Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, July 31 Today, Monday July 31, I have to go to Calgary for more injections into my eye balls. That means no Humor Letter on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I will be back. ____________________________________________________ History: today, July 31 in 1964, The American space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the moon's surface. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Car crash victim steals truck from good Samaritan who stopped to help ___________________________________________________ Q 1964, The American space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the moon's surface. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ At the mall a little girl climbed onto the Easter Bunny's lap, the computerized bunny asked the usual, "And what would you like for Easter?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "But, but, didn't you get my E-mail?" ___________________________________________________ A rich woman was giving a garden party with many wealthy guests in attendance. While the party was going on, two gardeners were doing yard work on the rear lawn. While one of the guests was watching him, one of the gardeners suddenly jumped into the air and performed numerous graceful swirling dance movements. The guest remarked to his hostess, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $100 to dance before all of the guests!" When the hostess asked the head gardener about making such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for $100 you could step on that rake again?" ___________________________________________________ That was my dad's favorite ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A nun and a biker were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled and said: "T. G. I. M." The biker looked back at her and said: "S. H. I. T" The nun was shocked. She turned to the biker and said: "There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Monday". The biker grinned at her and said: "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Tuesday" ____________________________________________________ The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that runs on water." ____________________________________________________ Kananaskis, AB ___________________________________________________ The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced seven times." __________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits from: Gloria re: Excel Replace Dear Webby The trick you told Anna for the time stamp is phantastic! I have hoped for a year that there was something like that, but didn't even know how to fomulate my question. Is there a hot key for doing a search and replace? Gloria Dear Gloria Yes, sure. Since the 80's there have been hundreds of hot- keys added. Display Find and Replace Dialogue Box (Find Selected). Ctrl F Display Find and Replace Dialogue Box (Replace Selected). Ctrl H Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "What's the matter?" she called out. "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered. "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?" ____________________________________________ ________________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Mario Alberto Gonzalez, 26, Brevard, N.C. USA Car crash victim steals truck from good Samaritan who stopped to help A North Carolina man is charged after getting involved in a car crash and then stealing a truck from a good Samaritan who stopped to help him, authorities said. The McDowell County Sheriffs Office charged 26-year-old Mario Alberto Gonzalez with several crimes including felonious flee/elude arrest with motor vehicle, felonious possession of a stolen firearm, felonious possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, felonious possession of a stolen motor vehicle, driving while license revoked, and speeding and failing to maintain lane control. Deputies said on July 23, they responded to Interstate 40 for a report of stolen truck. The victim told authorities Gonzalez crashed his vehicle and he had stopped to help. Authorities said while the victim was searching to see if anyone else was involved in the crash, Gonzalez stole his truck and drove away. Lt. Jason Cook with the McDowell County Sheriffs Office charged 26-year-old Mario Alberto Gonzalez of Brevard, NC with felonious Flee/Elude Arrest with Motor Vehicle, felonious Possession of a Stolen Firearm, felonious Possession of a Firearm by a Convicted Felon, felonious Possession of a Stolen Motor Vehicle, Driving While License Revoked, Speeding and Failing to Maintain Lane Control. Gonzalez was issued a $125,000 secured bond. Officers from the Marion Police Department then spotted the stolen truck and a police chase ensued. They said they were able to stop Gonzalez after laying down stop-sticks. Gonzales was issued a $125,000 secured bond and faces more charges in other jurisdictions. ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this report: A hot red convertible with an equally hot woman driver raced by as my husband and his friend stopped to stare. "Wow," sighed Rick. "Nice." "Yeah," agreed his buddy, transfixed. "What color was the car?" I asked. They answered simultaneously, "Blonde". ___________________________________________________ THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today July 31, in 1498, Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, arrived at the island of Trinidad. 1790, The first U.S. patent was issued to Samuel Hopkins for his process for making potash and pearl ashes. The substance was used in fertilizer. 1792, The cornerstone of the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia, PA, was laid. It was the first building to be used only as a U.S. government building. 1919, Germany's Weimar Constitution was adopted. 1928, MGMs Leo the lion roared for the first time. He introduced MGMs first talking picture, "White Shadows on the South Seas." 1932, Enzo Ferrari retired from racing. In 1950 he launched a series of cars under his name. 1945, Pierre Laval of France surrendered to Americans in Austria. 1948, U.S. President Truman helped dedicate New York International Airport (later John F. Kennedy International Airport) at Idlewild Field. 1955, Marilyn Bell of Toronto, Canada, at age 17, became the youngest person to swim the English Channel. 1959, The Euskadi Ta Askatasuna (ETA) was founded. The group is known for being an armed Basque nationalist and separatist organization. 1964, The American space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the moon's surface. 1971, Men rode in a vehicle on the moon for the first time in a lunar rover vehicle (LRV). 1980, China's population reached 1 billion. 1981, The seven-week baseball players strike came to an end when the players and owners agreed on the issue of free agent compensation. 1982, Yugoslavia imposed a six-month freeze on prices. 1989, A pro-Iranian group in Lebanon released a videotape reportedly showing the hanged body of American hostage William R. Higgins. 1989, The Game Boy handheld video game device was released in the U.S. 1991, U.S. President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty. 1995, The Walt Disney Company agreed to acquire Capital Cities/ABC in a $19 billion deal. 1999, The spacecraft Lunar Prospect crashed into the moon. It was a mission to detect frozen water on the moon's surface. The craft had been launched on January 6, 1998. 2007, The iTunes Music Store reached 2 million feature length films sold. 2023, Do smiled.
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