Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, September 18 Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award: English rapist who took his child victim out to a nightclub and plied her with Jagerbombs until 3am, has been jailed for 14 years. ______________________________________________________ Today, September 18 in 1759 The French formally surrendered Quebec to the British. They don't speak English just yet More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men who don't have any. --- Ann Richards ______________________________________________________ A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.... Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!" ------------- Glad I am not playing golf! ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ One of my first duties as an Air Force officer was to set up a field medical-training program at our hospital. I conducted a class in triage -- sorting out battlefield casualties according to the likelihood of survival. We had applied theatrical makeup to several airmen to simulate different wounds. Pointing to one of the "casualties," I said to the group, "This man has severe brain damage. What would you do with him?" Came this reply from the back of the class: "Make him an officer!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college. "This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." "It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by John Phoenix, 30 Leigh, Greater Manchester Britain English rapist who took his child victim out to a nightclub and plied her with Jagerbombs until 3am has been jailed for 14 years. John Phoenix, 30, coaxed the girl, 12, into a 'long, protracted' lesbian kiss (Oral sex) with his girlfriend after taking her drinking. He then took her back to his apartment, where she passed out. She woke up 14 hours later, with no recollection of what had happened. Tests showed that Phoenix had raped her while she lay unconscious. The court heard the girl's ordeal began on September 21 last year after she met Phoenix on Snapchat. After swapping messages over a two week period, she was invited out for an evening at Cafe Stella club in Leigh. Police rescued the victim from Phoenix's flat in Leigh, Greater Manchester following a three day search after her mother reported her missing the first night Phoenix sent a cab to pick her up. During the hunt, officers had made a public appeal for information about the girl's whereabouts and Phoenix spotted a picture of her on social media which confirmed she was 12. He said: 'Is that you?' and she said 'Yes' but he then kept her in his flat whilst he went out with friends. In England doors can be locked from the outside to prevent anybody from exiting, even in an emergency. When arrested he claimed he thought the girl was 17. She has since tried to kill herself. In a statement, the girl's mother said: 'This is every parent's worst nightmare and I feel like I have failed in my parental duties. I felt so angry when he said that he thought she was 17. I am so worried about her, I have even contemplated sleeping by the front door just in case she tries to leave again. 'She is so precious to me and I don't want to hear how she blames herself for what happened and how she wants to die. When I found out what the female did to my daughter as well, I felt sick. I found it hard to comprehend.' The girl said: 'What happened with John Phoenix will change me forever; I thought he was a friend. From: Neil Re: Get Firefox Bookmark Icon back Dear Webby: In the latest version of firefox click on the three bar menu, select options, drag the bookmarks star over to the box on the right hand side of the screen and click done at the bottom of the page. This will add the bookmarks star back where it belongs. Neil Dear Neil Thanks! Have FUN DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Below, are examples of sixth grade research projects. Enjoy! 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinquished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out Tee hee, Brutus. 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest. "But they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death." "What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge. "Nuns with scissors." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Tea Light in Pillar Candles If you like to decorate with large pillar candles, but don't like it when they get short, just let them burn down to the height you like, pour out the extra wax to form a hollow inside of the candle. Slip in a tea light and and your pillar candles will last a long time. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Barry for this story: Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Southern Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' The interview ended at that point. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?" ____________________________________________________ | Today, September 18 in 1759 The French formally surrendered Quebec to the British. They don't speak English just yet 1769 It was reported, by the Boston Gazette, that the first piano had been built in North America. The instrument was named the spinet and was made by John Harris. 1810 Chile declared its independence from Spain. 1830 The "Tom Thumb", the first locomotive built in America, raced a horse on a nine-mile course. The horse won when the locomotive had some mechanical difficulties. 1850 The Fugitive Slave Act was declared by the U.S. Congress. The act allowed slave owners to claim slaves that had escaped into other states. 1851 The first issue of "The New York Times" was published. 1891 Harriet Maxwell Converse became the first white woman to ever be named chief of an Indian tribe. The tribe was the Six Nations Tribe at Towanda Reservation in New York. 1895 Daniel David Palmer gave the first chiropractic adjustment. 1927 Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System made its debut with its network broadcast over 16 radio stations. The name was later changed to CBS. 1940 "You Can't Go Home Again" by Thomas Wolfe was published by Harper and Brothers. 1946 Mound Metalcraft was founded in Mound, MN. On November 23, 1955, the company changed its name to Tonka Toys Incorporated. 1947 The United States Air Force was established as a separate military branch by the National Security Act. 1991 U.S. President George H.W. Bush said that he would send warplanes to escort U.N. helicopters that were searching for hidden Iraqi weapons if it became necessary. 1994 Haiti's military leaders agreed to depart on October 15th. This action averted a U.S.-led invasion to force them out of power. 1997 Ted Turner, U.S. Media magnate, announced that over the next ten years he would give $1 billion to the United Nations. 1998 The FDA approved a once-a-day easier-to-swallow medication for AIDS patients. 2018 Do smiled. |
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