number from C209 times Pi. Like that, anything your math teacher had done to confuse you, you can do instantly. Just play with it! As you get comfortable, you will find all kinds of neat tricks. NOBODY will teach you all there is about spreadsheets. That would take 22.8 lifetimes. However, if you ask a real question, like what is the shorthand trick for the current time, they will gladly tell you that is CTRL ; Just play, and when you have a question, ask! There is also excellent help built in. Have FUN! DearWebby There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?" God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he brag to?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company. ______________________________________________ Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "OK, I'll tell him." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A party-goer decided it would be best to walk home. He found a shortcut through a poorly lit cemetery and, in the darkness, stumbled into an open grave. He tried to climb out but the walls were too slippery. Again and again he fell back into the grave. Finally, in exhaustion, he settled in a corner to wait for sunlight. A few minutes later another man cutting through the cemetery fell into the same grave. He, too, tried desperately to climb and claw his way out, and he was equally unsuccessful. As he was about to give up in hopeless resignation, he heard a voice from the darkness of his pit: "You'll never get out of here." - He did! ___________________________________________________ | Today, December 19, in 1154 Henry II became King of England. 1562 The Battle of Dreux was fought between the Huguenots and the Catholics, beginning the French Wars of Religion. 1732 Benjamin Franklin began publishing "Poor Richard's Almanac." 1776 Thomas Paine published his first "American Crisis" essay. 1777 General George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA, to camp for the winter. 1842 Hawaii's independence was recognized by the U.S. 1843 Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" was first published in England. 1871 Corrugated paper was patented by Albert L. Jones. 1887 Jake Kilrain and Jim Smith fought in a bare knuckles fight which lasted 106 rounds and 2 hours and 30 minutes. The fight was ruled a draw and was halted due to darkness. 1903 The Williamsburg Bridge opened in New York City. It opened as the largest suspension bridge on Earth and remained the largest until 1924. It was also the first major suspension bridge to use steel towers to support the main cable. 1907 A coalmine explosion in Jacobs Creek, PA, killed 239 workers. 1917 The first games of the new National Hockey League (NHL) were played. Five teams made up the league: Toronto Arenas, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, the Montreal Canadiens and the Montreal Wanderers. 1918 Robert Ripley began his "Believe It or Not" column in "The New York Globe". 1932 The British Broadcasting Corp. began transmitting overseas with its "Empire Service" to Australia. 1957 Meredith Wilson's "The Music Man" opened at the Majestic Theatre in New York City. It ran for 1,375 shows. 1957 Air service between London and Moscow was inaugurated. 1959 Walter Williams died in Houston, TX, at the age of 117. He was said to be the last surviving veteran of the U.S. Civil War. 1961 "Judgment At Nuremberg" opened in New York City. 1972 Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1973 Johnny Carson started a fake toilet-paper scare on the "Tonight Show." 1978 Indira Gandhi was expelled from the Lok Sabha for contempt and imprisoned. 1984 Wayne Gretzky, 23, of the Edmonton Oilers, became only the 18th player in the National Hockey League (NHL) to score more than 1,000 points. 1984 Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1986 The Soviet Union announced it had freed dissident Andrei Sakharov from internal exile, and pardoned his wife, Yelena Bonner. 1989 U.S. troops invaded Panama to overthrow the regime of General Noriega. 1996 The school board of Oakland, CA, voted to recognize Black English, also known as "ebonics." The board later reversed its stance. 1997 "Titanic" opened in American movie theaters. 1998 U.S. President Bill Clinton was impeached on two charges of perjury and obstruction of justice by the U.S. House of Representatives. 1998 A four-day bombing of Iraq by British and American forces ended. 2000 The U.N. Security Council voted to impose sanctions on Afghanistan's Taliban rulers unless they closed all terrorist training camps and surrender U.S. embassy bombing suspect Osama bin Laden. 2003 Images for the new design for the Freedom Tower at the World Trade Center site were released. The building slopes into a spire that reaches 1,776 feet. 2008 U.S. President George W. Bush signed a $17.4 billion rescue package of loans for ailing auto makers General Motors and Chrysler. 2021 Do smiled. |
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