Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, March 4 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! _________________________________ Today in March 4, in 1904 In Korea, Russian troops retreated toward the Manchurian border as 100,000 Japanese troops advanced. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award After Allegedly Shooting Wife, Florida Car Salesman Now Out On Bond ___________________________________________________ I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. --- Walt Disney (1901 - 1966) ___________________________________________________ A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit." The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!" To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots." ___________________________________________________ A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. The boy replied: "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us." ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ The boy replied: "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us." ================================================ A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" __________________________________________________ By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where. If I have to drive another mile, I'll wind up on a phone pole or in the ditch!" "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it. I'm tired enough I won't hear a tornado siren." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, cutie,' and he sat bolt upright all night watching me like a hawk!." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Darius Ashley, DELRAY BEACH, Florida, USA After Allegedly Shooting Wife, Car Salesman Now Out On Bond Darius Ashley, Sales Manger At Ed Morse Toyota, Out Of Jail After Allegedly Shooting Wife At Alta Apartments In Delray Beach. Defense Attorney Told Judge That Ashley Will Continue To Work, And Mentor At Risk Kids. The Ed Morse Toyota Sales Manager accused of shooting his wife in the parking lot of the Alta Apartments on Congress Avenue is now free. Darius Ashley was released on $250,000 bond. He must now wear an ankle bracelet. He may have no contact with the woman he allegedly shot. She remains in critical condition. Ashley was arrested on February 20th and charged with attempted second degree murder with a firearm after apparently becoming so upset that his wife with another man that he shot her. Ashley then took his wife to Delray Medical Center and, according to a police report, claimed to a nurse that he and his wife were the victims of a robbery. He fled the hospital but a Delray Beach Police Officer, at the hospital on another matter, immediately started to investigate the claim. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Kim Re: Desktop Dear Webby I'm the OTHER Kim! My problem is that W10 messes up my desktop every time W10 crashes. Is there a fix for that? It never did that on W7. Kim Dear Kim Yes, there is. It is called Desktop Restore Have FUN! DearWebby "A fossil is an extinct animal. 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_____________________________________________ The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but definitely not the same ones." ______________________________________________ A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgressions. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest. "I stole some lumber Father," replied the penitent. "How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest. "Well, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice, new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!" The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom, 4-bath home!" With a look of shock, the priest then responded, "Well, that is quite serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena." The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber." (for those of you who don't know, a novena is a rather long sequence of prayers) ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer frantically struggling to load hay back onto a cart from where it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." ___________________________________________________ | Today, March 4, in 1634 Samuel Cole opened the first tavern in Boston, MA. 1681 England's King Charles II granted a charter to William Penn for an area that later became the state of Pennsylvania. 1766 The British Parliament repealed the Stamp Act, which had caused bitter and violent opposition in the U.S. colonies. 1778 The Continental Congress voted to ratify the Treaty of Amity and Commerce and the Treaty of Alliance. The two treaties were the first entered into by the U.S. government. 1789 The first Congress of the United States met in New York and declared that the U.S. Constitution was in effect. 1813 The Russians fighting against Napoleon reached Berlin. The French garrison evacuated the city without a fight. 1826 The first railroad in the U.S. was chartered. It was the Granite Railway in Quincy, MA. 1861 The Confederate States of America adopted the "Stars and Bars" flag. 1877 Emile Berliner invented the microphone. 1880 Halftone engraving was used for the first time when the "Daily Graphic" was published in New York City. 1881 Eliza Ballou Garfield became the first mother of a U.S. President to live in the executive mansion. 1904 In Korea, Russian troops retreated toward the Manchurian border as 100,000 Japanese troops advanced. 1908 The New York board of education banned the act of whipping students in school. 1908 France notified signatories of Algeciras that it would send troops to Chaouia, Morocco. 1914 Dr. Gustave Le Fillatre successfully separated three- month-old Siamese twins. One of the twins died four days later. 1917 Jeanette Rankin of Montana took her seat as the first woman elected to the House of Representatives. 1933 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt gave his inauguration speech in which he said "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself." 1933 Labor Secretary Frances Perkins became the first woman to serve in a Presidential administrative cabinet. 1947 France and Britain signed an alliance treaty. 1952 Ronald Reagan and Nancy Davis were married. 1954 In Boston, Peter Bent Brigham Hospital reported the first successful kidney transplant. 1975 Queen Elizabeth knighted Charlie Chaplin. 1991 Sheik Saad al-Jaber al-Sabah, the prime minister of Kuwait, returned to his country for the first time since Iraq's invasion. 1998 Microsoft repaired software that apparently allowed hackers to shut down computers in government and university offices nationwide. 1998 The U.S. Supreme Court said that federal law banned on- the-job sexual harassment even when both parties are the same sex. 1999 Monica Lewinsky's book about her affair with U.S. President Clinton went on sale in the U.S. 2002 Canada banned human embryo cloning but permitted government-funded scientists to use embryos left over from fertility treatment or abortions. 2012 Vladimir Putin won re-election in Russia's presidential election. 2022 Do smiled. |
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