Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, November 24 Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award:  Mother drove two miles to police station with son, 12, on auto's hood  ______________________________________________________ Today, November 24 in 1859 Charles Darwin, a British naturalist, published "On the Origin of Species." It was the paper in which he explained his theory of evolution through the process of natural selection. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ 
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 Seek simplicity, and distrust it. --- Alfred North Whitehead (1861 - 1947) ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Judy for this story: The Students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears. "Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes." "Did it hurt?" "Just a little." "Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun." Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?" And one smart-aleck could not resist asking: "Did they get both ears with one shot?" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ >From Dave He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord. He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community. The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church." Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again. Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D. P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?" _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ Classic from the Clinton era To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy Dear staff members: Due to an unfortunate and silly overreaction by the Republicans in Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. Effective Monday: 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times. 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody. 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . .." The stickers will be available at the front desk. 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however. 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls. 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us. 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects. 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted. 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours. 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care. Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week! ______________________________________________________   From Linda _____________________________________________________ 
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 ___________________________________________________   An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Shaurice Jones, 36, Bath, a Lehigh Valley borough. Pennsylvania  Mother drove two miles to police station with son, 12, on auto's hood  A Pennsylvania mother drove two miles with her 12-year-son on the hood of her car, according to police who yesterday arrested the woman on a pair of endangerment charges. As alleged in a criminal complaint, Shaurice Jones and her son quarreled last week when she drove the boy to a local dentist. The child, cops say, refused to go into the office. Instead, he climbed atop his mother's automobile. Jones, 36, responded to her son's protest by getting into her car and driving two miles to a police precinct. The speed limit on the road Jones traveled is 40 mph. Upon arriving at the Colonial Regional Police Department, Jones admitted to officers that she had been driving with her son on the vehicle's hood. It appears Jones went to the precinct in the hopes that cops would mediate the family dental dispute. Pictured above, Jones has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child, a felony, and reckless endangerment, a misdemeanor. She was freed from custody after posting $1000 bail and is next due in court on December 4 for a preliminary hearing. Jones lives in Bath, a Lehigh Valley borough. That is the last time she will ever ask the police for help! 
 From: Derrick Re: Filters not working  Dear Webby I have made filters to filter out spam that has all the common terms used by spammers. Yet more and more spams that has exactly those words in the subject line gets through anyway. The filters work some of the time but not at other times. Is that MailWasher's fault or what's going on ? Derrick  Dear Derrick If you look into the header of those spams you will see some weird gobbledigook in the spot where plain words are showing if you read it with MailWasher or an email program. The gobbledigook is just the character codes in a different font. It is normally preceded with some stuff that contains: =?ISO- Just make a filter that looks for "=?ISO-" in the entire header. I catch about a dozen spams a day with that filter, and I have never seen a legitimate mail that had that combination of characters in the header. Have FUN! DearWebby  
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 A man got on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the driver. Then the man says, "Okay, then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irritated driver says to the man, "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there would be a difference?" And the man said, "Well, it's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!" 
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 An old man sitting on the nursing home porch turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Winter days like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you made love to your wife?" "Heck No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST time...." ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Check the Sell By Date  When shopping, always note the "sell by" date. Most foods will last a week past the "sell by" date. Look in the back of cases for the latest dates. If you already own food you won't be able to use, simply freeze it by the "sell by" date. 8 Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________   
 
 
The Shirk Report 
 ___________________________________________________ Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst replied, "Oy, who listens?" ___________________________________________________ A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 Thanks to Sandie for this story: Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home and start all over again. My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!" "And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"  
 Today November 24 in 1615 French King Louis XIII married Ann of Austria. They were both 14 years old. 1859 Charles Darwin, a British naturalist, published "On the Origin of Species." It was the paper in which he explained his theory of evolution through the process of natural selection. 1863 During the Civil War, the battle for Lookout Mountain began in Tennessee. 1871 The National Rifle Association was incorporated in the U.S. 1874 Joseph F. Glidden was granted a patent for a barbed fencing material. 1903 Clyde J. Coleman received the patent for an electric self- starter for an automobile. 1940 Nazis closed off the Jewish ghetto in Warsaw, Poland. Over the next three years the population dropped from 350,000 to 70,000 due to starvation, disease and deportations to concentration camps. 1944 During World War II, the first raid against the Japanese capital of Tokyo was made by land-based U.S. bombers. 1947 The "Hollywood 10," were cited for contempt of Congress for refusing to answer questions about alleged Communist influence in their industry. 1963 Dallas nightclub owner Jack Ruby shot and killed Lee Harvey Oswald live on national television. 1969 Apollo 12 landed safely in the Pacific Ocean bringing an end to the second manned mission to the moon. 1971 Hijacker Dan Cooper, known as D.B. Cooper, parachuted from a Northwest Airlines 727 over Washington state with $200,000 in ransom. He has not been caught. 1983 The Palestine Liberation Organization released six Israeli prisoners in exchange for the release of 4,500 Palestinians and Lebanese held by the Israelis. 1985 In Malta, Egyptian commandos stormed an Egyptian jetliner. 60 people died in the raid. 1987 The U.S. and the Soviet Union agreed to scrap short- and medium-range missiles. It was the first superpower treaty to eliminate an entire class of nuclear weapons. 1989 Czechoslovakia's hard-line party leadership resigned after more than a week of protests against its policies. 1992 In China, a domestic jetliner crashed, killing 141 people. 1993 The U.S. Congress gave its final approval to the Brady handgun control bill. 1993 Robert Thompson and Jon Venables (both 11 years old) were convicted of murdering 2-year-old James Bulger of Liverpool, England. They were both sentenced to "indefinite detention." 1995 In Ireland, the voters narrowly approved a constitutional amendment legalizing divorce. 1996 Rusty Wallace won the first NASCAR event to be held in Japan. 1998 AOL (America Online) announced a deal for their purchase of Netscape for $4.21 billion. Then Microsoft "persuaded" AOL to shelf and block Netscape and use Internet Explorer instead. Billions of netscape fans were furious, but powerless against Microsoft's unlimited wealth. 2018 Do smiled. 
 

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