Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, April 11 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ More men charged with shooting people in Chicago while on bail for felony cases ___________________________________________________ Today, April 11 in 1803 A twin-screw propeller steamboat was patented by John Stevens. ____________________________________________________ Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them. --- Robertson Davies Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire." --- Dale Carnegie ____________________________________________________ My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago. I called her to see how she was doing. My nephew Bryan answered the phone. "Hello?" he whispered. "Hey, B, how's your mama?" "She's sleeping," he whispered again. "She go back to the doctor for a checkup?" "Yeah. She got some medicine," he said softly. "She's doing ok." "All right. Don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums." ____________________________________________________ During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!" ____________________________________________________ Loana Burlacu ____________________________________________________ Marketing 101 . . . Revised People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing. You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" . That's spam. You see two great looking brothers at a party. You decide to take them both home. That's a 2 for 1 sale. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom. That's Arnold Schwarzenegger. You like it, but 10 years later your attorney decides you were offended and files suit. That's America. ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Joshua Castro. 19, Chicago, Illinois, USA More men charged with shooting people in Chicago while on bail for felony cases On March 28, Joshua Castros girlfriend hopped on a party bus to celebrate a mans birthday. After spending time out, his girlfriend asked him to come pick her up. When he arrived, the birthday celebrant and another man walked his girlfriend to Castros car to make sure she got there safely, Assistant States Attorney Brian Burkhardt said. Castro, 19, looked agitated, started asking a lot of questions, and then told the men that he was loaded meaning he had a gun, according to Burkhardt. The group began to argue, and Castro allegedly pulled a gun from his sweatshirt, firing one round. The bullet passed completely through the birthday party honorees ankle, fracturing both bones in his lower right leg, and continued to strike another person nearby, Burkhardt said. Castro left before police arrived, but several witnesses identified him by name as the shooter, according to Burkhardt. Police arrested him the next day. Burkhardt said prosecutors considered filing attempted murder charges but settled for a count of aggravated battery by discharging a firearm. Castro has been free on a recognizance bond in a pending burglary case since January 21, Burkhardt told Judge Susana Ortiz. The judge ordered Castro held without bail this time. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Daniel Re: Frame DLL Dear Webby every time i try to download a program i get an error message " this application failed to start because frame.dll was not found " where do i find this frame thing and is it downloadable ? Microslop is no help. They tell me to downgrade from W7 to W10, which I wil NOT do. My wife has that on her machine. YUCK! thanks, daniel Dear Daniel You can download it from https://www.dllme.com/dll/files/frame_dll.html Have FUN! DearWebby A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?" The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Mr Jones, the science teacher, was a bit absent-minded. One day he brought a box into the classroom and said, "I've got a frog and a toad in here. When I get them out we'll look at the differences." He put his hand into the box and pulled out two sandwiches. "Oh dear!" he said. "I could have sworn I'd just had my lunch." ____________________________________________ Three women walk in a pet shop. Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue." The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow underwear." The others then say, "No way, we are wearing pink and blue." To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white! white! white!" The three women are amazed. The final test was the third day. As they walked in, the parrot yelled, "Bald, curly, straight!" They never went there again. ____________________________________________ A generously endowed Miss HollyBelle often got teased by her friends and family about her bodacious breasts. At a recent house warming party fr some new tenants in the complex where he lives, a young man asked her what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," Holly replied. "Oh, you must be the double D." he said. Miss Holly was very much annoyed, wondering which of her so- called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" Holly snapped. Surprised at her angry response, the young man very meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today, April 11 in 1512 The forces of the Holy League were heavily defeated by the French at the Battle of Ravenna. 1689 William III and Mary II were crowned as joint sovereigns of Britain. 1713 The Treaty of Utrecht was signed, ending the War of Spanish Succession. 1783 After receiving a copy of the provisional treaty on March 13, the U.S. Congress proclaimed a formal end to hostilities with Great Britain. 1803 A twin-screw propeller steamboat was patented by John Stevens. 1814 Napoleon was forced to abdicate his throne. The allied European nations had marched into Paris on March 30, 1814. He was banished to the island of Elba. 1876 The stenotype was patented by John C. Zachos. 1876 The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized. 1895 Anaheim, CA, completed its new electric light system. 1898 U.S. President William McKinley asked Congress for a declaration of war with Spain. 1899 The treaty ending the Spanish-American War was declared in effect. 1921 Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax. 1921 The first live sports event on radio took place this day on KDKA Radio. The event was a boxing match between Johnny Ray and Johnny Dundee. 1901 Construction on the Empire State Building was completed. The building was dedicated and opened on May 1, 1931. 1940 Andrew Ponzi set a world's record in a New York billiards tournament when he ran 127 balls straight. 1941 Germany bombers blitzed Conventry, England. 1945 U.S. troops reached the Elbe River in Germany. 1945 During World War II, American soldiers liberated the Nazi concentration camp of Buchenwald in Germany. 1948 The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls was announced in a general press release. 1951 U.S. President Truman fired General Douglas MacArthur as head of United Nations forces in Korea. 1961 Israel began the trial of Adolf Eichman, accused of World War II war crimes. 1970 Apollo 13 blasted off on a mission to the moon that was disrupted when an explosion crippled the spacecraft. The astronauts did return safely. 1974 The Judiciary committee subpoenas U.S. President Richard Nixon to produce tapes for impeachment inquiry. 1979 Idi Amin was deposed as president of Uganda as rebels and exiles backed by Tanzanian forces seized control. 1980 The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued regulations specifically prohibiting sexual harassment of workers by supervisors. 1981 U.S. President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House from the hospital after recovering from an assassination attempt on March 30. 1981 In the Brixton area of London, a race riot erupted that resulted in the injury of more than 300 people. 1984 China invaded Vietnam. 1984 General Secretary Konstantin U. Cherenkov was named president of the Soviet Union. 1985 Scientists in Hawaii measured the distance between the earth and moon within one inch. 1985 The White House announced that President Reagan would visit the Nazi cemetery at Bitburg. 1986 Dodge Morgan sailed solo nonstop around the world in 150 days. 1986 In Groton, CT, the submarine Nautilus exhibit opened to the public. 1986 Kellogg's stopped giving tours of its breakfast-food plant. The reason for the end of the 80-year tradition was said to be that company secrets were at risk due to spies from other cereal companies. 1991 U.N. Security Council issued a formal cease-fire with Iraq. 1996 Forty-three African nations signed the African Nuclear Weapons Free Zone Treaty. 1996 Seven-year-old Jessica Dubroff was killed with her father and flight instructor when her plane crashed after takeoff from Cheyenne, Wyoming. Jessica had hoped to become the youngest person to fly cross-country. 1998 Northern Ireland's biggest political party, the Ulster Unionists, announced its backing of the historic peace deal. 1999 Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president of Niger. President Ibrahim Bar Manassara had been assassinated on April 9. 2001 China agreed to release 24 crewmembers of a U.S. surveillance plane. The EP-3E Navy crew had been held since April 1 on Hainon, where the plane had made an emergency landing after an in-flight collision with a Chinese fighter jet. The Chinese pilot was missing and presumed dead. 2007 Apple announced that the iTunes Store had sold more than two million movies. 2021 Do smiled. |
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