Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, July 29 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Woman, 23, arrested after $2 million in liquid meth found in her car with 4-year-old Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, July 29 in 1914 The first transcontinental telephone service was inaugurated when two people held a conversation between New York, NY and San Francisco, CA. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ A poem is never finished, only abandoned. --- Paul Valery (1871 - 1945) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, "Take a sweater." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ >From Katie, apparently true occurrence: Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC: There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (twentyish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Syria?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your stupid ass, and open it!" ______________________________________________________ Donegal, Ireland _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Seline Lizbeth Ayala, 23, Laredo, Texas Woman, 23, arrested after $2 million in liquid meth found in her car with 4-year-old A speeding driver's suspicious behavior during a late night traffic stop tipped off officers that there might be more to the situation that meets the eye, so they called in a sniffer dog. Austin police say their K9 unit, Emma, arrived to the scene in the 5400 block of North Interstate 35 last Wednesday and alerted her handler to the presence of drugs in the vehicle. Officers searched the SUV and found three jugs of Purple Power degreaser. Except, police say those jugs contained about $2 million worth of liquid crystal methamphetamine (about 75 pounds) instead of degreaser. The driver, Seline Lizbeth Ayala, 23 of Laredo, was arrested and faces federal drug trafficking charges. Austin police say there was also a 4-year-old in the car as well. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Honor Re: Do Not Call registry Dear Webby, Do you happen to have among your famous facts, the information I need to get on the US 'don't call, don't email' list? I've moved fairly recently and haven't gotten signed up for that on my new numbers and addresses. I hope it isn't too late to do this! I always read your tips...don't always understand them... but some I just print off for future reference, like after I'm smarter! Thanks for all you do for your subscribers! Honor Dear Honor The US DO-NOT-CALL registry is at https://www.donotcall.gov/default.aspx There is no Do-NOT-EMAIL registry. Just use MailWasher, and nuke the mail from the bastids, unseen, like most of us do. Have FUN! DearWebby A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said. "On what grounds?" he asked. "Desertion, sir," she said. "Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children. "Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Pen Ink From Leaking in Your Purse A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?" ____________________________________________________ | | When you can walk away from this, you know there's a purpose for your life! |
____________________________________________________ A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!" ___________________________________________________ | | Being a storm chaser has to be exciting with a big adrenalin rush. Check out some of his other photos. |
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Kati for bringing back this classic: "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ The surrogate and the photographer The Heberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out!" Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me." Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But! if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...." Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." (Wife muttering)- "Don't I know it." The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." Wife - "Oh my goodness!" Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Wife - "She was difficult?" Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement). Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your.....equipment?" Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Wife - "Tripod?" photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!" ____________________________________________________ | Today, on July 29, in 1588 The English defeated the Spanish Armada in the Battle of Gravelines. 1754 The first international boxing match was held. The 25- minute match was won when Jack Slack of Britain knocked out Jean Petit from France. 1773 The first schoolhouse to be located west of the Allegheny Mountains was built in Schoenbrunn, OH. 1874 Major Walter Copton Winfield of England received U.S. patent for the lawn-tennis court. 1914 The first transcontinental telephone service was inaugurated when two people held a conversation between New York, NY and San Francisco, CA. 1940 John Sigmund of St. Louis, MO, completed a 292-mile swim down the Mississippi River. The swim from St. Louis to Caruthersville, MO took him 89 hours and 48 minutes. 1950 Disney's adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson's "Treasure Island" was released. 1957 The International Atomic Energy Agency was established. 1958 The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by the U.S. Congress. 1968 Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's stance against artificial methods of birth control. 1975 OAS (Organization of American States) members voted to lift collective sanctions against Cuba. The U.S. government welcomed the action and announced its intention to open serious discussions with Cuba on normalization. 1981 England's Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married. 1985 General Motors announced that Spring Hill, TN, would be the home of the Saturn automobile assembly plant. 1993 The Israeli Supreme Court acquitted retired Ohio autoworker John Demjanjuk of being Nazi death camp guard "Ivan the Terrible." His death sentence was thrown out and he was set free. 1997 Minamata Bay in Japan was declared free of mercury 40 years after contaminated food fish were blamed for deaths and birth defects. 1998 The United Auto Workers union ended a 54-day strike against General Motors. The strike caused $2.8 billion in lost revenues. 2005 Astronomers announced that they had discovered a new planet (Xena) larger than Pluto in orbit around the sun. 2017 Do smiled. |
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