Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, December 20 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Are you interested in getting mycheer.com mycheers.com $15 each. You can use them for anything you want. ____________________________________________________ Today, December 20 in 1892 Alexander T. Brown and George Stillman patented the pneumatic tire. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Bonehead set bible on fire inside Walmart _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) _______________________________________________ An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull- strong. * Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain 't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. ________________________________________________` The Moeraki Boulders in New Zealand at sunrise ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Andrew Ells, 27, Bismack, North Dakota Bonehead set bible on fire inside Walmart In a dopey diversionary scheme, a North Dakota man doused a Bible with lighter fluid and ignited the Good Book inside a Walmart, believing that the fiery distraction would allow him to steal merchandise without detection, investigators report. Cops allege that Andrew Ells, 27, set the fire Friday at a Walmart in Bismarck, according to a probable cause affidavit. Wearing a disguise that included a camouflage balaclava, Ells torched the Bible in the Walmart's garden section. The resulting blaze caused no injuries, but a store manager told police that the loss of merchandise due to smoke damage was approximately $300,000. The incident was recorded by store surveillance cameras, and the footage led cops to Ells, who reportedly confessed during police questioning Monday. Seen above, Ells said he had a Bible with him that he had under his disguise, adding that he used lighter fluid and put this on the Bible. Ells, the affidavit states, said his reasoning for igniting the fire, was a distraction so he could steal the items he had in the cart. The affidavit does not detail what Ells sought to steal (or whether he succeeded in boosting the items). Charged with arson, Ells is locked up in lieu of $25,000 bail on the felony count. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with Walmart. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Arthur Re: Fuzzy Zoom Dear Webby, My digital camera shoots perfectly sharp pictures close up, but when I use zoom then the farther away parts are awfully fuzzy some of the time, but quite clear at other times. Shouldn't the same lens be sharp in all settings at all times? Arthur Dear Arthur The lens is probably quite OK. Hold a long fishing rod and point it at something small. Does it jitter around a bit ? Multiply that by the distance to the scenery that you want to shoot. That multiplied jitter is what causes the fuzz. There are a few ways to fix or diminish that fuzz. For long distance shots, use a tripod or put the camera onto a small sand baggie. Use the fastest (shortest) exposure time that you can get away with. Open the apperture as wide as you can to the lowest f-stop number to force the time to be shorter. Don't worry about the picture being a bit darker if you use shorter exposure times. You can always lighten the picture once you have it on the computer. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Every year when travelling I meet people who are on their way to or from visiting their parents. It never ceases to amaze me how much some people spend on retirement homes. These days the average seems to be around $300 a day, and very few of the parents are happy where they are. The rooms are small, they can't do this and can't do that, and the atmosphere is half way between jail and hospital, and the only Internet access is in the lobby and is always in use. Wake up folks! How much does it cost to stay at a nice hotel ? $40 - $100 If you ask them for an annual rate, they will knock that down 30% or more and roll out the red carpet. They will treat you like royalty! Wireless DSL from pool to park, fitness room, room service, laundry service, phone in the room, coffee machine in the room and no need to bribe nursing home staff for extra packets of coffee, and on and on. Many hotels have free limousine service, and in scenic areas they often have sight-seeing tours or are connected with tour companies that stop at the hotel. With the difference between $30 and $300 you can travel around and check out where you will stay the next year, if you want a change of scenery or climate. If you slip and fall down, instead of whining and sniveling at you, they make a bigger fuss than if the Queen had come for a visit. If you are planning your or a relative's retirement, take notes! DearWebby What's the Heirloom Christmas Book about? It is a BIG e-book with all the stories, that your great grandmother recited or read to your grandmother, when she was a kid. I want these stories to be preserved. You may know what it is about, when somebody mentions "bittersweet love like in 'The Gift Of The Magi'," but with today's education, your kids or even their teachers, probably don't know. So I collected these classics and put them all together into one e-book. This book of Christmas Stories is a cultural treasure, that should be passed on to our descendants. Since it is in e-book format, you can put it onto a CD for each kid, and fill the rest of the CD with family pictures and other keepsakes, making it a true heirloom. I have produced a smaller version last year. This final edition has more stories and illustrations, but I kept the price down to the same $10. The Heirloom Christmas Book also makes a nice Christmas gift! Click on the book cover to get your copy or click on Heirloom Christmas Book http://webby.com/cb You can download it and give the file as a gift! ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Drilling In Wood When drilling a hole in wood with a hand drill, use a nail or awl to start a hole where you plan to drill. That will help get the drill started and prevent it from skidding on the wood and leaving unsightly marks. Make sure the wood is firmly secured using a vice or a clamp. Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun ____________________________________________________ | | 10 coolest bottle openers |
___________________________________________________ One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel." -------------- That's not bad. In one hospital, that I was in, the nurse came by every hour and wrote the time and her initials onto the sole of my right foot to check my reflexes and record her check. It didn't take long before I took my tree of liquid lunches and moved to the roof garden. ___________________________________________________ Comments heard re the recent power failure: "When the food in our refrigerator began to spoil, my wife gave me a big kiss for stocking up on canned food in our basement," an California man said. "Then moments later, she gave me a big kick for buying an electric can opener." "I like to jog every morning," a New Jersey man said. "But without electricity, I can't use my treadmill. I don't know what to do. I asked my neighbors, but none of them owns a generator." "I can't call anyone," a woman griped. "What am I supposed to do while I drive?" "I don't mind not being able to use my microwave," one tearful woman said. "But do you have any idea what it's like to manage without a hair dryer?" ___________________________________________________ The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13." __________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today December 20 in 1606 The "Susan Constant," "Godspeed" and "Discovery" set sail from London. Their landing at Jamestown, VA, was the start of the first permanent English settlement in America. 1699 Peter the Great ordered that the Russian New Year be changed from September 1 to January 1. 1790 The first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating at Pawtucket, RI. 1803 The United States Senate ratified a treaty that included the Louisiana Territories from France for $15 million. The transfer was completed with formal ceremonies in New Orleans. 1820 The state of Missouri enacted legislation to tax bachelors between the ages of 21-50 for being unmarried. The tax was $1 a year. 1860 South Carolina became the first state to secede from the American Union. 1864 Confederate forces evacuated Savannah, GA as Union Gen. William T. Sherman continued his "March to the Sea." 1879 Thomas A. Edison privately demonstrated his incandescent light at Menlo Park, NJ. 1880 New York's Broadway became known as the "Great White Way" when it was lighted by electricity. 1892 Alexander T. Brown and George Stillman patented the pneumatic tire. 1928 Mail delivery by dog sled began in Lewiston, ME. 1933 The film "Flying Down to Rio" was first shown in New York. 1938 Vladimir Kosma Zworykin patented the iconoscope television system. 1946 The Frank Capra film "It's A Wonderful Life" had a preview showing for charity at New York City's Globe Theatre, a day before its "official" world premiere. James Stewart and Donna Reed star in the film. 1946 In Indochina (Vietnam), full-scale guerrilla warfare between Vietnam partisans and French troops began. 1954 Buick Motor Company signed Jackie Gleason to one of the largest contracts ever entered into with an entertainer. Gleason agreed to produce 78 half-hour shows over a two-year period for $6,142,500. 1963 The Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners. It was only for the holiday season. It closed again on January 6, 1964. 1973 The Spanish premier Carrero Blanco was assassinated in Madrid. 1987 More than 3,000 people were killed when the Dona Paz, a Philippine passenger ship, collided with the tanker Vector off Mindoro island, setting off a double explosion. 1989 General Noriega, Panama's dictator, was overthrown by a United States invasion force invited by the new civilian government. The project was known as Operation Just Cause. 1990 The world's first website and server go live at CERN. The first website was http://info.cern.ch/hypertext/WWW/TheProject.html. 1994 Marcelino Corniel, a homeless man, was shot and mortally wounded by White House security officers. He had brandished a knife near the executive mansion. 1994 Ivan Lendl retired after a 17-year tennis career. 1995 An American Airlines Boeing 757 en route to Cali, Colombia, crashed into a mountain, killing all but four of the 163 people aboard. 1996 Doctors reported that a Cypriot woman who had taken fertility drugs was carrying about 11 embryos. 1998 In Houston, TX, a 27-year-old woman gave birth to the only known living set of octuplets. 1999 The Vermont Supreme Court ruled that homosexual couples were entitled to the same benefits and protections as wedded couples of the opposite sex. 1999 Sovereignty over the colony of Macao was transferred from Portugal to China. 2001 The U.S. Congress passed a $20 billion package to finance the war against terrorism taking place in Afghanistan. 2001 Argentina's President Fernando De la Rua resigned after two years in power. 2001 The first British peacekeepers arrived in Afghanistan to help the nation heal after decades of war. It did not work. 2019 Do smiled. |
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