Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, July 22 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Thank you, Rick!! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 22, in 1987, The U.S. began its policy of escorting re-flagged Kuwaiti tankers up and down the Persian Gulf to protect them from possible attack by Iran. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Police K9 catches wanted man hiding in chicken coop __________________________________________________ No human thing is of serious importance. --- Plato (427 BC - 347 BC) As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. --- David Letterman I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. --- Zsa Zsa Gabor _________________________________________________ WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." __________________________________________________ An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots." ___________________________________________________ While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Nicholas Shaun Rohrer, 22, Gwinnet, Georgia, USA Police K9 catches wanted man hiding in chicken coop One of the newest members of the Gwinnett Police Department has apprehended her first wanted suspect this week. The Gwinnett Police say their newest K-9 officer Sika helped them track and take down a man wanted in Barrow County Monday night. According to police, 22-year-old Nicholas Shaun Rohrer of Winder, Georgia, was wanted by the Barrow County Sheriff's Office after he led deputies on a chase for hours. Officials say the chase eventually continued in Gwinnett County, where Rohrer caused a hit and run with multiple injuries on State Route 316 and Drowning Creek - shutting down the road for hours. When the car broke down nearby, police say Rohrer fled on foot. That's when K-9 Sika jumped in and tracked the suspect for 1.6 miles, eventually finding him hiding in an old chicken coop. Rohrer is charged with hit and run resulting in serious injury or death, willful obstruction of law enforcement officers, failure to obey a stop sign, and driving without a valid license. Officials say two other people in the car were also apprehended by the Gwinnett Police's Aviation Unit. _____________________________________________________ A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: David RE: Driver Updates Dear Webby I keep getting these mails telling me my drivers need to be updated. Is that true? David Dear David No, not true at all. That is just a scam. IF, and only IF, one of your devices needs a newer driver, which is extremely unlikely, that device will call for the appropriate driver automatically. An example is if you get a different mouse. It will call and download the appropriate driver, and just that, and nothing else. Just mark those mails as spam or scam. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me, and don't call the one in the third column. That is your mother, lying about her age, and the one on the next page, that is your nutty sister." ___________________________________________________ MOM'S SPECIAL BROWNIES Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't bean him with the burning teddybear on purpose and that yiou didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house bare-ass naked and was heading down the street. Put Jr. in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow fullof straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy Shit, a talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. _____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same down-trodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 22, in 1376, The legend of the Pied Piper of Hamelin leading rats out of town is said to have occurred on this date. 1587, A second English colony was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina. The colony vanished under mysterious circumstances. 1796, Cleveland was founded by General Moses Cleaveland. 1798, The USS Constitution was underway and out to sea for the first time since being launched on October 21, 1797. 1812, English troops under the Duke of Wellington defeated the French at the Battle of Salamanca in Spain. 1926, Babe Ruth caught a baseball at Mitchell Field in New York. The ball had been dropped from an airplane flying at 250 feet. 1933, Wiley Post ended his around-the-world flight. He had traveled 15,596 miles in 7 days, 18 hours and 45 minutes. 1937, The U.S. Senate rejected President Roosevelt's proposal to add more justices to the Supreme Court. 1943, American forces led by General George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily. 1941, Plans for the Pentagon were presented to the House Subcommittee on Appropriations. 1955, U.S. Vice-President Richard M. Nixon chaired a cabinet meeting in Washington, DC. It was the first time that a Vice- President had carried out the task. 1965, "Till Death Us Do Part" debuted on Englands BBC-TV. 1975, Confederate General Robert E. Lee had his U.S. citizenship restored by the U.S. Congress. 1987, The U.S. began its policy of escorting re-flagged Kuwaiti tankers up and down the Persian Gulf to protect them from possible attack by Iran. 1998, Iran tested a medium-range missile, capable of reaching Israel or Saudi Arabia. 2000, Astronomers at the University of Arizona announced that they had found a 17th moon orbiting Jupiter. 2003, In northern Iraq, Saddam Hussein's sons Odai and Qusai died after a gunfight with U.S. forces. 2003, In Paris, France, a fire broke out near the top of the Eiffel Tower. About 4,000 visitors were evacuated and no injuries were reported. 2004, The September 11 commission's final report was released. The 575-page report concluded that hijackers exploited "deep institutional failings within our government." The report was released to White House officials the day before. 2009, The longest total solar eclipse of the 21st century, lasting up to 6 minutes and 38.8 seconds, occurred over parts of Asia and the Pacific Ocean. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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