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Today's Bonehead Award goes to a Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, March 21, in 1349 3,000 Jews were killed in Black Death riots in Efurt Germany. 1556 Thomas Cranmer, the Archbishop of Canterbury, was burned at the stake at Oxford More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police. Don't send them. Just a bambulance. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby." ______________________________________________________ >From FB ______________________________________________________ If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Autumn Prieschl, 36, Charlotte, NC NC woman stole ambulance because she needed a ride Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police arrested a 36-year-old woman Thursday night on charges that she stole an ambulance from Carolinas Medical Center. Security cameras caught Autumn Prieschl getting behind the wheel of Ambulance #47 around 10 p.m. Thursday. Sources say the woman wasn't high, mentally unstable or sick, only that she said she needed a ride. Officials with MEDIC say that some of their people spotted her hanging out near the emergency entrance but didn't give it much thought. Fortunately #47 was empty. All of MEDIC's trucks are equipped with GPS trackers, so police knew right away where the ambulance was and they made a traffic stop in the 11600 block of Albemarle Road. Prieschl has been charged with larceny of a motor vehicle and trespassing. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Frank Re: Extract one mail from huge SPAM folder Dear Webby I sent my crable game to my spam folder by mistake Last week and because the person I play with was having flooding, I didn't realise it until today. I have over 1,000 files in that folder. I can only view about 20 of the most resent ones . How do i get something off my spam list I that I can not bring up? peddlerfrank Dear Frank Set your mails per page to 100. Go into the SPAM folder and sort it with OLDEST on top. Then make some shortcut keys in the settings. I use ALT ` for Select All ALT 1 delete selected Selecting and deleting 100 at a time, you can reduce that to a few day's worth in no time flat. It's a good idea to keep that trimmed to a few days worth. Next, while still in the SPAM folder, type your friend's name or a ddress into the se arch on top, and let it search for it. Highlight the found item, and select to move it to the INbox. Then go to the IN box, search for your friend again. Hw won't be on top, but on the day that he actually wrote. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ A Riddle Schwartzeneggger has a big one. Michael J Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use his. Clinton uses his all the time. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. George Burn's was hot. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer is... (this is really good) "A Last Name". ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mom's Brown Rice and Greens Casserole By Cheryl Johnson [5 Posts, 1 Comment] Ingredients quick cook brown rice (approx 3 cups for 6 servings of 2/3 cup each) 8 oz. frozen Brussels sprouts 3/4 cup shredded Parmesan cheese salt and pepper Approx. 1 1/2 Tbsp. butter or margarine Directions Prepare quick brown rice (any brand will do) enough for 6 servings. Defrost the sprouts in the microwave. After they have defrosted, use a quick chopper or food processor to shred the defrosted sprouts. Only pulse until the leaves have all separated from the sprouts. Remove rice from pot, dump into a casserole dish, dump shredded Brussels sprouts into the rice-mix to combine. Top with approx. 3/4 cup of shredded Parmesan cheese. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Cover tightly with foil. Bake covered at 375 degrees F for approx. 20 minutes, then remove the foil, add several pats of butter or margarine, and bake uncovered for an additional 15 minutes. Stir, serve and enjoy! ______________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
_____________________________________________________ A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a delicatessen store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. Aaron Schmalzgold, the store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." Aaron says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight stray cats." ___________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at the ex-cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell. "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen. "Come on, Ellen, we've got to just..." But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathised with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognised with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold. After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognised a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich manoeuvre. A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well- trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat- burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach! ____________________________________________________ Two ladies were working in a women's lingerie store a few days before Christmas when they saw a man nervously wandering up and down the aisles. One of the clerks walked over. "Is there something I can help you find?" she said. "No, really, I think I can find it myself" "Really sir, don't be shy. This is a lingerie store and it's our job to help people find the things they need. You shouldn't be embarrassed." "Well, okay. I'm looking for a bra for my wife." "Well that's no problem, we sell those everyday. What size does she need?" "7 3/4" "Are you sure? That's a rather odd size. How did you measure her?" "With my hat" ____________________________________________________ | My hands would freeze! And other parts too! |
| Today on March 21 1349 3,000 Jews were killed in Black Death riots in Efurt Germany. 1556 Thomas Cranmer, the Archbishop of Canterbury, was burned at the stake at Oxford after retracting the last of seven recantations that same day. 1788 Almost the entire city of New Orleans, LA, was destroyed by fire. 856 buildings were destroyed. 1804 The French civil code, the Code Napoleon, was adopted. 1824 A fire at a Cairo ammunitions dump killed 4,000 horses. 1851 Yosemite Valley was discovered in California. 1857 An earthquake hit Tokyo killing about 107,000. 1902 In New York, three Park Avenue mansions were destroyed when a subway tunnel roof caved in. 1908 A passenger was carried in a bi-plane for the first time by Henri Farman of France. 1909 Russia withdrew its support for Serbia and recognized the Austrian annexation of Bosnia-Herzegovina. Serbia accepted Austrian control over Bosnia-Herzegovina on March 31, 1909. 1928 U.S. President Calvin Coolidge gave the Congressional Medal of Honor to Charles Lindbergh for his first trans-Atlantic flight. 1934 A fire destroyed Hakodate, Japan, killing about 1,500. 1945 During World War II, Allied bombers began four days of bombing raids over Germany. 1960 About 70 people were killed in Sharpeville, South Africa, when police fired upon demonstrators. 1963 Alcatraz Island, the federal penitentiary in San Francisco Bay, CA, closed. 1965 The U.S. launched Ranger 9. It was the last in a series of unmanned lunar explorations. 1971 Two U.S. platoons in Vietnam refused their orders to advance. 1972 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that states could not require one year of residency for voting eligibility. 1974 An attempt was made to kidnap Princess Anne in London's Pall Mall. 1980 U.S. President Jimmy Carter announced to the U.S. Olympic Team that they would not participate in the 1980 Summer Games in Moscow as a boycott against Soviet intervention in Afghanistan. 1982 The United States, U.K. and other Western countries condemned the Soviet intervention in Afghanistan. 1984 A Soviet submarine crashed into the USS Kitty Hawk off the coast of Japan. 1985 Police in Langa, South Africa, opened fire on blacks marching to mark the 25th anniversary of the Sharpeville shootings. At least 21 demonstrators were killed. 1990 Namibia became independent of South Africa. 1991 The U.N. Security Council lifted the food embargo against Iraq. 1994 Dudley Moore was arrested for hitting his girlfriend. 1994 Wayne Gretzky tied Gordie Howe's NHL record of 801 goals. 1994 Bill Gates of Microsoft and Craig McCaw of McCaw Cellular Communications announced a $9 billion plan that would send 840 satellites into orbit to relay information around the globe. 2002 In Paris, an 1825 print by French inventor Joseph Nicephore Niepce was sold for $443,220. The print, of a man leading a horse, was the earliest recorded image taken by photographic means. 2016 Do smiled. |
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