Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, January 8 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award 1908 A catastrophic train collision occurred in the smoke- filled Park Avenue Tunnel in New York City. Seventeen were killed and thirty-eight were injured. The accident caused a public outcry and increased demand for electric trains.  ___________________________________________________ Today, January 7 in 1908 A catastrophic train collision occurred in the smoke- filled Park Avenue Tunnel in New York City. Seventeen were killed and thirty-eight were injured. The accident caused a public outcry and increased demand for electric trains. _____________________________________________________ The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) _____________________________________________________ >From Dr Moe Church Squirrel Infestations The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with Gods divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water- slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Gods creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They havent seen a squirrel since. _____________________________________________________   Polar Fox ___________________________________________________ HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL - 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head ust visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL - 1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor. __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Joshua Halstead, 34, Jacquellyn Arthur, 28, Wichita, Kansas, USA  Suspects of Dec. 29 deadly shooting arrested  The Sedgwick County Sheriff's Office says the suspects of a deadly shooting on Dec. 29 have been arrested. The sheriff's office said it located 34-year-old Joshua Halstead and 28-year-old Jacquellyn Arthur Wednesday morning in the 4300 block of St. Louis Street. Halstead and Arthur have been booked at the Sedgwick County Detention facility on two counts of first-degree murder and one count of aggravated robbery. Halstead and Arthur were people of interest in the shooting that killed 43-year-old Bradley Reece and 22-year-old Kayla Schmidt.  
 DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Jessie Re: Does Crap Cleaner work on Android?  Dear Webby, Good morning from Texas. I've use d crap cleaner on my computer for years and love it. I'm too old to be able to keep up with technology. Can I use it on an Android phone? I know several steps to use to clean the phone up, but 1 click with CC is so much quicker. Thanks for all that I do know about this stuff. Jessie  Dear Jesse I don't have a SillyPhone, so I googled about it. Yes, CrapCleaner apparently can clean up your Android phone. Have FUN! DearWebby 
 My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." 
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 A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a liberals gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' She thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ____________________________________________ This is ancient. Some of that is from the days of DOS, when you were still jail nait. COMPUTER ONE LINERS DIVORCE.BAT found....deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE Hard Disk space: the final frontier! Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C: I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am logged in, therefore I am. I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC. I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking? In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed Intel - still number 0.999873464508. ISDN: I Still Don't kNow ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups. Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready. Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce. Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections. Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources. One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K. Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}\-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. Real programs don't eat cache. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface... Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. System halted. Press Enter key to continue. System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue. System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __ The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The name is Baud... James Baud. ____________________________________________ WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN...... A goldfish and a mountain goat ? One mucks around in fountains. A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ? One is used for cunning stunts. A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ? One shoots but can't hit. A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ? One sucks and sucks and never fails. Caucus and cactus ? One has the pricks on the outside. A girl in church and a girl in the bath ? One has a soul full of hope. A war horse and a draught horse ? One darts into the fray. Your girlfriend and your bank account ? Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal. A good girl and a nice girl ? A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers. ____________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ___________________________________________________  
 Today Jan 8 in 1642 Astronomer Galileo Galilei died in Arcetri, Italy. 1675 The first corporation was chartered in the United States. The company was the New York Fishing Company. 1815 The Battle of New Orleans began. The War of 1812 had officially ended on December 24, 1814, with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. The news of the signing had not reached British troops in time to prevent their attack on New Orleans. 1838 Alfred Vail demonstrated a telegraph code he had devised using dots and dashes as letters. The code was the predecessor to Samuel Morse's code. 1856 Borax (hydrated sodium borate) was discovered by Dr. John Veatch. 1877 Crazy Horse (Tashunca-uitco) and his warriors fought their final battle against the U.S. Cavalry in Montana. 1886 The Severn Railway Tunnel, Britain's longest, was opened. 1889 The tabulating machine was patented by Dr. Herman Hollerith. His firm, Tabulating Machine Company, later became International Business Machines Corporation (IBM). 1900 U.S. President McKinley placed Alaska under military rule. 1900 In South Africa, General White turned back the Boers attack of Ladysmith. 1908 A catastrophic train collision occurred in the smoke- filled Park Avenue Tunnel in New York City. Seventeen were killed and thirty-eight were injured. The accident caused a public outcry and increased demand for electric trains. 1916 During World War I, the final withdrawal of Allied troops from Gallipoli took place. 1935 The spectrophotometer was patented by A.C. Hardy. 1958 Bobby Fisher, at the age of 14, won the United States Chess Championship for the first time. 1959 Charles De Gaulle was inaugurated as president of France's Fifth Republic. 1962 Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa was exhibited in America for the first time at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC. The next day the exhibit opened to the public. 1973 The trial opened in Washington, of seven men accused of bugging Democratic Party headquarters in the Watergate apartment complex in Washington, DC. 1982 American Telephone & Telegraph (AT&T) settled the Justice Department's antitrust lawsuit against it by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies. 1982 The U.S. Justice Department withdrew an antitrust suit against IBM. 1992 U.S. President George H.W. Bush collapsed during a state dinner in Tokyo. White House officials said Bush was suffering from stomach flu. 1993 Bosnian President Izetbegovic visited the U.S. to plead his government's case for Western military aid and intervention to halt Serbian aggression. 1994 Tonya Harding won the ladies' U.S. Figure Skating Championship in Detroit, MI, a day after Nancy Kerrigan dropped out because of a clubbing attack that injured her right knee. The U.S. Figure Skating Association later took the title from Harding because of her involvement in the attack. 1998 Ramzi Yousef was sentenced to life in prison for his role of mastermind behind the World Trade Center bombing in New York. 1998 Scientists announced that they had discovered that galaxies were accelerating and moving apart and at faster speeds. 1999 The top two executives of Salt Lake City's Olympic Organizing Committee resigned amid disclosures that civic boosters had given cash to members of the International Olympic Committee. 2009 In Egypt, archeologists entered a 4,300 year old pyramid and discovered the mummy of Queen Sesheshet. 2021 Do smiled. 
 

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