Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, August 8 I usually work to about 4:30 AM. No friend ever calls me at 7. Ring, Ring, Ring Yellow! "Can I talk to the owner.." NO! "I need to talk to the own.." NO! "Why not?" He does not talk to child molesters! "I need to talk to the own.." That's YOUR problem. "But.." Up YOUR butt. Click. Some people seem to want to get early morning insults. Legitimate buinesses use email, not half baked telemarketers. If they want to communicate with me, THEY will have to adapt. Not me. Us old farts tend to get quite ornery when woken up too early! _____________________________________________________ Today, August 8 in  1899 - The refrigerator was patented by A.T. Marshall. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ 
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 Today's Bonehead Award: While handcuffed in cop car, woman snorted drug retrieved from body cavity  _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  _______________________________________________ Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. --- Bill Cosby (1937 - ) _____________________________________________________ A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!" ______________________________________________________`   Thanks to Trish for the Long Stranded Roller _____________________________________________________ 
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 ___________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor:  An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Kathryn Ahlers, 28, Winchester, Kentucky  While handcuffed in cop car, woman snorted drug retrieved from body cavity  While handcuffed behind her back in the rear of a Kentucky squad car, a suspect removed a bag of narcotics from her vagina and snorted the white powder inside, according to police who arrested the woman on drug possession and other charges. Responding to a report about an intoxicated couple preparing to drive a car, cops in Winchester, a city 20 miles east of Lexington, encountered Kathryn Ahlers, 28, and her boyfriend outside a vehicle on Main Street around 11:30 PM Friday. According to a court citation, Ahlers was attempting to remove her toddler from a car seat, but was unsteady on her feet. Ahlers, whose speech was slurred, told police that she and her companion became lost en route to Cincinnati from Lexington. Cops noted that Ahlers had no food for the child, whose diaper and unfastened car seat were saturated with urine. Upon determining that Ahlers's 17-month-old son could not be properly cared for since his mother was manifestly under the influence and a danger to herself and others, a Winchester Police Department officer arrested Ahlers around 2 AM Saturday and placed her in his cruiser. Pictured above, Ahlers was handcuffed behind her back when she somehow pulled a clear plastic baggie from her vagina cavity and dumped some white substance on the seat. Ahlers then began to inhale it through her nose. Ahlers was subsequently removed from the cop car, but not before she "again hid the drug." Warned that she would face an additional charge if found in possession of narcotics inside the local jail, Ahlers then revealed the substance from between her legs. Ahlers was charged with endangering the welfare of a minor, public intoxication, tampering with physical evidence, and possession of a controlled substance. The citation does not specify what drug was possessed by Ahlers, who is scheduled today for arraignment in District Court.  
 DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Moe Re: Digital Zoom  Dear Webby, how important is the digital zoom on cameras? Is it worth considering when choosing a camera? Moe  Dear Moe Knowing how much digital zoom a camera has, is exactly as important to know as the free fall speed of a donut. Digital zoom uses the center part of the picture, after it has been shot, stretches it to full size and fills the gaps between the pixels with fluff. The picture winds up looking fuzzy and coarse. If you want to expand a picture, you can do a much better job with PSP or Photoshop. The better cameras let you lock out digital zoom, so that you will NEVER, not even accidentally, use it. The only zoom that counts is optical zoom. Have FUN! DearWebby 
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 An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, " I'm going in the other room to get my teef!" 
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 A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray. "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I begetting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!" ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com What to Do with Leftovers If you have lots of leftovers you may want to freeze them rather than trying to consume them all before they go bad. You can do this with breads, cookies and other baked goods as well as meats and cheeses. Also consider sharing some with those whose families were not with them during the holidays. thriftyfun.Com  ____________________________________________________   
  
The Pisonia Tree Lures and Murders Birds for No Good Reason 
 ___________________________________________________ A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep. ___________________________________________________ A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday the minister asked for a show of hands to indicate how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ___________________________________________________ There's a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain." --- Craig Ferguson >From Ed My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey." __________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
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 Today, August 8 in 1356 Edward "the Black Prince" began a raid north from Aquitaine. 1815 Napoleon Bonaparte set sail for St. Helena, in the South Atlantic. The remainder of his life was spent there in exile. 1844 After the killing of Joseph Smith on June 27, Bringham Young was chosen to lead the Mormons. 1876 Thomas Edison received a patent for the mimeograph. The mimeograph was a "method of preparing autographic stencils for printing." 1899 The refrigerator was patented by A.T. Marshall. 1911 The number of representatives in the U.S. House of Representatives was established at 435. There was one member of Congress for every 211,877 residents. 1940 The German Luftwaffe began a series of daylight air raids on Great Britain. 1945 The United Nations Charter was signed by U.S. President Truman. 1945 At the end of World War II the Soviet Union declared war on Japan. 1950 Whataburger opened its restaurant in Corpus Christi, TX. 1953 The U.S. and South Korea initiated a mutual security pact. 1956 Japan launched an oil tanker that was 780 feet long and weighed 84,730 tons. It was the largest oil tanker in the world. 1966 Michael DeBakey became the first surgeon to install an artificial heart pump in a patient. 1974 U.S. President Nixon announced that he would resign the following day. 1978 The U.S. launched Pioneer Venus II, which carried scientific probes to study the atmosphere of Venus. 1988 It was announced that a cease-fire between Iraq and Iran had begun. 1989 The space shuttle Columbia took off from Cape Canaveral, FL. The trip was said to be a secret five-day military mission. 1990 American forces began positioning in Saudia Arabia. 1991 John McCarthy, a British TV producer, was released by his Lebanese kidnappers. He had been held captive for more than five years. A rival group abducted Jerome Leyraud in retaliation and threatened to kill him if any more hostages were released. 1991 The U.N. Security Council approved North and South Korea for membership. 1994 The first road link between Israel and Jordan opened. 1994 Representatives from China and Taiwan signed a cooperation agreement. 1995 Saddam Hussein's two eldest daughters, their husbands, and several senior army officers defected. 2000 The submarine H.L. Hunley was raised from ocean bottom after 136 years. The sub had been lost during an attack on the U.S.S. Housatonic in 1864. The Hunley was the first submarine in history to sink a warship. 2019 Do smiled.