Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, April 10 Thank you, James!!! ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Woman steals car to pick up boyfriend from jail ___________________________________________________ On April 10 in 1998, Negotiators reached a peace accord on governing British ruled Northern Ireland. Britain's direct rule was ended. __________________________________________________ Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. --- Cullen Hightower Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. --- Carl Zwanzig Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions. --- Cullen Hightower "Greater things are believed of those who are absent." --- Publius Cornelius Tacitus Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. --- Laurence J. Peter ____________________________________________________ ===From J.McCain Dear Webby, You wrote: "Animal rights activist (one of those who go around annoying people in order to score points with sheep)" I DO like your definition of those boneheads who can't get people to respect them and now try to impress animals. John. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. MOODS OF A MAN Hungry, Horny (Not necessarily in that order) ____________________________________________________ Cinnabaar Moth ___________________________________________________ The first time I heard the following joke, it was told to me by Danny, a carpet layer, about 25 years ago. Knowing what he smoked, I actually believed him :-)))))) Danny had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He rummaged in his toolbox and found a butt. While he smoked that he surveyed the just finished room and spotted a bump in the carpet in the middle of the room. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his big rubber hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the stairway. Now, if only I could find my gerbil." ____________________________________________________ An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the bloodsoaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single hand grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam and survived." "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "just easy shore duty, huh?" ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Alaina Cole, 21, Grant Parish, Lousiana, USA Woman steals car to pick up boyfriend from jail The things you do for love. A woman in Louisiana stole a vehicle to pick up her boyfriend from jail, according to the Grant Parish Sheriffs Office. Officials say Alaina Cole, 21, admitted to stealing the car and was trying to bond her boyfriend out of the Grant Parish Detention Center. Cole was arrested for illegal possession of stolen stuff. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Walter Re: W10 Gadgets Hi Dear Webby, when I right click on my Windows 10 desktop the 'Gadgets' item is not there. I like the idea of an analog clock and would like to install it on my laptop. Where can I find it? Thanks as always for your never ending help. Be well, live long, prosper, and Carpe Diem, Walter Dear Walter Yes, some liberated Yuppie screwed up the gadgets AGAIN. They are really fanatically frantic about them. Go to 8 Gadgets That will get you a dozen gadgets as if they had not screwed them up. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ One of my first evenings back from a business trip, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the top of the stairway. I told her: "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter." Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ This one is long, but several people have asked for it, so here it is again: REDNECK TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. If you take beer to a job interview, bring some for the interviewer too.. 2. If they are not wearing a game warden's uniform, try to identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Don't use the dead fridges in your front yard for sighting in your guns. They are too close. Use your neighbor's fridges for that. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2) Except at the drive in it's considered fashionable to take the bottle out of the paper bag. 3. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. For table centerpieces stuffed animals are a lot nicer than roadkill.. 2. Do not allow the dog to sit on the table...he should sit on a chair or milk crate like everybody else 3) The chair with the most legs is for visitors. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of beer money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 3) No matter how real a game warden looks on the screen, don't shoot in the movie. It gives the person in front of you a terrible ear ache. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, is a poor choice for a wedding gift, unless it is yours. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using duct tape. Use pantyhose instead. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not shoot any game while traveling in a funeral procession. 7. It's OK to put the beer in the air-conditioned hearse, but it is tacky to strap the coprse on the roof to make more room for more beer. ______________________________________________ In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said: "Never." The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Janet and Jonathan get married and go to the city for their honeymoon. They go into their hotel room for the night and get in bed, and neither of them knows what to do now. They look out the window and see some sailors outside. "I'll bet they can help us!" says the husband, and runs downstairs. A sailor comes up back with him. He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor several feet away from the bed. "Now I want you to watch me carefully, but no matter what I do, do not step out of the circle," says the sailor. The husband is standing in the circle while the sailor proceeds to make wild passionate love to the wife for a few hours. The sailor stands up afterwards and sees that the husband is giggling. "What's so funny?!" asks the sailor. The husband answers, "I stepped out of the circle three times, and you didn't even notice!" The sailor rolls his eyes up, sighs and says: "Looks like you haven't learned yet. I'll have to show you again. But first you are going to buy us all a nice supper!" ___________________________________________________ | Today, April 10, in 1741, Frederick II of Prussia defeated Maria Theresa's forces at Mollwitz and conquered Silesia. 1790, The U.S. patent system was established when U.S. President George Washington signed the Patent Act of 1790 into law. 1809, Austria declared war on France and its forces entered Bavaria. 1814, Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Toulouse by the British and the Spanish. The defeat led to his abdication and exile to Elba. 1825, The first hotel opened in Hawaii. 1849, Walter Hunt patented the safety pin. He sold the rights for $100. 1854, The constitution of the Orange Free State in south Africa was proclaimed. 1862, Union forces began the bombardment of Fort Pulaski in Georgia along the Tybee River. 1865, During the American Civil War, at Appomattox, General Robert E. Lee issued his last order. 1866, The American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) was incorporated. 1902, South African Boers accepted British terms of surrender. 1912, The Titanic set sail from Southampton, England. 1916, The Professional Golfers Association (PGA) held its first championship tournament. 1919, In Mexico, revolutionary leader Emiliano Zapata was killed by government troops. 1922, The Genoa Conference opened. The meeting was used to discuss the reconstruction of Europe after World War I and to permanently destroy Germany. 1925, F. Scott Fitzgerald published "The Great Gatsby" for the first time. 1930, The first synthetic rubber was produced. 1932, Paul von Hindenburg was elected president of Germany with 19 million votes. Adolf Hitler came in second with 13 million votes. 1938, Germany annexed Austria after Austrians had voted in a referundum to merge with Germany. 1941, In World War II, U.S. troops occupied Greenland to prevent Nazi infiltration. 1941, Ford Motor Co. became the last major automaker to recognize the United Auto Workers as the representative for its workers. 1944, Russian troops recaptured Odessa from the Germans. 1945, German Me 262 jet fighters shot down ten U.S. bombers near Berlin. 1953, Warner Bros. released "House of Wax." It was the first 3-D movie to be released by a major Hollywood studio. 1953, Actress Hedy Lamarr became a U.S. citizen. 1959, Japan's Crown Prince Akihito married commoner Michiko Shoda. 1960, The U.S. Senate passed the Civil Rights Bill. 1961, Gary Player of South Africa became the first foreign golfer to win the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta, Georgia. 1963, 129 people died when the nuclear-powered submarine USS Thresher failed to surface off Cape Cod, MA. 1967, The 13-day strike by the American Federation of Radio-TV Artists (AFTRA) came to an end less than two hours before the 39th Academy Awards presentation went on the air. 1968, U.S. President Johnson replaced General Westmoreland with General Creighton Abrams in Vietnam. 1971, The American table tennis team arrived in China. They were the first group of Americans officially allowed into China since the founding of the People Republic in 1949. The team had recieved the surprise invitation while in Japan for the 31st World Table Tennis Championship. 1972, An earthquake in southern Iran killed more than 5,000 people. 1972, The U.S. and the Soviet Union joined with 70 other nations in signing an agreement banning biological warfare. 1973, In Switzerland, 108 people died when a plane crashed while attempting to land at Basel. 1974, Yitzhak Rabin replaced resigning Israeli Prime Minister, Golda Meir. Meir resigned over differences within her Labor Party. 1980, Spain and Britain agreed to reopen the border between Gibraltar and Spain. It had been closed since 1969. 1981, Imprisoned IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands was elected to the British Parliament. 1981, The maiden launch of the space shuttle Columbia was cancelled because of a computer malfunction. 1984, The U.S. Senate condemned the CIA mining of Nicaraguan harbors. 1988, On Wall Street, 48 million shares of Navistar International stock changed hands in a single-block trade. It was the largest transaction ever executed on the New York Stock Exchange. 1990, Three European hostages kidnapped at sea in 1987 by Palestinian extremists were released in Beirut. 1992, A bomb exploded in London's financial district. The bomb, set off by the Irish Republican Army, killed three people and injured 91. 1992, Outside Needles, CA, comedian Sam Kinison was killed when a pickup truck slammed into his car on a desert road between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. 1992, In Los Angeles, financier Charles Keating Jr. was sentenced to nine years in prison for swindling investors when his Lincoln Savings and Loan collapsed. The convictions were later overturned. 1993, South African Communist Party leader Chris Hani was assassinated. 1994, NATO warplanes launched air strikes for the first time on Serb forces that were advancing on the Bosnian Muslim town of Gordazde. The area had been declared a U.N. safe area. 1996, U.S. President Clinton vetoed a bill that would have outlawed a technique used to end pregnancies in their late stages. 1998, Negotiators reached a peace accord on governing British ruled Northern Ireland. Britain's direct rule was ended. 1999, The www.June4.org web site was launched by Chinese dissidents and human rights activists to promote their campaign for democracy in China. 2000, Monitors from the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE) reported irregularities in the voting in Georgia's presidential election on April 9. President Eduard Shevardnadze was reelected to a new five- year term. 2001, The Netherlands legalized mercy killings and assisted suicide for patients with unbearable, terminal illness. 2002, Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke before the U.S. Senate as a representative of the Israeli government. He warned that suicide bombers would spread to the U.S. if Israel was not allowed to finish its military offensive in the West Bank. Netanyaho also cited the goals of dismantling the terror regime and expelling Arafat from the region, ridding the Palestinian territories of terrorist weapons and establishing "physical barriers" to protect Israelis from future Palestinian attacks. 2009, In Fiji, President Josefa Iloilo suspended the nation's Constitution, dismissed all judges and constitutional appointees and assumed all governance in the country. 2022 Do smiled. |
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