Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, March 20 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ DUI Perp Had Vodka Stash in Bra ___________________________________________________ Today, March 20 in 1969 U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy called on the U.S. to close all bases in Taiwan. ____________________________________________________ Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. --- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) ____________________________________________________ An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife." ____________________________________________________ One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs. I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. "What's wrong?" I asked. Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation. "The repairs were to the other side," I noted. ____________________________________________________ Tariq Javed ___________________________________________________ A scientist from Texas A&M University had invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and also keeps their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in or when they get aroused. At the announcement of the new invention, the scientist was dragged outside by a large group of Texans and had the shit kicked out of him and tied up riding a fence gate top rail. __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brandi Stanley, 31, Lady Lake, Florida, USA DUI Perp Had Vodka Stash in Bra After transporting a Florida Woman to jail following her arrest on DUI charges at a McDonalds drive-thru, cops discovered that she had an eight-pack of vodka stuffed in her bra, according to an arrest report. Responding to a 911 call about a drunk female that is driving all over the drive thru, police Monday night found Brandi Stanley, 31, behind the wheel of a Pontiac SUV idling outside the McDonalds in Lady Lake, a town about 60 miles from Orlando. Stanley, who had been eating in the vehicle, smelled of alcohol, had glassy eyes, and her face was flushed, an officer noted. Additionally, when Stanley exited her car at the cops request, she swayed from side to side. After refusing to perform field sobriety tests, Stanley was handcuffed and placed in the rear of a police car. En route to jail, Stanley reportedly uttered, Just take me home, lets forget this and Im so stupid I should know better. Upon arriving at the county lockup, Stanley continued to yell and scream at cops, resulting in several deputies assisting in removing the defendant from the vehicle. It was only after Stanley was extracted from the cruiser that police located an eight-pack of Deep Eddy Vodka under her bra. One bottle was missing from the pack, cops reported. While court filings do not indicate the size of the individual vodka bottles, physics dictates that they were 50- milliliter nips, the shot-size serving associated with airplane imbibing. Pictured above, Stanley was charged with a pair of misdemeanor DUI counts. After a night in jail, Stanley was released from custody after posting $2000 bond. She is scheduled for an April 19 plea negotiation conference in Circuit Court. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Jody Re: Daylight Saving Time in Europe Dear Webby I know you skype to your dad in Austria. So you would know. When does Europe change to Summer time? Thanks Jody Dear Jody Europe changes on the last Sunday in March. They are still debating on whether to stay with DST or whether to dump it. It won't happen this year. They like their all expenses paid trips to Brussles to debate stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the local doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn ... what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ >From Bill WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss" and "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know,it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday; let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautifulday. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch.. ...naked ____________________________________________ Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten." ____________________________________________ >From Eric I had given our daughter, who was 14 at the time, a driver's manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her drivers permit. "Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book." "You do?" I returned. "Yep", she said, very smugly. I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?" "One," she replied. "What?" I asked. "One?!" She repeated her answer and then because of the con- fused look on my face, she added, "You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ Today, March 20 in 0141 The 6th recorded perihelion passage of Halley's Comet took place. 1413 Henry V took the throne of England upon the death of his father Henry IV. 1525 Paris' parliament began its pursuit of Protestants. 1616 Walter Raleigh was released from Tower of London to seek gold in Guyana. 1627 France & Spain signed an accord for fighting Protestantism. 1739 In India, Nadir Shah of Persia occupied Delhi and took possession of the Peacock throne. 1760 The great fire of Boston destroyed 349 buildings. 1792 In Paris, the Legislative Assembly approved the use of the guillotine. 1800 French army defeated the Turks at Helipolis, Turkey, and advanced into Cairo. 1814 Prince Willem Frederik became the monarch of Netherlands. 1815 Napoleon Bonaparte entered Paris after his escape from Elba and began his "Hundred Days" rule. 1816 The U.S. Supreme Court affirmed its right to review state court decisions. 1833 The U.S. and Siam signed a commercial treaty. 1852 Harriet Beecher Stowes book "Uncle Toms Cabin," subtitled "Life Among the Lowly," was first published. 1854 The Republican Party was organized in Ripon, WI. About 50 slavery opponents began the new political group. 1865 A plan by John Wilkes Booth to abduct U.S. President Abraham Lincoln was ruined when Lincoln changed his plans and did not appear at the Soldiers Home near Washington, DC. 1868 Jesse James Gang robbed a bank in Russelville, KY, of $14,000. 1883 The Unity treaty of Paris was signed to protect industrial property. 1885 John Matzeliger of Suriname patented the shoe lacing machine. 1886 The first AC power plant in the U.S. began commercial operation. 1891 The first computing scale company was incorporated in Dayton, OH. 1896 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua to protect U.S. citizens in the wake of a revolution. 1897 The first U.S. orthodox Jewish Rabbinical seminary was incorporated in New York. 1897 The first intercollegiate basketball game that used five players per team was held. The contest was Yale versus Pennsylvania. Yale won by a score of 32-10. 1899 At Sing Sing prison, Martha M. Place became the first woman to be executed in the electric chair. She was put to death for the murder of her stepdaughter. 1900 It was announced that European powers had agreed to keep China's doors open to trade. 1902 France and Russia acknowledged the Anglo-Japanese alliance. They also asserted their right to protect their interests in China and Korea. 1906 In Russia, army officers mutiny at Sevastopol. 1914 The first international figure skating championship was held in New Haven, CT. 1915 The French called off the Champagne offensive on the Western Front. 1918 The Bolsheviks of the Soviet Union asked for American aid to rebuild their army. 1922 U.S. President Warren G. Harding ordered U.S. troops back from the Rhineland. 1922 The USS Langley was commissioned. It was the first aircraft carrier for the U.S. Navy. 1932 The German dirigible, Graf Zepplin, made the first flight to South America on regular schedule. 1933 The first German concentration camp was completed at Dachau. 1934 Rudolf Kuhnold gave a demonstration of radar in Kiel Germany. 1940 The British Royal Air Force conducted an all-night air raid on the Nazi airbase at Sylt, Germany. 1943 The Allies attacked Field Marshall Erwin Rommel's forces on the Mareth Line in North Africa. 1947 A blue whale weighing 180-metric tons was caught in the South Atlantic. 1952 The U.S. Senate ratified a peace treaty with Japan. 1956 Mount Bezymianny on Kamchatka Peninsula (USSR) exploded. 1956 Tunisia gained independence from France. 1964 The ESRO (European Space Research Organization) was established. 1965 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered 4,000 troops to protect the Selma-Montgomery civil rights marchers. 1969 U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy called on the U.S. to close all bases in Taiwan. 1972 19 mountain climbers were killed on Japan's Mount Fuji during an avalanche. 1976 Patricia Hearst was convicted of armed robbery for her role in the hold up of a San Francisco Bank. 1980 The U.S. made an appeal to the International Court concerning the American Hostages in Iran. 1981 Argentine ex-president Isabel Peron was sentenced to eight years in a convent. 1982 U.S. scientists' returned from Antarctica with the first land mammal fossils found there. 1984 The U.S. Senate rejected an amendment to permit spoken prayer in public schools. 1985 For the first time in its 99-year history, Avon representatives received a salary. Up to that time they had been paid solely on commissions. 1985 Libby Riddles won the 1,135-mile Anchorage-to-Nome dog race becoming the first woman to win the Iditarod. 1987 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved AZT. The drug was proven to slow the progress of AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). 1989 In Belfast, two policemen were killed. The IRA claimed responsibility. 1990 Namibia became an independent nation ending 75 years of South African rule. 1990 Imelda Marcos, widow of ex-Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, went on trial for racketeering, embezzlement and bribery. 1990 In Rumania, tanks were sent to the town of Tirgu Mures to quell ethnic riots. 1991 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled unanimously that employers could not exclude women from jobs where exposure to toxic chemicals could potentially damage a fetus. 1991 The U.S. forgave $2 billion in loans to Poland. 1992 Janice Pennington was awarded $1.3 million for accident on the set of the "Price is Right" TV show. 1993 Russian President Boris Yeltsin declared emergency rule. He set a referendum on whether the people trusted him or the hard-line Congress to govern. 1993 An Irish Republican Army bomb was detonated in Warrington, England. A 3-year-old boy and a 12-year-old boy were killed. 1995 About 35,000 Turkish troops crossed the northern border of Iraq in pursuit of the separatist rebels of the Kurdistan Workers Party (PKK). 1995 In Tokyo, 12 people were killed and more than 5,500 others were sickened when packages containing the nerve gas Sarin was released on five separate subway trains. The terrorists belonged to a doomsday cult in Japan. 1996 In Los Angeles, Erik and Lyle Menendez were found guilty of first-degree murder in the killing of their parents. 1996 The U.K. announced that humans could catch CJD (Mad Cow Disease). 1997 Liggett Group, the maker of Chesterfield cigarettes, settled 22 state lawsuits by admitting the industry marketed cigarettes to teenagers and agreed to warn on every pack that smoking is addictive. 1998 India's new Hindu nationalist-led government pledges to "exercise the option to induct nuclear weapons." 1999 Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones became the first men to circumnavigate the Earth in a hot air balloon. The non-stop trip began on March 3 and covered 26,500 miles. 1999 Legoland California opened Carlsbad, California. 2000 Former Black Panther Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin, once known as H. Rap Brown, was captured following a shootout that left a sherriff's deputy dead. 2002 Actress Pamela Anderson disclosed that she had hepatitis C. 2002 Arthur Andersen pled innocent to charges that it had shredded documents and deleted computer files related to the energy company Enron. 2003 Cisco Systems Inc. announced it was buying The Linksys Group INc. for $500 million in stock. 2003 U.S. and British forces invaded Iraq from Kuwait. 2019 Europe's antitrust regulators fined Google $1.7 billion for freezing out rivals in the online advertising business. 2021 Do smiled.
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