Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, March 17 Happy St. Patrick's Day! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Man Breaks Into Roccos Tacos To Steal Alcohol For Sober House Friends ___________________________________________________ Today, March 17 in 1989 A series of solar flares caused a violent magnetic storm that brought power outages over large regions of Canada. ____________________________________________________ Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) ____________________________________________________ A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. Its too hot. Its too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, its being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We cant be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we cant kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, youll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose youve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, maam," the frustrated guide said, "but Ive sat on it." ____________________________________________________ A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered about 2 feet!" ____________________________________________________ Cute Hooker Kati Schneevoigt ___________________________________________________ An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As hes drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, Hey, whats that little green thing down there? The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Hey, what is that thing, anyway? The Irishman replies, Have some respect. Hes a leprechaun. Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again Ill Chop his willie right off, I will! he shouts. You cant do that, says the Irishman. Leprechauns dont have willies. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman. They dont, says the Irishman. They go SPLBLBLBLBT. __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Mark Laporta, Delray Beach, Floriduh, USA Man Breaks Into Roccos Tacos To Steal Alcohol For Sober House Friends A Delray Beach man allegedly broke into Roccos Tacos on Atlantic Avenue to steal alcohol for his recovering alcoholic friends living with him in an area Sober House. The man was found bloodied. He allegedly lied when officers asked him his name. Mark Laporta is now charged with Burglary, Grand Theft, and Give False ID To Law Enforcement Officers. From the report: At 00:40 hours (on March 13th, 2021), I was dispatched to 110 East Atlantic Avenue (Roccos Tacos) in reference to a suspicious incident. An employee was on the phone with dispatch stating a white male entered th basement and ran away when (the employee) entered. The employee chased the suspect to 200 East Atlantic Avenue where officers made contact with all parties. I spoke with the employee who stated the suspect had a box in his hand and ran out of the basement, dropped the box, and continued running until he got to 200 East Atlantic Avenue. Mark Laporta is now charged with Burglary, Grand Theft, and Give False ID To Law Enforcement Officers. From the report: At 00:40 hours (on March 13th, 2021), I was dispatched to 110 East Atlantic Avenue (Roccos Tacos) in reference to a suspicious incident. An employee was on the phone with dispatch stating a white male entered th basement and ran away when (the employee) entered. The employee chased the suspect to 200 East Atlantic Avenue where officers made contact with all parties. I spoke with the employee who stated the suspect had a box in his hand and ran out of the basement, dropped the box, and continued running until he got to 200 East Atlantic Avenue. Officer Hernandez spoke with the suspect who was not wearing a shirt and covered in blood. The suspect gave the name of Jeffrey Jewer. The suspect was later identified by his Massachusetts ID as Mark Laporta. Laporta stated he gave the false name because he was scared and uses that name when he talks to officers. Laporta stated he entered the building because he had to do work that was approved by his boss at Grady Charters. I could not find any information about the business or owner. He stated he was bloody because he cut his hands with his knife while he was at work. Laporta stated he was given the keys to the building from his boss. But then Laporta charged his story and told me he went into the basement to get alcohol for his friends at the sober house he is living at. Surveillance video apparently showed Laporta rummaging through boxes, then using a broom to open the liquor area. He allegedly took one case of Red Bull, two bottles of Patron Repasado, one bottle of Roco Patorl, one Malibu, a house champagne, two bottles of Montolobo, one bottle of Dulce Vida, a Shaquira Repasado, and more Re Bull. In total, wrote police, Laporta stole $1,729. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Lorne Re: Dye Printers Dear Webby I heard that dye printers print better colors than inkjet. How much do those cost? Lorne Dear Lorne If you have to ask how much they cost, then a dye sublimation printer is not the printer for you. The individual dots produced are better, but the prints are fuzzy, compared to a laser printer. The prints look about the same as old style chemical process photos. Laser and even inkjet printers produce sharper images. Dye printers are usually just special purpose printers for ID badges, drivers licenses, textile, and so on. They are made to print specific media in a specific size, like drivers licenses. You can get them in sizes to print heat transfer pages for t-shirts or cups. Some even print directly onto plastic cups. The dye ribbons are very expensive compared to laser toner. Unless you have a very specific need like ID cards or T- shirts, you are better off getting a decent laser printer. Have FUN! DearWebby Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinsons or Alzheimers? Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle! | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to git cancer? Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true,? Sure is, Patrick. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Yep. And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read? Thats right, said the lawyer.But why are you asking? Well, I was thinkin . . . What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with. ____________________________________________ Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you? My uncle Mick replies Paddy. Whats so special about him? asks Mary. Hes got a boat, says Paddy ____________________________________________ Young man, said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.Its alcohol and alcohol alone thats responsible for your present sorry state! "Im glad to hear you say that, replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.Everybody else says its all my fault! ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ Today, March 17 in 0461 - Bishop Patrick, St. Patrick, died in Saul. Ireland celebrates this day in his honor. 1756 St. Patrick's Day was celebrated in New York City for the first time. The event took place at the Crown and Thistle Tavern. 1766 Britain repealed the Stamp Act that had caused a lot of resentment in the North American colonies. 1776 British forces evacuated from Boston to Nova Scotia during the Revolutionary War. 1868 Postage stamp canceling machine patent was issued. 1884 In Otay, California, John Joseph Montgomery made the first manned, controlled, heavier-than-air glider flight in the United States. 1886 20 Blacks were killed in the Carrollton Massacre in Mississippi. 1891 The British steamer Utopia sank off the coast of Gibraltar. 1901 In Paris, Vincent Van Gogh's paintings were shown at the Bernheim Gallery. 1909 In France, the communications industry was paralyzed by strikes. 1910 The Camp Fire Girls organization was founded by Luther and Charlotte Gulick. It was formally presented to the public exactly 2 years later. 1914 Russia increased the number of active duty military from 460,000 to 1,700,000. 1917 Americas first bowling tournament for ladies began in St. Louis, MO. Almost 100 women participated in the event. 1930 Al Capone was released from jail. 1930 In New York, construction began on the Empire State Building. Excavation at the site began on January 22. 1942 Douglas MacArthur became the Supreme Commander of the Allied forces in the Southwestern Pacific. 1944 During World War II, the U.S. bombed Vienna. 1950 Scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced that they had created a new radioactive element. They named it "californium". It is also known as element 98. 1958 The Vanguard 1 satellite was launched by the U.S. 1959 The Dalai Lama (Lhama Dhondrub, Tenzin Gyatso) fled Tibet and went to India. 1961 The U.S. increased military aid and technicians to Laos. 1962 Moscow asked the U.S. to pull out of South Vietnam. 1966 A U.S. submarine found a missing H-bomb in the Mediterranean off of Spain. 1969 Golda Meir was sworn in as the fourth premier of Israel. 1970 The U.S. Army charged 14 officers with suppression of facts in the My Lai massacre case. 1972 U.S. President Nixon asked Congress to halt busing in order to achieve desegregation. 1973 Twenty were killed in Cambodia when a bomb went off that was meant for the Cambodian President Lon Nol. 1973 The first American prisoners of war (POWs) were released from the "Hanoi Hilton" in Hanoi, North Vietnam. 1982 In El Salvador, four Dutch television crewmembers were killed by government troops. 1985 U.S. President Reagan agreed to a joint study with Canada on acid rain. 1989 A series of solar flares caused a violent magnetic storm that brought power outages over large regions of Canada. 1992 In Buenos Aires, 10 people were killed in a suicide car- bomb attack against the Israeli embassy. 1992 White South Africans approved constitutional reforms to give legal equality to blacks. 1995 Gerry Adams became the first leader of Sinn Fein to be received at the White House. 1998 Washington Mutual announced it had agreed to buy H.F. Ahmanson and Co. for $9.9 billion dollars. The deal created the nation's seventh-largest banking company. 1999 A panel of medical experts concluded that marijuana had medical benefits for people suffering from cancer and AIDS. 1999 The International Olympic Committee expelled six of its members in the wake of a bribery scandal. 2000 In Kanungu, Uganda, a fire at a church linked to the cult known as the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments killed more than 530. On March 31, officials set the number of deaths linked to the cult at more than 900 after authorities subsequently found mass graves at various sites linked to the cult. 2004 NASA's Messenger became the first spacecraft to enter into orbit around Mercury. The probe took more than 270,000 pictures before it crashed into the surface of Mercury on April 30, 2015. 2021 Do smiled.
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