Good Morning, Do, Today is Sunday, May 6 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: NJ schools superintandent caught pooping onto the school track Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 6 in 1527 German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the end of the Renaissance. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592) Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Carl and a Dave are playing golf. They decide to play for $5 a hole. On the third hole, the Dave hits his ball into the rough. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," Dave says to Carl. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, Dave pulls out another ball and drops it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. Carl looks at him, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "Cheat?! I found my ball right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Carl says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Aniva Sakhalin, Russia _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A lady's husband dies. She heads to the funeral home to make arrangements. She's emphatic that the arrangements must be done with elegance, and attention to detail. "For example," she tells the funeral director, "I want no wooden chairs. Only padded ones. All the comforts possible to be extended to the mourners. Have the air conditioning set to a perfect 72 degrees. The flowers should be beautiful, yet not overpowering in their scent." The funeral director takes it all down. The day of the funeral the widow is examining the viewing room. She notices that the funeral director has not yet turned on the air conditioner. She orders the director to turn it on so that when the viewing starts, the room will be a perfect temperature. As soon as the air conditioner is on, though, she notices her deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in the breeze caused by the air conditioner. "This won't do!" She orders the director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she'll just wait in the outer office for ten minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 600 seconds. Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place. A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem. She calls to inquire as to why. She's told that it was "on the house." "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a price!" "Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees. He holds the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie, how much did that nail cost to put that toupee in place last month?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Thomas Tramaglini, 42, Matawan, New Jersey Superintendent Charged With Pooping On Holmdel Track All the Holmdel High track team wanted to know was who was pooping either on or near the track and football field on a near-daily basis. Who has been relieving themselves on an almost daily basis on the Holmdel High School athletic fields? It turns out it was the superintendent of the Kenilworth school district, Thomas Tramaglini, allege Holmdel police. All the Holmdel High School track team wanted to know was who was pooping either on or near the track and football field. Students and coaches said they would find human feces on an almost daily basis. The Holmdel school resource officer was alerted to the problem, and started quietly monitoring the area every morning. "I don't know if it was daily, but it's been going on for a while. I heard it was at least eight times in the past few months," said someone within the Holmdel community, who wanted to stay anonymous. Tramaglini, 42, a Matawan resident, with a carefully trimmed masculinity prothesis (teen ager's wanna-be beard) was arrested and charged with the bizarre crime. He was charged with lewdness, littering and defecating in public. According to NJ.com he was arrested at 5:50 a.m. this past Monday, April 30. His home is only a few miles away from the high school. Tramaglini is the superintendent of the Kenilworth school district, and also lectures part time at Rutgers, in their graduate-level education classes. After his arrest, he requested he take a paid leave of absence from his $147,504-a-year job. Kenilworth schools announced the news on their Facebook page late Wednesday night. "Earlier today, we learned of municipal court charges facing our current superintendent of schools in Holmdel, NJ," read the somber statement. "Given the nature of those charges, he asked for and was granted a paid leave of absence." Before he was hired to oversee Kenilworth's schools, Tramaglini was the PreK-12 Chief Academic Officer of the Keansburg School District. He is also a part-time lecturer at the Rutgers University Graduate School of Education. He started out as a middle school and high school teacher. According to state law, a leave can only be unpaid if the superintendent is indicted, or faced with tenured charges. Brian Luciani, Kenilworth's director of academics, has been named as the acting superintendent of schools. Tramaglini was due in Holmdel municipal court Monday morning, May 7 to answer to the charges, but that date has been pushed back and rescheduled, police told Patch. His case has been rescheduled to May 30 at 10:00 a.m. In the meantime, he gets full pay. Tech Support Pits From: Renee Re: Google-Earth placemarks Dear Webby, I have Google-Earth placemarks, those .kmz files, but when I send them to people, they can't do anythingwith them. What am I doing wrong? Renee Dear Renee Just the placemark alone does not give them a link to install Google-Earth. Open the program, go to the place that you want to share, rightclick on your placemark and select email. That opens a mail and you can type in the addresses of your friends. They will then get an email that will open Google-Earth, if they have it, and fly to the placemark, or it will help them download and install it. Have FUN DearWebby Thanks to Kati for this story: Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .....very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Thanks to Marina for this story: A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?" "No I haven't. What's the problem?" "The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!" "Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks. "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Nylon Stocking For Soap Keep bath soap in an old panty hose leg in the bathtub. You can use the soap and then hang it up after use for drying, so it doesn't get mushy. You can also use this tip in the garden. Hang it from your outdoor water faucet and you can wash after you are done gardening. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Harold answered." "Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes." | If you find your self in Paris this Chateau de Groussay would be awesome to visit. |
___________________________________________________ Thanks to SeaBaby for this story: A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth." She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch member of the other party, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to avoid sharing what he had accumulated. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to my party." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, May 6 in 1527 German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the end of the Renaissance. 1529 Babur defeated the Afghan Chiefs in the Battle of Ghagra, India. 1576 The peace treaty of Chastenoy ended the fifth war of religion. 1682 King Louis XIV moved his court to Versailles, France. 1840 The first adhesive postage stamps went on sale in Great Britain. 1851 The mechanical refrigerator was patented by Dr. John Gorrie. 1851 Linus Yale patented the clock-type lock. 1877 Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to U.S. troops in Nebraska. 1882 The U.S. Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act. The act barred Chinese immigrants from the U.S. for 10 years. 1889 The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, France, marking the dedication of the Eiffel Tower. Also at the exposition was the first automobile in Paris, the Mercedes-Benz. 1910 Kind Edward VII of England died. He was succeeded by his second son, George V. 1937 The German airship Hindenburg crashed and burned in Lakehurst, NJ. Thirty-six people (of the 97 on board) were killed. The US had refused to sell Helium to Hitler's Germany and forced them to use Hydrogen. Lightning or a flare set it on fire. That ended the airship vs airplane competition. 1941 Joseph Stalin assumed the Soviet premiership. 1942 During World War II, the Japanese seized control of the Philippines. About 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor surrendered to the Japanese. 1945 Axis Sally made her final propaganda broadcast to Allied troops. 1946 The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball team to travel by plane. 1957 U.S. Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his book "Profiles in Courage". 1959 The Pablo Picasso painting of a Dutch girl was sold for $154,000 in London. It was the highest price paid (at the time) for a painting by a living artist. 1960 Britain's Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong Jones. They were divorced in 1978. 1960 U.S. President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960. 1962 The first nuclear warhead was fired from the Polaris submarine. 1981 A jury of international architects and sculptors unanimously selected Maya Ying Lin's entry for the design of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 1994 The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the English Channel links England and France. 1994 Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit against U.S. President Clinton. The case alleged that he had sexually harassed her in 1991. 1997 Army Staff Sgt. Delmar G. Simpson was sentenced to 25 years in prison for raping six trainees at Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland. 1997 Four health-care companies agreed to a settlement of $600 million to hemophiliacs who had contracted AIDS from tainted blood between 1978-1985. 1999 A parole board in New York voted to release Amy Fisher. She had been in jail for 7 years for shooting her lover's wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, in the face. 2001 Chandra Levy's parents reported her missing to police in Washington, DC. Levy's body was found on May 22, 2002 in Rock Creek Park. 2002 "Spider-Man" became the first movie to make more than $100 million in its first weekend. 2018 Do smiled. |
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