--- Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, July 1 Happy Canada Day! Because Hagar and his crew settled in Newfoundland 300 years before Columbus, Canada Day is 3 days before the American July 4 holiday. The name Canada dates to Jacques Cartier's second voyage (1535- 1536), when he transcribed the Huron-Iroquoian word, Kanata, meaning settlement. By the mid-1500s, Canada was already appearing on European maps of North America as the area north of the St. Lawrence River. Just like on July 4, huge quantities of beer get consumed. Here is the site of Molson Canadian Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Britain's most prolific criminal, 62, back behind bars for his 668th offence Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, July 1 in 1991 The Warsaw Pact dissolved. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad. --- Diogenes the Cynic (412 BC - 323 BC) Happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think. --- Dale Carnegie ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ These ads could have benefitted from a bit of proof-reading! Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Great Dames for sale. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the @#$%^& putt, didn't you?" ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Michael Schletter, 35, Duval County, Florida Britain's most prolific criminal, 62, back behind bars for his 668th offence Patrick Ryan, 62, Accrington, Lancashire, England Patrick Ryan, 62, has run up a staggering 469 convictions for a total of 668 offences, costing UK taxpayers a staggering 3 million to take to court. His criminal record runs to 100 pages and is so long a police force once put a note on it warning workers not to print it out as it would waste too much paper. This week at Preston Crown Court a probation officer referred to Ryan's 'sheer number' of convictions and admitted he had 'never seen a record like it'. Judge Andrew Jefferies QC jailed him for 18 months after hearing how he exposed himself to a bus-load of appalled passengers, groped one and urinated. The judge told him: 'You're 62 and you expose yourself and urinate on a bus.. 'You're drunk and stumbling and grope a woman. No one should have to be groped by a drunk man. 'You then go on another bus and because of the effect of the drink, you urinate again. 'Set against that record, I have no hesitation in sentencing you to 18 months in prison. 'You will serve half of that sentence and will be released on licence and supervision after that. 'During the period of licence and supervision, this would be be a good time to look at your mental health and drinking problem.' Tech Support Pits From: Stormy Re: Computer recommendation Dear Webby I'm giving my Toshiba lap top to my son. What would 'you' recommend for someone who loves to download everything, save up "stuff' and writes? Any help here would be appreciated! The computer store here says they can build one for me, keeping in mind what I want it for. They start at about $1,1000. I am on a diet concerning income, so have to be really sure of what I buy. Thanks, have a super day, stormy Dear Stormy I have heard about the computer stores in your town. Forget them. Go to the next big town, that has a Staples, or shop online. You don't need a high performance machine for bragging on the school bus. The cheapest laptop will be overkill. Staples sometimes have dusty big screen laptops really cheap. I got an Acer Aspire with a 17" screen there for around $300 about 7 years ago, because all the Yuppies want small ones to take into Starbucks, and the huge 17" laptop just gathered dust. It has been my work machine ever since. Don't worry about the disk size. IF and when you run out of space, you can get a USB connected external 2 TeraByte drive, that will become an heirloom. You will never fill that. Have FUN DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Kentucky An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Animals Out of Trash A bungie cord securing the lid should prevent trash from spilling out if an animal tips it over. As a deterrent, fill a spray bottle with ammonia and spray the outside of the can every few days. This will keep animals away. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ What women say and what they mean: FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raise! d eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, ! so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paperwork left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill out a form to get it back. So we left all our trash paper on our desks every night. In a week, the boss had an office full of trash, nobody filled out a retrieval form, and we never heard about the policy again. ____________________________________________________ | Today, July 1 in 0096 Vespasian, a Roman Army leader, was hailed as a Roman Emperor by the Egyptian legions. 1543 England and Scotland signed the peace of Greenwich. 1596 An English fleet under the Earl of Essex, Lord Howard of Effingham and Francis Vere captured and sacked Cadiz, Spain. 1690 The French defeated the forces of the Grand Alliance at Fleurus in the Netherlands. 1798 Napoleon Bonaparte took Alexandria, Egypt. 1845 Uniform postal rates went into effect throughout the United States. The Act of Congress was passed on March 3, 1845. 1847 In New York City, the U.S. Post Office issued its first adhesive stamps. The two stamps available were a 5-cent Benjamin Franklin and a 10-cent George Washington. 1862 The U.S. Congress established the Bureau of Internal Revenue. 1863 During the U.S. Civil War, the first day's fighting at Gettysburg began. 1867 Canada became an independent dominion. 1874 The Philadelphia Zoological Society zoo opened as the first zoo in the United States. 1876 Montenegro declared war on the Turks. 1893 The first bicycle race track in America to be made out of wood was opened in San Francisco, CA. 1898 During the Spanish-American War, Theodore Roosevelt and his "Rough Riders" waged a victorious assault on San Juan Hill in Cuba. 1905 The USDA Forest Service was created within the Department of Agriculture. The agency was given the mission to sustain healthy, diverse, and productive forests and grasslands for present and future generations. 1909 Thomas Edison began commercially manufacturing his new "A" type alkaline storage batteries. 1916 The massive Allied offensive known as the Battle of the Somme began in France. The battle was the first to use tanks. 1940 In Washington, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge was opened to traffic. The bridge collapsed during a wind storm on November 7, 1940. 1941 Bulova Watch Company sponsored the first TV commercial in New York City, NY. 1942 German troops captured Sevestpol, Crimea, in the Soviet Union. 1943 The U.S. Government began automatically withholding federal income tax from paychecks. 1945 New York established the New York State Commission Against Discrimination to prevent discrimination in employment because of race, creed or natural origin. It was the first such agency in the U.S. 1946 U.S. President Harry Truman signed Public Law 476 that incorporated the Civil Air Patrol as a benevolent, nonprofit organization. The Civil Air Patrol was created on December 1, 1941. 1946 The U.S. exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific Ocean. 1948 The price of a subway ride in New York City was increased from 5 cents to 10. 1950 American ground troops arrived in South Korea to stem the tide of the advancing North Korean army. 1960 Somalia gained its independence from Britain through the unification of Somaliland with Italian Somalia. 1961 British troops landed in Kuwait to aid against Iraqi threats. 1961 The first community air-raid shelter was built. The shelter in Boise, ID had a capacity of 1,000 people and family memberships sold for $100. 1963 The U.S. postmaster introduced the five-digit ZIP (Zoning Improvement Plan) code. 1966 The Medicare federal insurance program went into effect. 1968 The Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty was signed by 60 countries. It limited the spreading of nuclear material for military purposes. On May 11, 1995, the treaty was extended indefinitely. 1969 Britain's Prince Charles was invested as the Prince of Wales. 1974 Isavel Peron became the president of Argentina upon the death of her husband, Juan. 1979 Sony introduced the Walkman. 1981 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that candidates for federal office had an "affirmative right" to go on national television. 1987 John Kevin Hill, at age 11, became the youngest to fly across the U.S. when he landed at National Airport in Washington, DC. 1989 The Montreal Protocol, an international treaty, went into effect. It limited the production of ozone-destroying chemicals. 1991 The Warsaw Pact dissolved. 1994 Yasser Arafat of the Palestinian Liberation Organization visited the Gaza Strip. 1997 The sovereignty over Hong Kong was transferred from Great Britain to China. Britain had controlled Hong Kong as a colony for 156 years. 1999 The U.S. Justice Department released new regulations that granted the attorney general sole power to appoint and oversee special counsels. The 1978 independent-counsel statute expired on June 30. 2003 In Hong Kong, thousands of protesters marched to show their opposition to anti-subversion legislation. 2018 Do smiled. |
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