Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, May 9 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man arrested for stabbing multiple people in Phoenix __________________________________________________ On May 9 in 1904, The Great Western Railway Number 3440 City of Truro became the first railway locomotive to exceed 100 miles per hour. _____________________________________________________ When you come to a fork in the road, take it. --- Yogi Berra (1925 - ) ____________________________________________________ Murphy's Laws On Sex 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 29. Love is a hole in the heart. 30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 32. Do it only with the best. 33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old- fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 34. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 38. Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood. 39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 45. Never say no. 46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 51. Love comes in spurts. 52. The world does not revolve on an axis. 53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 59. "This won't hurt, I promise." 60. Ribbit, Ribbit, Ribbit! ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pin-up model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds! ____________________________________________________ Joan Melvin Black bear treetop dining on fresh poplar buds. May 7, 2022 near Sunwapta Falls, Alberta. ___________________________________________________ Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks IN GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no- no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, are a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession ____________________________________________________ A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic and had to gong him with the fire extinguisher." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Rodrigo Zamora Valenzuela, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Man arrested for stabbing multiple people in Phoenix A suspect is accused of murder after police say he attacked another man and a woman with a knife at a business near downtown Phoenix. Sgt. Andy Williams with Phoenix Police said the incident happened at about 12 p.m. on May 5 near 27th Avenue and Jackson Street when 29-year-old Rodrigo Zamora Valenzuela attacked two people with a knife. One of the victims, 46-year-old Jeffrey Matteson, was taken to a hospital in critical condition where he later died. The second victim, identified only as an adult woman, is now in stable condition. A third person who sustained a minor injury during the alleged attack was treated by paramedics at the scene. Valenzuela was arrested at the scene and booked into jail. He is accused of first-degree murder and attempted first- degree murder. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Dorothea Re: Gmail to Junkmail Dear Webby Hi Webby for some reason just recently your letter is going into my junk mail, Wish I knew why Dorothea Dear Dorothea With Gmail it is safest to just make a filter to safeguard important mail. They keep messing with their rules and it is impossible to keep up with them. By the way, Dorothea, you are not the only one whose Humor Letter was sabotaged by Gmail. It seems, the sniveling ninnies got into a snit because I mentioned a competing browser. Have FUN! 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_____________________________________________ Newfoundland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 passangers plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfoundland search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and the passenger have been released from the Crown & Anchor, where they were successfully resussitated, and are helping with the digging. ______________________________________________ THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 15 and 70 a man is like Canada - strong, but ruled by a dick. ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it." ___________________________________________________ | Today, May 9, in 1429, Joan of Arc defeated the besieging English at Orleans. 1502, Christopher Columbus left Spain for his final trip to the Western Hemisphere. 1671, Thomas "Captain" Blood stole the crown jewels from the Tower of London. 1754, The first newspaper cartoon in America showed a divided snake "Join or die" in "The Pennsylvania Gazette." 1785, Joseph Bramah patented the beer-pump handle. 1825, The Chatham Theatre opened in New York City. It was the first gas-lit theater in America. 1901, In Australia, the Duke of Cornwall and York declared the First Commonwealth Parliament open. 1904, The Great Western Railway Number 3440 City of Truro became the first railway locomotive to exceed 100 miles per hour. 1915, German and French forces fought the Battle of Artois. 1926, Americans Richard Byrd and Floyd Bennett became the first men to fly an airplane over the North Pole. 1930, A starting gate was used to start a Triple Crown race for the first time. 1936, Fascist Italy took Addis Abba and annexed Ethiopia. 1936, The first sheet of postage stamps of more than one variety went on sale in New York City. 1940, Vivien Leigh debuted in America on stage in "Romeo and Juliet" with Lawrence Olivier. 1941, The German submarine U-110 was captured at sea by Britain's Royal navy. 1945, U.S. officials announced that the midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately. 1946, King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy abdicated and was replaced by Umberto. 1955, West Germany joined NATO. 1958, Richard Burton made his network television debut in the presentation of "Wuthering Heights" on CBS-TV. 1960, The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved for sale an oral birth-control pill for the first time. 1962, A laser beam was successfully bounced off Moon for the first time. 1974, The House Judiciary Committee began formal hearings on the Nixon impeachment. 1978, The bullet-riddled body of former Italian Prime Minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in the center of Rome. The Red Brigades had abducted him. 1980, A Liberian freighter hit the Sunshine Skyway Bridge over Tampa Bay in Florida. 35 motorists were killed and a 1,400-foot section of the bridge collapsed. 1987, Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers were married. 1994, Nelson Mandela was chosen to be South Africa's first black president. 1996, In video testimony to a courtroom in Little Rock, AR, U.S. President Clinton insisted that he had nothing to do with a $300,000 loan in the criminal case against his former Whitewater partners. 2002, In Bethlehem, West Bank, a deal was reached that would end the 38-day standoff at the Church of the Nativity. Thirteen suspected militants were to be deported to several different countries. The standoff had begun on April 2, 2002. 2002, In Kaspiisk, Russia, 39 people were killed and at least 130 were injurde when a remote-controlled bomb exploded during a holiday parade. 2002, In Bahrain, people were allowed to vote for representatives for the first time in nearly 30 years. Women were allowed to vote for the first time in the country's history. 2022 Do smiled. |
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