Good Morning, Do, Today is Thursday, May 17 By the time you read this, I will be on the way to Calgary for injections into my eyeballs. That means tomorrow and Saturday and Sunday no newsletters will be sent out and you get to sleep in. Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Dopey Heroin user charged with 4th DUI and released on cheap bail Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 17 in 1948 The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. --- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914) Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. --- Dave Barry (1947 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination;fraternity, maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ At the local gas utility written orders are issued to change meters when they are old or malfunctioning. On the order sheet is a "remarks" section, where the service representative notes any problems that prevented the job from being completed. The most succinct explanation to ever come back was: "DOG DOES NOT WANT METER TO BE CHANGED." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Reece Hanson, 24, West Allis, Wisconsin Dopey Heroin user charged with 4th DUI and released on cheap bail What looked and sounded like a routine traffic stop on March 30 changed gears when the suspect in a black Porsche took off, reaching speeds of up to 100 miles-per-hour. Reece Hanson, who would later be arrested, was behind the wheel, prosecutors say. Stop sticks slowed the vehicle down to around 40 miles-per-hour, and then 20 mph. The driver and passenger jumped out, and police chased them. Police detained the female passenger, who was cited. Police said the driver stumbled down a hill before he was tackled and pepper spray was used. Judging by the mug shot, they wiped the gound with his face. The passenger, who has not been charged, admitted to police that she and Hanson were "avid heroin users," and they were "under the influence of heroin." Hanson, 24, is facing four charges: Vehicle operator flee/elude officer Second degree recklessly endangering safety OWI, fourth offense Operating while revoked (revocation due to alcohol/controlled substance/refusal) He was charged with eluding an officer just one day before this incident in West Allis. Online court records show he has two other open cases in addition to the most recent one. The fleeing/eluding charge was filed in March, and last November, he was charged with obstructing an officer- a misdemeanor. He made his initial appearance in court in the most recent case on April 5. Cash bond was set at a record low of $15,000, probably hoping he will make it a 5th DUI by his court date on June 4 for a status conference. Tech Support Pits From: Bonnie Re: Crap Cleaner Dear Webby I recently installed Crap Cleaner and went in to open it. When I clicked on "Run Cleaner" I got the message "This process will permanently delete files from your system". Can you tell me what files will be deleted? I don't want to delete something important. Thank you again in advance for your help. Bonnie Dear Bonnie Hit Analyze first. Then it will show you the stuff that it considers to be crap. When you hit Run, it will delete all the crap that it lists and shows you in the right hand pane, after you have let it analyze the system. Don't worry, it's not going to delete Windows or the keyboard or anything worth keeping. Have FUN DearWebby Subject: How The Internet Began..... (This is not Al Gore's version) In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began. Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Bob was faced with a difficult decision recently and asked some of his friends what he should do. This is what he got: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts. Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost. Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The nail that sticks out gets hammered. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. Don't judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. Finally he asked me: "Now what do I do?" ==Continued tomorrow== Just kidding I told him that if it didn't kill him, it would make him stronger. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preheat Your Oven Always preheat your oven before baking. Oven temperature is very important for successful baking. Purchase an oven thermometer to verify the temperature in your oven is accurate. Tip: If pans are too close together, you won't get proper heat circulation which could cause uneven baking. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular. After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'" The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son by the shoulders and screamed, "Morris, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget the Trinity business. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!" | The Postal Stones of Madagascar |
___________________________________________________ A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ Workplace euphemisms A term used by a member who works in the tech department: PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer I don't think she's plugged in. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. She's as useful as a screen door on a submarine. He has delusions of adequacy. The cheese slid off his cracker years ago. ____________________________________________________ | Today, May 17 in 1540 Afghan chief Sher Khan defeated Mongul Emperor Humayun at Kanauj. 1630 Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts on Jupiter's surface. 1681 Louis XIV sent an expedition to aid James II in Ireland. As a result, England declared war on France. 1756 Britain declared war on France, beginning the French and Indian War. 1792 The New York Stock Exchange was founded at 70 Wall Street by 24 brokers. 1814 Denmark ceded Norway to Sweden. Norway's constitution, which provided a limited monarchy, was signed. 1875 The first Kentucky Derby was run at Louisville, KY. 1877 The first telephone switchboard burglar alarm was installed by Edwin T. Holmes. 1881 Frederick Douglass was appointed recorder of deeds for Washington, DC. 1926 The U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires was damaged by bombs that were believed set by sympathizers of Sacco and Vanzetti. 1932 The U.S. Congress changed the name "Porto Rico" to "Puerto Rico." 1939 The first fashion to be shown on television was broadcast in New York from the Ritz-Carleton Hotel. 1940 Germany occupied Brussels, Belgium and began the invasion of France. 1946 U.S. President Truman seized control of the nation's railroads, delaying a threatened strike by engineers and trainmen. 1948 The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. 1954 The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled for school integration in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka. The ruling declared that racially segregated schools were inherently unequal. 1956 The first synthetic mica (synthamica) was offered for sale in Caldwell Township, NJ. 1973 The U.S. Senate Watergate Committee began its hearings. 1975 NBC TV bought the rights to show "Gone With the Wind." The one time rights cost NBC $5,000,000. 1980 Rioting erupted in Miami's Liberty City neighborhood after an all-white jury in Tampa acquitted four former Miami police officers of fatally beating black insurance executive Arthur McDuffie. Eight people were killed in the rioting. 1985 Bobby Ewing died on the season finale of "Dallas" on CBS-TV. He returned the following season. 1987 Eric 'Sleepy' Floyd of the Golden State Warriors set a playoff record for points in a single quarter with 29. 1987 An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors. Iraq and the United States called the attack a mistake. 1990 Kelsey Grammer was sentenced to 30 days in jail for DWI. 1996 U.S. President Clinton signed a measure requiring neighborhood notification when sex offenders move in. Megan's Law was named for 7-year-old Megan Kanka, who was raped and killed in 1994. 1997 Rebel leader Kabila declared himself president of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, formerly Zaire. 1997 Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin were married in London. 1999 Eric Ford, a tabloid photographer, was sentenced to 6 months at a halfway house, 3 years probation and 150 hours of community service. The sentence stemmed from a charge that Ford had eavesdropped on a call between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and then sold a recording of the conversation. 2000 Thomas E. Blanton Jr. and David Luker surrendered to police in Birmingham, AL. The two former Ku Klux Klan members were arrested on charges from the bombing of a church in 1963 that killed four young black girls. 2000 Austria, the U.S. and six other countries agreed on the broad outline of a plan that would compensate Nazi-Era forced labor. 2000 It was announced that Terra Networks SA and Lycos would be merging with the new name to be Terra Lycos. Terra made the deal happen with the purchase of $12.5 billion in stock. 2001 The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp based on Charles M. Schulz's "Peanuts" comic strip. 2002 Legoland Deutschland opened in Gnzburg, Germany. 2006 The U.S. aircraft carrier Oriskany was sunk about 24 miles off Pensacola Beach. It was the first vessel sunk under a Navy program to dispose of old warships by turning them into diving attractions. It was the largest man-made reef at the time of the sinking. 2007 Trains crossed the border dividing North and South Korea for the first time since 1953. 2018 Do smiled. |
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