Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, March 12 ___________________________________________________ Today, March 12 in 1994 The Church of England ordained its first women priests. ______________________________________________________ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. [info][add][mail][note]Jay Leno (1950 - ) | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Man Accused of Shoving Dad Off Cliff, Laughing as He FellMan Accused of Shoving Dad Off Cliff, Laughing as He Fell __________________________________________ A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "Socks!" __________________________________________ Thanks to Linda for sending this picture: __________________________________________ Did you hear about the first woman to smoke? Note ref: King James Gensis 24:64 And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Issac, she lighted off the camel. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Gerald McCants, 49, Austin, Texas Man Accused of Shoving Dad Off Cliff, Laughing as He Fell Gerald McCants reportedly lured his elderly father to cliff's edge with talk of a rattlesnake A Texas man is accused of luring his elderly father to the edge of a cliff, then shoving him off, laughing as the man fell. Per an arrest affidavit, the 78-year-old father of Gerald McCants, 49, told Austin cops his son returned to the home they share around 8:30am Sunday, "excited" by a rattlesnake he'd found, FOX 7 Austin reports. The affidavit notes the men got into a car and drove about a half-mile, and that McCants then cajoled his father to the cliff's edge, which was several yards off the roadside. The elderly man told authorities that as he approached the edge looking for the snake, his son pushed him on his side, sending him over the edge. The younger man could allegedly be heard laughing as his father fell about 40 feet through thick vegetation. Austin-Travis County EMS estimates the plunge was more like 50 feet. It's not clear who called authorities. Although medics on the scene initially reported McCants' father suffered only minor injuriesincluding deep cuts to his forehead and back of his head, as well as multiple cuts and scrapes all over his bodyan update later suggested his injuries were more serious, and he was taken to a local medical center under a "trauma alert," KXAN reports. McCants, who was arrested and charged with third-degree felony injury to an elderly person, was booked into the Travis County Jail, with his bond set at $20,000. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Irene Re: Laptop or desktop Dear Webby, Which is better, a laptop or a desktop? Irene Dear Irene The question should be, which is better FOR YOU? If you do your work in a coffee shop or park bench, then of course a laptop is better for you. If you always work in the same office, and like big monitors, then a desktop is better for you. Sure, you can add ONE big monitor to your small laptop, but with a desktop, you can have TWO big monitors. If you do accounting and always run out of space and have to scroll and slide your spreadsheet, or wish you could have two spreadsheets open side by side, then a desktop is better for you. With a desktop you can have two identical monitors side by side, and have either one spreadsheet smoothly extending over two monitors, or have different ones side by side. For example, you can have one monitor showing your weekly or monthly data, and copy paste them onto the annual data on the other. If you are screaming: "Yeah, THAT is what I need!", then get a desktop and two identical 16" monitors. If none of that makes sense and you just want to go to the coffee shop and do your mail and chat, then get a laptop. The cost is about the same. A desktop and two monitors costs the same as a laptop. Don't worry about how long they will last. Microsoft will soon come out with a new version of Windows, that will make machines built for the current version too slow for work. Right now, for example, even though nobody except for the computer vendors wanted a new version, they came out with W10, which is a real snail when run on a Windows7 machine. They will keep doing that, and in a few years you will need to buy a new machine. Just get what is best for you now, and don't worry about Windows12 just yet. Have FUN! DearWebby
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____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?" The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, the pastor thinks, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can. The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls right into the water. While he's splashing around the first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the tree stumps are?" _____________________________________________ A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out." ____________________________________________ Top 10 ways to torment a telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." 9. If they say they're John doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends.....would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! " Say goodbye and hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Now for my four methods for dealing with telemarketers: a) "Send me an email. I am deaf. Send me an email. I am deaf. Send me an email. I am deaf." Click. b) I let my little Squeaky-Duck answer. "Squeeak Sqweeeeek Squeek-Squeek-Squeeeeek!!!" c) "Are youuu a TELEMARKETER?" in the tone and volume as if I had asked if he or she was a child molester. d) Click. ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today March 12 in 1496 Jews were expelled from Syria. 1609 The Bermuda Islands became an English colony. 1664 New Jersey became a British colony. King Charles II granted land in the New World to his brother James (The Duke of York). 1755 In North Arlington, NJ, the steam engine was used for the first time in America. 1809 Britain signed a treaty with Persia forcing the French to leave the country. 1884 The State of Mississippi authorized the first state- supported college for women. It was called the Mississippi Industrial Institute and College. 1889 Almon B. Stowger applied for a patent for his automatic telephone system. 1894 Coca-Cola was sold in bottles for the first time. 1903 The Czar of Russia issued a decree providing for nominal freedom of religion throughout his territory. 1905 In Rome, Premier Giovanni Giolli was forced out of office by continued civil strife. 1906 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that corporations must yield incriminating evidence in anti-trust suits. 1909 The British Parliament increased naval appropriations for Britain. 1909 Three U.S. warships were ordered to Nicaragua to stem the conflict with El Salvador. 1911 Dr. Fletcher of Rockefeller Institute discovered the cause of infantile paralysis. 1912 The Girl Scout organization was founded. The original name was Girl Guides. 1923 Dr. Lee DeForest demonstrated phonofilm. It was his technique for putting sound on motion picture film. 1930 Ghandi began his 200-mile march to the sea that symbolized his defiance of British rule over India. 1933 President Paul von Hindenburg dropped the flag of the German Republic and ordered that the swastika and empire banner be flown side by side. 1935 Parimutuel betting became legal in the State of Nebraska. 1938 The "Anschluss" took place as German troops invaded Austria. 1940 Finland surrendered to Russia ending the Russo-Finnish War. 1944 Britain barred all travel to Ireland. 1947 U.S. President Truman established the "Truman Doctrine" to help Greece and Turkey resist Communism. 1959 The U.S. House joined the U.S. Senate in approving the statehood of Hawaii. 1966 Bobby Hull, of the Chicago Blackhawks, became the first National Hockey League (NHL) player to score 51 points in a single season. 1985 The U.S. and the U.S.S.R. began arms control talks in Geneva. 1985 Former U.S. President Richard M. Nixon announced that he planned to drop Secret Service protection and hire his own bodyguards in an effort to lower the deficit by $3 million. 1989 Prime Minister Sadiq al Mahdi of Sudan formed a new cabinet to end civil war. 1989 About 2,500 veterans and supporters marched at the Art Institute of Chicago to demand that officials remove an American flag placed on the floor as part of an exhibit. 1992 Mauritius became a republic but remained a member of the British Commonwealth. 1993 In the U.S., the Pentagon called for the closure of 31 major military bases. 1993 Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female U.S. attorney general. 1994 A photo by Marmaduke Wetherell of the Loch Ness monster was confirmed to be a hoax. The photo was taken of a toy submarine with a head and neck attached. 1994 The Church of England ordained its first women priests. 1998 Astronomers cancelled a warning that a mile-wide asteroid might collide with Earth saying that calculations had been off by 600,000 miles. 1999 Hungary, Poland and the Czech Republic became members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). All three countries were members of the former Warsaw Pact. 2002 U.S. homeland security chief Tom Ridge unveiled a color-coded system for terror warnings. 2002 Conoco and Phillips Petroleum stockholders approved a proposed merger worth $15.6 billion. 2003 In Utah, Elizabeth Smart was reunited with her family nine months after she was abducted from her home. She had been taken on June 5, 2002, by a drifter that had previously worked at the Smart home. 2003 The U.S. Air Force announced that it would resume reconnaissance flights off the coast of North Korea. The flights had stopped on March 2 after an encounter with four armed North Korean jets. 2009 It was announced that the Sears Tower in Chicago, IL, would be renamed Willis Tower. After the terrorist attacks on 9/11 Sears, which is considered to be Jewish by most Arabs, got scared and left. 2020 Do smiled. |
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