Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, April 18 Smallblessings.com is for sale: $100 You can use it for anything you want. Offer expires on 4/22/2018 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Controlling bitch, who starved lover, stabbed him, burned him and banned him from bed, sentenced to 7 1/2 years Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, April 18 in 1775 American revolutionaries Paul Revere, William Dawes and Samuel Prescott rode though the towns of Massachusetts giving the warning that the Regulars were coming out. Later, the phrase "the British are coming" was attributed to Revere even though it is unlikely he used that wording. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. --- Fletcher Knebel Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves. --- J. B. Priestley (1894 - 1984) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ "Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow, YAHOO, I'm going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How? With an extra bran muffin?" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Mary River turtle only lives in the Mary River south-eastern Queensland, far west Australia. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE! _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jordan Worth Stewartby, Bedfordshire, England Controlling bitch, who starved lover, stabbed him, burned him and banned him from bed, sentenced to 7 1/2 years This is the controlling girlfriend who carried out a catalogue of abuse against her boyfriend including depriving him of food and banning him from her bed. Jordan Worth, 22, took advantage of her vulnerable boyfriend but is now serving a seven-and-a-half-year prison sentence. Luton Crown Court heard that she: Stabbed him Poured boiling water on him Took control of his Facebook page Banned him from their bed Told him what clothes he should wear Hit him with blunt objects Failed to help him get hospital treatment The couple met in 2012 when they were both 16 years old, but from the beginning she started to control him. It started with telling him what he should wear and eventually she took control of his Facebook telling him which friends he could see and when. Most of the abuse took place at their home in Stewartby, Bedfordshire, where she wouldn't allow him into their bed for nine months. Worth's boyfriend was vulnerable as a result of a build-up of water on his brain Luton Crown Court was told that the victim, who is not being identified, suffered from hydrocephalus, which is caused by a build-up of fluid inside the skull and made him vulnerable. The bullying culminated in her using objects to strike him, wounding him with a knife and then failing to get him any medical help. Her ex-boyfriend's misery came to an end in June when neighbours called police to the couple's home in the early hours after hearing shouting. The ambulance crew noted injuries to his hand, burns to arms and legs that were being self-treated with cling film. There was also cling film round his ankles, and a hand wound that was bleeding. He was taken to hospital where it was discovered he had second and third degree burns that left permanent scarring and '5 per cent of his total body surface was scalded.' Neighbours added they had often heard the couple arguing and the victim was seen on occasions with black eyes, a limp and with his arm in sling. During one incident Worth was seen at window 'armed' with a screwdriver or hammer, the court was told. Worth was later arrested and admitted charges of controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship, wounding with intent and causing grievous bodily harm with intent. The court heard university graduate Worth, who is now in a new relationship, had two sides and came from a loving and supportive family and had previously carried out voluntary work. She was made the subject of a restraining order which prevents her from contacting her ex for an indefinite period. Worth had discouraged her former partner from contacting his family during the abusive relationship. Judge Nic Madge said: 'She accepts that she has in the past, on a number of occasions, used blunt objects and implements to strike him and that he suffered injuries as a result of her doing so. 'She admits using boiling or hot water to cause injury to him.' ----------------- Hydrocephalus is making life quite miserable. I know. Sudden movements, jumping, running, even turning the head quickly, or sneezing and coughing, all cause a stabbing headache so bad, it makes you flinch. I know. I had it from grade 3 on, after a teacher shot a soccer ball at my head with full power, when I did not pay attention in Phys Ed. Surprisingly, when I had an aneurism in my early 30's, during the operation they poured heavy antibiotics into my skull and fixed the perforated and inflamed meninges. The Hydrocephalus was defeated and I have not had any recurrence. I DO sympathize with the poor guy. Living with Hydrocephalus is more than hard enough. I learned one thing, though: High altitude reduces the pain. That is why I spent every weekend in the mountains. DearWebby Tech Support Pits From: Latreesha Re: Don't use the word "Slave" Using the word Slave is racist and not acceptable in a legitimate publication. Latreesha Dear Latreesha, just because YOU are a racist, that does not mean people can't use the word "Slave" in the way it has been used for many thousands of years BEFORE your ancestors got an all expense paid cruise to America. Slaves are mentioned in the Old Testament and the Torah and in ancient Egyptian and Greek writings. 650,000 Republicans died fighting for freeing the slaves in America, so take your nonsense and stuff it where the sun don't shine! When it comes to hard drives, there is no other word suitable to identify and describe the relation between Master drive and Slave drive, and nobody with an IQ bigger than what a squashed toad has, will ever consider changing that. The Master drive is the boot-up and main drive, that launches the operating system, which then controls all the Slave Drives. Have FUN DearWebby Classic! NEW POLICY IN HEAVEN It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing Could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. >From Dale I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate. "Why do you ask?" I responded. "Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this address last week." Then she paused while she kicked the 911 floor button a few times, and then continued: "and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Breaking Up a Dog Fight The best way to break up a dog fight is to throw water on the dogs. This will usually startle the dogs enough to stop the fighting. Breaking up a dog fight with your hands can be very dangerous as you are liable to get bit or scratched. When I go to the dog park I bring a half gallon tupperware container full of water. It's been enough to break up any altercation between dogs. Most dog parks have a faucet so I can refill it if I need to. By Deb Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn!" | The Great Raft of The Red River |
___________________________________________________ As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. We decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren going, I questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, April 18 in 1521 Martin Luther confronted the emperor Charles V in the Diet of Worms and refused to retract his views that led to his excommunication. 1676 Sudbury, Massachusetts, was attacked by Indians. 1775 American revolutionaries Paul Revere, William Dawes and Samuel Prescott rode though the towns of Massachusetts giving the warning that the Regulars were coming out. Later, the phrase "the British are coming" was attributed to Revere even though it is unlikely he used that wording. 1791 National Guardsmen prevented Louis XVI and his family from leaving Paris. 1818 A regiment of Indians and blacks were defeated at the Battle of Suwann, in Florida, ending the first Seminole War. 1846 The telegraph ticker was patented by R.E. House 1847 U.S. troops defeated almost 17,000 Mexican soldiers commanded by Santa Anna at Cerro Gordo. (Mexican-American War) 1853 The first train in Asia began running from Bombay to Tanna. 1861 Colonel Robert E. Lee turned down an offer to command the Union armies during the U.S. Civil War. 1877 Charles Cros wrote a paper that described the process of recording and reproducing sound. In France, Cros is regarded as the inventor of the phonograph. In the U.S., Thomas Edison gets the credit. 1895 New York State passed an act that established free public baths. 1906 San Francisco, CA, was hit with an earthquake. The original death toll was cited at about 700. Later information indicated that the death toll may have been 3 to 4 times the original estimate. 1910 Walter R. Brookins made the first airplane flight at night. 1924 Simon and Schuster, Inc. published the first "Crossword Puzzle Book." 1934 The first Laundromat opened in Fort Worth, TX. 1937 Leon Trotsky called for the overthrow of Soviet leader Josef Stalin. 1938 Superman made his debut when he appeared in the first issue of Action Comics. (Cover date June 1938) 1942 James H. Doolittle and his squadron, from the USS Hornet, raided Tokyo and other Japanese cities. 1942 The Vichy government capitulated to Adolf Hitler and invited Pierre Laval to form a new government in France. 1943 Traveling in a bomber, Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, was shot down by American P-38 fighters. 1945 American war correspondent Ernie Pyle was killed by Japanese gunfire on the Pacific island of Ie Shima, off Okinawa. He was 44 years old. 1946 The League of Nations was dissolved. 1949 The Republic of Ireland was established. 1950 The first transatlantic jet passenger trip was completed. 1954 Colonel Gamal Abdel Nasser seized power in Egypt. 1956 Actress Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier of Monaco were married. The religious ceremony took place April 19. 1960 The Mutual Broadcasting System was sold to the 3M Company of Minnesota for $1.25 million. 1978 The U.S. Senate approved the transfer of the Panama Canal to Panama on December 31, 1999. 1980 Rhodesia became the independent nation of Zimbabwe. 1983 The U.S. Embassy in Beirut was blown up by a suicide car-bomber. 63 people were killed including 17 Americans. 1984 Daredevils Mike MacCarthy and Amanda Tucker made a sky dive from the Eiffel Tower. The jump ended safely. 1985 Ted Turner filed for a hostile takeover of CBS. 1989 Thousands of Chinese students demanding democracy tried to storm Communist Party headquarters in Beijing. 1999 Wayne Gretzky (New York Rangers) played his final game in the NHL. He retired as the NHL's all-time leading scorer and holder of 61 individual records. 2002 Actor Robert Blake and his bodyguard were arrested in connection with the shooting death of Blake's wife about a year before. 2002 The Amtrack Auto Train derailed in a remote area of north Florida. Four people were killed and 133 were injured. 2002 The city legislature of Berlin decided to make Marlene Dietrich an honorary citizen. Dietrich had gone to the United States in 1930. She refused to return to Germany after Adolf Hitler came to power. 2018 Do smiled. |
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