Googlad0r Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, November 5, 2020 ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Man caught in online predator sting re-arrested for having child pornography _____________________________________________________ Today, November 5 in 2009 At Fort Hood, near Kileen, TX, Nidal Malik Hasan shot and killed 13 people and wounded 30 others in a gun-free zone. _____________________________________________________ If there were no God, there would be no Atheists. --- G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936) _____________________________________________________ Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them! _____________________________________________________ Kananaskis yesterday morning - Canada's National Bird - The Gray Jay. Doug McQueen ___________________________________________________ Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Andres Cano Ortiz, 21, Fresno, California, USA Man caught in online predator sting re-arrested for having child pornography A man arrested for trying to meet teens online is once again behind bars for having child pornography, authorities say. Andres Cano Ortiz, 21, was initially arrested by Tulare County sheriff's detectives in connection to a two-month investigation targeting online predators. His arrest was part of an operation where authorities made fake social media accounts of teenage girls and boys to draw out online predators. Officials say he believed he was meeting a minor when detectives took him into custody. Ortiz was released by a judge on his own recognizance. But Tulare County detectives arrested him again in Fresno on Thursday for possession of child pornography. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Barb RE: Currency conversion Dear Webby, Sometimes I have to figure out what a certain amount of Brutish Pounds are in US dollars, but don't want to wait for official trading sites or banks, which are even worse. What do you recommend? Barb Dear Barb With "Brutish" you must have been influenced by their cooking! If you have Chrome, just type into the URL line: 12345 BPD to USD and hit ENTER for an instant result. Have FUN! DearWebby | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients . Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah". 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. 12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. ____________________________________________ A HISTORY OF THANKSGIVING 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie. 1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. 1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time. 1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them. 1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War. 1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3." 1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861. 1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first. 1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River. 1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River. 1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur. 1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around. 1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed. 1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency. ____________________________________________ Girl Power: When and if you are feeling like nothing is going your way, just remember that.... *We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. * We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. * When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic. * Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours. * We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. * We can cry and get off speeding fines. * We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. * Taxis stop for us. * Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. *We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. * Free drinks. Free dinners. Free moving (you get the point). * We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. * We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. * We know The Truth about whether size matters. * New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. * If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're NOT the devil. * Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. * If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling. * We can sleep our way to the top. * Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep. * It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. * No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo. * We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. * If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected. * WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. * If we forget to shave, no one has to know. * We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her ass. * If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. * We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. * If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. *We don't have to memorize Caddy shack or Fletch to fit in. * We have the ability to dress ourselves. * We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month. * We can talk to people of the opposite sex without have to picture them naked. * If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. * Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. * There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. * Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable. * We'll never regret piercing our ears. * We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. * We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. * We'll never discover we've been duped by Wonder Bra. ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today November 5 in 1605 The "Gunpowder Plot" attempted by Guy Fawkes failed when he was captured before he could blow up the English Parliament. Guy Fawkes Day is celebrated every November 5th in Britain to celebrate his failure to blow up all the members of Parliament and King James I. 1844 In California, a grizzly bear underwent a successful cataract operation at the Zoological Garden. 1872 In the U.S., Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for attempting to vote in the presidential election. She never paid the fine. 1895 George B. Selden received the first U.S. patent for an automobile. He sold the rights for $200,000 four years later. 1911 Italy officially annexed Tripoli. 1935 The game "Monopoly" was introduced by Parker Brothers Company. 1940 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office. 1944 Lord Moyne, a British official, was assassinated by the Zionist Stern gang in Cairo, Egypt. 1946 John F. Kennedy was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives at the age of 29. 1955 The Vienna State Opera House in Austria formally re- opened. 1956 British and French forces began landing in Egypt during the Suez Canal Crisis. A cease-fire was declared 2 days later. 1963 Archaeologists found the remains of a Viking settlement at L'Anse aux Meadows, Newfoundland. 1967 In Moscow, the Ostankino Tower opened. It was the world's tallest free-standing structure for nine years. 1974 Ella T. Grasso was elected governor of Connecticut. She was the first woman in the U.S. to win a governorship without succeeding her husband. 1986 The White House reaffirmed the U.S. ban on the sale of weapons to Iran. 1987 In South Africa, Goban Mbeki was released after serving 24 years in the Robben Island prison. He had been sentenced to life for treason against the white minority government of South Africa. 1998 Scientists published a genetic study that showed strong evidence that Thomas Jefferson fathered at least one child (Eston Hemings) of his slave, Sally Hemings. 1990 Rabbi Meir Kahane, founder of the Kach movement, was shot to death after a speech at a New York Hotel. His assassin, Egyptian El Sayyid, was later convicted of the murder and was sentenced to life in prison for his part in the World Trade Center bombing. 1992 Malice Green, a black motorist, was beaten to death in Detroit during a struggle with police. Two officers were later convicted in his death and sentenced to prison. 1994 Former U.S. President Reagan announced that he had Alzheimer's disease. 1994 George Foreman, 45, became boxing's oldest heavyweight champion when he knocked out Michael Moorer in the 10th round of their WBA fight in Las Vegas, NV. 1998 In the U.S., Chairman Henry Hyde of the Judiciary Committee asked President Clinton to answer 81 questions for the House impeachment inquiry. 1998 The U.N. announced that the Taliban militia had killed up to 5,000 civilians in a takeover of an Afghani town. 1999 A 12-day conference on global warming, attended by delegates from 170 nations, ended in Bonn, Germany. 1999 Dennis Rodman (NBA) and Carmen Electra were both arrested and charged with battery and domestic violence in a hotel in Miami Beach, FL. 1999 U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled that Microsoft Corp. enjoyed "monopoly power". 2001 It was announced that European aircraft manufacturer Airbus and Dubai-based Emirates airlines set up a joint venture specializing in airline services. 2009 At Fort Hood, near Kileen, TX, Nidal Malik Hasan shot and killed 13 people and wounded 30 others in a gun-free zone. 2020 Do smiled. |
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