| Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, May 18 ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 18 in 2014, Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb the invaded Crimea into the Russian Federation. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead 12-Year-Old Charged with Murder in Horrific Killing of Texas Sonic Restaurant Employee _____________________________________________________ Q There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832) "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." --- Mark Twain Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? --- Kelvin Throop III ___________________________________________________ Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my p-mail messages." ______________________________________________________ A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." ______________________________________________________ >From dad: __________________________________________________ Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!" __________________________________________________ A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!" ___________________________________________________ Dear Webbys Tech Support Pits From: Buzzy RE: Old tech support files Dear Webby Here is one from my files: secretary: "i need a tech to come and fix my printer." Secretary: "My printer is flashing '''Error 13 Paper Out" Buzzy: "Check to see if there is paper in the machine" Secretary: "Already did, no - there is no paper in the machine" Buzzy: "Try filling the paper bin, see if that fixes the 'error''." Secretary: "Hold on.... Yes that fixed it, but every time it runs out of paper I get the error again." Buzzy: SILENT (I had nothing to say...) Buzzy's employer used to be a client, but then his company decided to become a web host themselves, and promptly went bankrupt. Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother) Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher. Dust Pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug. Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old "lucky shirt". Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old. Mop (mop) - a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year. Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again! Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead. Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house (hint hint). Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men do squeegee! Final Note: While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't make me call 1-800-Duc Tape ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angel Gomez, 20, Ft. Worth, Texas, USA 12-Year-Old Charged with Murder in Horrific Killing of Texas Sonic Restaurant Employee According to Keene Police Chief James Kidd, Davis confronted Gomez about the latter urinating in the parking lot, according to KXAS-TV. According to Keene Police Chief James Kidd, Davis confronted Gomez about the latter urinating in the parking lot, according to KXAS-TV. The altercation soon became physical, according to police. That was when the 12-year-old juvenile allegedly took a firearm and started firing several shots at Davis, NPR reported. The duo then fled the scene, according to police. Davis was later taken to a local hospital, where he was declared dead. Officers arrested Gomez after he had come back to the crime scene later that day, according to the news release. The news release stated that investigators also found the juvenile and multiple guns at a location in Rio Vista. Both Gomez and the juvenile have been taken into custody and charged with murder, according to police. Officers also seized multiple firearms found at the Rio Vista location, according to the news release. ______________________________________________ They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere. ________________________________________________ Tombstones RIP Good Friend Gordon now you've crossed the River Jordan HERE LIES my wife, I bid her goodbye. She rests in peace and now so do I. Here lies HENRY BLAKE He stepped on the gas Instead of the brake HERE LIES the Pillsbury Dough Boy He will rise again RIP Barry M. Deep RIP Ted N. Buried REST IN PEACE COUSIN HUET we all know you didn't do it HERE LIES JOHN YEAST Pardon me for not rising HERE LIES GOOD OLD FRED a great big rock fell on his head HERE LIES LESTER MORE Four slugs From a forty-four No Les no more Dear Departed BROTHER DAVE he chased a bear into a cave _____________________________________________ Maximilian Bauer __________________________________________________ Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: a.. Gained weight b.. Talked excessively without making sense c.. Became overly emotional d.. Couldn't drive e.. Failed to think rationally f.. Argued over nothing g.. Had to sit down while urinating h.. Showed no interest in sex i.. Refused to apologize when wrong No further testing is planned. _________________________________________________ Witches Hat Utah, no need to go to Mars __________________________________________________ A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?" ____________________________________________________ Today, May 18 in 1302, The weaver Peter de Coningk led a massacre of the Flemish oligarchs. 1642, Montreal, Canada, was founded. 1643, Queen Anne, the widow of Louis XIII, was granted sole and absolute power as regent by the Paris parliament, overriding the late king's will. 1652, In Rhode Island, a law was passed that made slavery illegal in North America. It was the first law of its kind. 1792, Russian troops invaded Poland. 1802, Great Britain declared war on Napoleon's France. 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed emperor by the French Senate. 1828, Battle of Las Piedras ended the conflict between Uruguay and Brazil. 1896, The U.S. Supreme court upheld the "separate but equal" policy in the Plessy vs. Ferguson decision. The ruling was overturned 58 years later with Brown vs. Board of Education. 1897, A public reading of Bram Stoker's new novel, "Dracula, or, The Un-dead," was performed in London. 1917, The U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service act, which called up soldiers to fight in World War I. 1926, Evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson vanished while visiting a beach in Venice, CA. She reappeared a month later with the claim that she had been kidnapped. 1931, Japanese pilot Seiji Yoshihara crashed his plane in the Pacific Ocean while trying to be the first to cross the ocean nonstop. He was picked up seven hours later by a passing ship. 1933, The Tennessee Valley Authority was created. 1934, The U.S. Congress approved an act, known as the "Lindberg Act," that called for the death penalty in interstate kidnapping cases. 1942, New York ended night baseball games for the duration of World War II. 1944, Monte Cassino, Europe's oldest Monastic house, was finally captured by the Allies in Italy. 1951, The United Nations moved its headquarters to New York City. 1953, The first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound, Jacqueline Cochran, piloted an F-86 Sabrejet over California at an average speed of 652.337 miles-per-hour. 1974, India became the sixth nation to explode an atomic bomb. 1980, Mt. Saint Helens erupted in Washington state. 57 people were killed and 3 billion in damage was done. 1983, The U.S. Senate revised immigration laws and gave millions of illegal aliens legal status under an amnesty program. 1994, Israel's three decades of occupation in the Gaza Strip ended as Israeli troops completed their withdrawal and Palestinian authorities took over. 1998, The U.S. federal government and 20 states filed a sweeping antitrust case against Microsoft Corp., saying the computer software company had a "choke hold" on competitors which denied consumer choices by controlling 90% of the software market. 1998, U.S. federal officials arrested more than 130 people and seized $35 million. This was the end to an investigation of money laundering being done by a dozen Mexican banks and two drug-smuggling cartels. 2012, Facebook Inc. held its initial public offering and began trading on the NASDAQ. The company was valued at $104 billion making it the largest valuation to date for a newly listed public company. 2014, Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb the invaded Crimea into the Russian Federation. 2023, Do smiled.
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