Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, February 14 Happy Valentines Day! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! I would love a Valentine like that! ___________________________________________________ Today, February 14, in 2005, The video-sharing website YouTube was activated. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Robbery suspect attacks Miami officer ___________________________________________________ If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. --- Joe Martin, Mister Boffo ___________________________________________________ GiveSendGo@GiveSendGo Know this! Canada has absolutely ZERO jurisdiction over how we manage our funds here at GiveSendGo. All funds for EVERY campaign on GiveSendGo flow directly to the recipients of those campaigns, not least of which is The Freedom Convoy campaign. ___________________________________________________ One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife: " What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." ____________________________________________________ Lake Baikal, Russia ____________________________________________________ For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Sure I can help you choose which puppy to buy!" ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Old mug shot Victor Fernandez, 33, Miami, Florida, USA Robbery suspect attacks Miami officer Miami police are searching for a known criminal, who they said attacked an officer Friday morning who was trying to apprehend him in connection with a robbery. According to authorities, Victor Fernandez, 33, is wanted in connection with an armed robbery that occurred shortly before 7 a.m. Thursday in the area of Northeast Third Court and 55th Street. Police said he attacked the officer around 11 a.m. Friday in the 4100 block of West Flagler Street. He was last seen driving a white 2018 Honda Accord with Florida tag ESJP69. The cars driver-side headlight is damaged, authorities said. No other details about the robbery or attack on the officer were immediately released. Anyone with information about Fernandezs whereabouts is asked to call the City of Miami Police ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Corinne Re: Ear Auger Dear Webby I know you have tinnitus from working in heavy industry. Have you trie those plastic ear augers, and do they worK? Thanks Corinne Dear Corinne They do work to deep clean the ears, without causing damage or injury. That improves hearing, but tinnitus is not caused by the outer ear. It is something in the brain. There have been some experimental efforts to restore hearing electrically, after all the outer ear had been destroyed in accidents. They were able to restore some hearing. The restored hearing was of course not as good as normal, natural hearing, but interestingly, the tinnitus was gone. Since hat method does not require daily pills, the medical industry is not interested, and I think research in that has been stopped. So far, all the pills advertised on 5 - 10 pages, that claim taking the pills for 3 months would stop tinnitus, are scams. If they use 5 pages to try to hypnotize you, remember Shakespeare: "Me thinks though talks too much and are full of shit!" So, by all means get those soft plastic augers. They are cheap, and they really work to clean out the ears. After use, spray them with dish washer or my 35 year favorite, Simple Green, or anything like that, wait a minute and then rinse them under running hot water. I paid under $6 for 4 a few years ago. I notice that now there are resellers, who charge ten times as much for them. Look around and compare prices at dealers in your area. Have FUN! DearWebby Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won! The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse! He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire! The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest. He found the man and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!" The Priest said, "That's the trouble with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!" ______________________________________________ Some winter camping tips: To win the race for fastest set-up on multi-family camping trips, tell your kids that NOBODY gets to go to the outhouse until all your tents are set up and the stuff moved into them. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. When using a public campground, a violin or viola placed on your picnic table will mysteriously dissappear, and some nearby camp fire will burn extra hot. Wires as used for "strings" on many stringed instruments such as violas make excellent snare wire for catching rabbits, squirrels and night-time raiders of your beer cache. When smoking a fish, don't inhale. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. Hot enchiladas or pizzas do NOT work. After they permanently melt into your sleeping bag, you will have a permanent cold spot in that location. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. If you set up a tent to be sheltered from the wind while ice-fishing, do NOT sleep in that tent. Somebody will get up at night and step into the hole. Extracting a foot with a sprained ankle firmly wedged into the hole in the ice tends to cause foul language that scares the fish away. If a family member has borrowed your ice auger to drill a fence post hole, it is a good idea to mark and identify that auger with a hack-saw by cutting it into little bitty pieces. That is best done cool and calm, before you carry it up to that mountain lake. Salmon eggs in little pouches made from old pantyhose work better for ice fishing than any other bait or lure, and if you don't get permission to use some bits of pantyhose, remember that salmon eggs are just deluxe caviar at one tenth the cost, and are great with devilled eggs. Building a fire in the dry spot under a tree with overhanging branches is a dumb idea, either the snow will slide off and put your fire out, or the tree will catch on fire. Putting your tent under a tree is also a bad idea, especially in the rain. A tent will shed rain, but the slow, fat drops coming from a tree will spray through and slowly dampen your sleeping bag. Also, a tree will continue to drip long after the rain has stopped. You can compress the diameter of a rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. Tempting as it may be to "just-do-it", it IS considered good manners to tell your mother-in-law to get out of her sleeping bag before that procedure. ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland. When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back. The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?" The American thinks to himself "Great -- if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the guy, "Actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe. The guy behind him then replies, "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland." ___________________________________________________ | Today, February 14, in 1778, The Stars and Stripes was carried to a foreign port, in France, for the first time. It was aboard the American ship Ranger. 1803, Moses Coates received a patent for the apple parer. 1849, The first photograph of a U.S. President, while in office, was taken by Matthew Brady in New York City. President James Polk was the subject of the picture. 1876, Alexander Graham Bell filed an application for a patent for the telephone. It was officially issued on March 7, 1876. 1889, In Los Angeles, CA, oranges began their first trip to the east. 1895, Oscar Wilde's final play, "The Importance of Being Earnest," opened at the St. James' Theatre in London. 1899, The U.S. Congress approved voting machines for use in federal elections. 1900, Russia imposed tighter imperial control over Finland in response to an international petition for Finland's freedom. 1900, In South Africa, British Gen. Roberts invaded Orange Free State with 20,000 troops. 1912, The first diesel engine submarine was commissioned in Groton, CT. 1929, The "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in Chicago, IL. Seven gangsters who were rivals of Al Capone were killed. 1932, The U.S. won the first bobsled competition at the Winter Olympic Games at Lake Placid, NY. 1940, The first porpoise born in captivity arrived at Marineland in Florida. 1945, Peru, Paraguay, Chile and Ecuador joined the United Nations. 1946, ENIAC (Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer) was unveiled. The device, built at the University of Pennsylvania, was the world's first general purpose electronic computer. 1961, Lawrencium, element 103, was first produced in Berkely, CA. 1962, U.S. First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy gave a tour of the White House on television. 1979, Adolph Dubs, the U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, was kidnapped in Kabul by Muslim extremists. He was killed in a shootout between his abductors and police. 1983, A 6-year-old boy became the first person to receive a heart and liver transplants in the same operation. 1985, Cable News Network (CNN) reporter Jeremy Levin was freed. He had been held in Lebanon by extremists. 1989, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini called on Muslims to kill Salman Rushdie because of his novel "The Satanic Verses." 1989, The first satellite of the Global Positioning System was placed into orbit around Earth. 1989, Union Carbide agreed to pay $470 million to the government of India. The court-ordered settlement was a result of the 1984 Bhopal gas leak disaster. 1997, Astronauts on the space shuttle Discovery began a series of spacewalks that were required to overhaul the Hubble Space Telescope. 1998, U.S. authorities officially announced that Eric Rudolph was a suspect in a bombing of an abortion clinic in Alabama. 2002, The U.S. House of Representatives passed the Shays- Meehan bill. The bill, if passed by the U.S. Senate, would ban millions of unregulated money that goes to the national political parties. 2002, Sylvester Stallone filed a lawsuit against Kenneth Starr. The suit alleged that Starr had given bad advice about selling Planet Hollywood stock. 2003, In Madrid, Spain, a ceramic plate with a bullfighting motif painted by Pablo Picasso in 1949 was stolen from an art show. The plate was on sale for $12,400. 2005, The video-sharing website YouTube was activated. 2021 Do smiled. |
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