Good Morning, Do, Today is Friday, December 23 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! For believers in Walmartism and Shoppianity, only 1 day of shopping left! Rudolphians, you have 2 days of saving money till Boxing Day! Christians, it's 1 day till Christmas. Jews, you have 1 day until Hanukkah. Last weekend I lost my computer due to a Windiows update. It took me till now to resurrect the business from the external drive onto a klunker I had sitting in the corner. Things are still rough, very rough. Have FUN! DearWebby Todays Bonehead Award: Colorado drunk woman leaves baby in car overnight during snowstorm. Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, December 23 in 1947 John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain and William Shockley invented the transistor. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. --- Woody Allen (1935 - ) The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things. --- Socratex People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. --- A. J. Liebling ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ It's time for the good old Irish Fruitcake Recipe If you are looking for some already baked and quite presentable fruitcake, go to to Assumption Abbey Subscriber Frank goes there every year and tells them to send one of their fantastic fruitcakes to me. ______________________________________________________ >From SSS People say circumcision does NOT hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year! I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitchesbut, when you're over seventywho cares? Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah She's purty good lookin." When youâre over seventywho cares? I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." Cost me a fat lip, but Whhen you're over seventy, who cares? I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really?", she said ",Go on then try". After about thirty seconds of fondling and squeezing she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the groin, but When you're over seventywho who cares? I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Cost me a bloody nose, but When you're over seventy who cares? I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but When you're over seventy. who careswho cares? ______________________________________________________ On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?" ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Nicole Alexandria Carmon, 26, Denver, Colorado Colorado drunk woman leaves baby in car overnight during snowstorm. Prosecutors filed a felony child abuse charge Wednesday against a Colorado woman accused of leaving her 2-year-old son alone in a car overnight during a snowstorm when the temperature reached minus 8 degrees. The child was hospitalized with frostbitten feet and hypothermia after he was found Saturday inside the car in the Denver suburb of Thornton. Prosecutors say police rescued the boy after his mother, 26-year-old Nicole Alexandria Carmon, reported Saturday morning that she had left him in a car the previous night but couldn't remember where. Carmon is represented by a public defender. The public defender's office didn't immediately return a phone message Wednesday. Police began an urgent search for the boy after a woman who sometimes babysat for Carmon reported that Carmon didn't know where the boy was, according to a police arrest affidavit. The baby-sitter said Carmon had come to her house Saturday looking for the boy, the affidavit said. Relying on information from Carmon and surveillance video from a gas station, police found her car in a parking lot outside a restaurant, covered by up to six inches of snow, the affidavit said. They found the toddler partially buckled into a car seat. Carmon told police she had drunk six shots of vodka Friday night and remembered parking her car near a restaurant, walking to a gas station and then getting a ride home, the affidavit said. Carmon is being held in lieu of $50,000 bond. Her next court appearance is Jan. 13. She faces 10 to 32 years in prison if convicted. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Ron Re: Clean up the computer Dear Webby, Hi Webby I hope the shots are helping I also have macular degeneration I get shots of Avastin about every six weeks. I do need some help with my pc with Windows XP. It's cpu is running at 100% and that makes it so slow. When I go to Task Manager and look at processes it is two pages long. Is there a list to tell me what the name and importance of all the abbreviations are? I did go to msconfig and looked at startup items and what is running and stopped some that I can figure out but that did not help at all, at one time I had a link to the meanings and importance of all the startup items but I cannot find it do you know where I can find those again? I do not want to give up my old XP machine it still runs great but slow. I know you may have some tips to help and again thanks for all your tips and help since 1998, Ron Dear Ron I got Macular EDEMA, the opposite of degeneration. Degeneration is potholes in the macular, the hemi-global surface, on which the retina sits. The retina is like the part in a digital camera, that translates the light into electricity. When the retina is on an uneven surface, it would be the same as when the chip in the camera was warped, or if a film projector screen was buckled and warped. Edema is the opposite. No potholes, but "dead cops", speed bumps. The effect is the same. Warped vision. I too volunteered for a year of Avastin. It didn't do any good, just delayed proper treatment with Lucentis. The Ophthalmologist gets the Avastin free and just charges $150 for injecting it. Unless you are one of the few people, who actually get positive results from Avastin, ask your Ophthalmologist to inject Lucentis. He will probably howl about the cost, because that stuff he has to pay for. It is approved in Canada and the US, and most European countries, and Medicare pays for it, whereas Avastin is just free sample stuff, and he gets paid for testing it. OK, re your XP: Use the tools in CrapCleaner. Same with Spambot-Search&Destroy. They will give you all kinds of valuable information. Of course, before doing any of that, run Malwarebytes Also, go to http://www.shouldiremoveit.com/ That program will tell you what accumulated clutter is just useless clutter, and what is OK to keep. Like most of us, you have probably tried and sampled all kinds of stuff in the last 20 odd years, and much of it probably never looked at it since the day you installed it. Another handy program is the Revo Uninstaller. Revo Uninstaller Pro Have FUN! DearWebby A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again..?" ------- Yeah, I remember that train. It had little porches at each end of the wagons and signs posted: "Picking flowers while the train is in motion is not permitted." Seems the locomotive engineer got annoyed when the flower pickers passed the train. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make and Freeze Pie Filling Buy apples in quantity when they are on sale. Cut them up and mix with your favorite apple pie recipe. Freeze them in ziplock bags in pie size portions. When you want a pie just dump the bag into a pie shell and bake! ____________________________________________________ One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver." ____________________________________________________ | | I would love to go fishing here, it's so serene. |
My infant son and I sat in front of the tv, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. "Honey! Change the channel," I said, shielding our son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this." "It's okay," my husband replied.... "He probably thinks it's the Food Network." Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today on December 23 1788 Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the seat of the national government. About two-thirds of the area became the District of Columbia. 1823 The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Clement C. Moore (" 'Twas the night before Christmas...") was published. 1834 English architect Joseph Hansom patented his 'safety cab', better known as the Hansom cab. 1856 Ralph Collier was issued a U.S. patent for the first rotary egg beater with rotating parts. 1888 Following a quarrel with Paul Gauguin, Dutch painter Vincent Van Gogh cut off part of his own earlobe. 1893 The Engelbert Humperdinck opera "Hansel und Gretel" was first performed, in Weimar, Germany. 1913 The Federal Reserve Bill was signed into law by U.S. President Woodrow Wilson. The act established 12 Federal Reserve Banks. 1919 The first ship designed to be used as an ambulance for the transport of patients was launched. The hospital ship was named USS Relief and had 515 beds. 1930 Ruth Elizabeth Davis, an unknown actress, arrived in Hollywood, under contract to Universal Studios. Universal changed her name to Bette Davis for the movies. 1941 During World War II, American forces on Wake Island surrendered to the Japanese. 1942 Bob Hope agreed to entertain U.S. airmen in Alaska. It was the first of the traditional Christmas shows. 1943 "Hansel and Gretel," the opera, was televised on New York's WRBG. It was the first complete opera to be televised. 1947 John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain and William Shockley invented the transistor. 1948 Former Japanese premier Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed in Tokyo. They had been found guilty of crimes against humanity. 1951 A National Football League (NFL) championship game was televised nationally for the first time. The Los Angeles Rams beat the Cleveland Browns 24-17. The DuMont Network had paid $75,000 for the rights to the game. 1953 Soviet secret police chief Lavrenti Beria and six of his associates were shot for treason following a secret trial. 1954 The Walt Disney movie "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" was released. 1965 A 70-mph speed limit was introduced in Britain. 1968 The crew of the U.S. Navy ship, Pueblo, was released by North Korea. The Captain of the Pueblo, Commander Lloyd M. Bucher, and 82 of his crew were held for 11 months after the ship was seized by North Korea because of suspected spying by the Americans. 1970 In New York, the topping out ceremony for original One World Trade Center (North Tower) took place. The South Tower's ceremony took place on July 19, 1971. 1981 NASA approved a plan to continue the Voyager II spacecraft on a trajectory that would take it within 66,000 miles of Uranus on July 24, 1986. 1986 The experimental airplane Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling as it landed safely at Edwards Air Force Base in California. 1987 Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, serving a life sentence for the attempted assassination of U.S. President Ford in 1975, escaped from the Alderson Federal Prison for Women in West Virginia. She was recaptured two days later. 1989 Ousted Romanian President Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife, Elena, were captured as they were attempting to flee their country. 1990 Elections in Yugoslavia ended, leaving four of its six republics with non-Communist governments. 1995 A fire in Dabwali, India, killed 540 people, including 170 children, during a year-end party being held near the children's school. 1995 The bodies of 16 members of the Solar Temple religious sect were found in a clearing near Grenoble, France. 14 were presumed shot by two people who then committed suicide. 1997 Terry Nichols was convicted by a Denver jury on charges of conspiracy and involuntary manslaughter in the 1995 federal building bombing in Oklahoma City. The bomb killed 168 people. 1998 Guerrillas in south Lebanon fired dozens of rockets at northern Israel. 2016 Do smiled. |
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