Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, Sept 8 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ Q Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. --- Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865) Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) Democracy is 30 kids outvoting the teacher and deciding that going outside and play in the mud is more important than learning math. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award AZ jewelry store shoplifter tackled and stopped by bystanders ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 8, in 2015; British researchers announced that evidence of a larger version of Stonehenge had been located about 2 miles from the Stonehenge location. There were 90 buried stones that had been found by ground penetrating radar. ___________________________________________________ A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine???" __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered. The teacher smiled and said, "I'd like to talk to your mother or father." Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here." "Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?" Little Johnny said, "Beats me, but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!" ___________________________________________________ What do you mean, 'leering?' Her boobs are obstructing my view. __________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm --prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ___________________________________________________ "What She Says: What She Really Means:" "We need" I want "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ... "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook ? "Does this dress look OK ?" I need a new wardrobe "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out ? "You're so attentive tonight" Is sex all you ever think about ? "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you crazy sex maniac "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Won't you be late for work ?" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer ? "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower "You have such a manly scent" For Lord's sake. Use some deodorant "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear "I'm not upset !" Of course I'm upset, you moron "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid "Nothing is wrong" Other than you're such an butthole "Hang the picture there" NO -- there ! Can't you listen ? "Hon, I hate to interrupt..." Turn off the damn TV "When you get a chance ..." Get up & do it right now ! "When you get time ... " Get up & do it right now ! "I just remembered ..." Get up & do it right now ! "No hurry, but ..." Get up & do it right now ! "Did you lock the front door ?" Get up & go check, now ! "I think I heard a noise" Get up & go check, now ! _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Adam Re: Clean monitor Dear Webby, When I bought my nice, big monitor, I read that it should only be cleaned dry with some expensive cleaning cloth. Well, that has disappeared long ago. Now what do I do? Adam Dear Adam The front most layer is just glass. Dry cloth will dull it and force you to buy a new one. Windex, or a generic equivalent, works very well on glass. So does white vinegar. You don't have to soak it in liquids, just gently spray it with a Windex or equivalent sprayer, wait a few seconds, and clean it with some paper towel. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to copy it. You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author." ___________________________________________________ A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Overheard: We serve coffee after church to get people awake before they drive home. _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Troy Bell, 53, Scottsdale, Arizona, USA AZ jewelry store shoplifter tackled and stopped by bystanders A jewelry store shoplifting attempt went wrong in Scottsdale, all thanks to the brave bystanders who tackled the alleged thief and held him down until police could arrive. The incident happened in Old Town Scottsdale, near 5th Avenue and Scottsdale Road. The incident happened at around 11:30 a.m. on Sept. 1, and a bystander captured the moment when a man, who was dressed in a suit, ran out of a jewelry store with a tray of jewels. "Screaming just catch him! He just robbed the jewelry store! So we just grabbed him, held him down, and the police were here within three to four minutes," said one of the bystanders involved, identified only as Mark. Mark and his wife were on vacation, and had just walked into Marina Jewelry when they saw the man grab the jewelry. "We were here for her birthday, and we were here at the shop shopping, and the gentleman ran out with a whole tray of jewelry, and we tackled him and waited for the police to show up," said Mark. Scottsdale police arrested the suspect, identified as 53-year- old Troy Bell. During his escape, he dropped and damaged some of the jewels. However, the jewelry was all recovered. Other stores nearby say they recognized the suspect. For now, Bell has been booked and accused of shoplifting, assault and failure to provide a truthful name. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 8, in 1565; A Spanish expedition established the first permanent European settlement in North America at present-day St. Augustine, FL. 1664; The Dutch surrendered New Amsterdam to the British, who then renamed it New York. 1866; The first recorded birth of sextuplets took place in Chicago, IL. The parents were James and Jennie Bushnell. 1892; An early version of "The Pledge of Allegiance" appeared in "The Youth's Companion." 1893; In New Zealand, the Electoral Act 1893 was passed by the Legislative Council. It was consented by the governor on September 19 giving all women in New Zealand the right to vote. 1935; U.S. Senator Huey P. Long, "The Kingfish" of Louisiana politics, was shot and mortally wounded. He died two days later. 1945; In Washington, DC, a bus equipped with a two-way radio was put into service for the first time. 1945; Bess Myerson of New York was crowned Miss America. She was the first Jewish contestant to win the title. 1951; A peace treaty with Japan was signed by 48 other nations in San Francisco, CA. 1960; NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, AL, was dedicated by U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower. The facility had been activated in July earlier that year. 1966; NBC-TV aired the first episode of "Star Trek" entitled "The Man Trap". The show was canceled on September 2, 1969. 1974; U.S. President Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former U.S. President Nixon. 1975; In Boston, MA, public schools began their court-ordered citywide busing program amid scattered incidents of violence. 1997; America Online acquired CompuServe. 1999; Russia's Mission Control switched off the Mir space station's central computer and other systems to save energy during a planned six months of unmanned flights. 2015; British researchers announced that evidence of a larger version of Stonehenge had been located about 2 miles from the Stonehenge location. There were 90 buried stones that had been found by ground penetrating radar. 2023, Do smiled.
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