Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, December 2 If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! Thank you Trevor !! Thank you, Loren! ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Shackled Collegian, 22, Asked Police To "Pinch My Nipples" ____________________________________ Today, December 2 in 1961 Cuban leader Fidel Castro declared in a nationally broadcast speech that he was a Marxist-Leninist and that he was going to lead Cuba to communism. _____________________________________________________ You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. --- Charles Austin Beard (1874 - 1948) Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. --- Alan Corenk __________________________________________ At my divorce my then-to-be-ex said to the judge: "And that, your Honor, is MY side of the story. Now, let me tell you HIS." _____________________________________________________ Snowy Owl Santisouk ___________________________________________________ The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine." She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole." She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Joseph Lancaster, 22, University of South Florida Florida, USA Shackled Collegian, 22, Asked Police To "Pinch My Nipples" After being placed in shackles due to some alleged drunken dumbassery, a Florida collegian told cops that being restrained gets me off, and then requested someone pinch my nipples, according to an arrest report. Cops allege that Joseph Lancaster, a 22-year-old University of South Florida student, caused a disturbance early Sunday after refusing to pay an $820 bill at a St. Petersburg nightspot. After Lancaster argued with security guards, his friends stepped in and paid the bar tab. Lancaster, stumbling and slurring his words, then began shouting, I am sorry none of you graduated high school, but fuck you. Upon being detained by police, Lancasters belligerence did not cease. Fuck you, pussy and Bro, this is fucked, he shouted, cops noted. When a police transport van arrived, Lancaster even argued with the van driver, the report states. The defendant had to be placed in shackles and stated, This gets me off. He also said pinch my nipples. Charged with disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor, Lancaster was booked into the county jail (from which he was released this morning after posting $100 bond). Pictured above, Lancaster was arrested in June for driving under the influence. He was freed on $500 bond in that pending misdemeanor case, which is scheduled for a December 11 hearing. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Rhonda RE: Clean temp files and obsolete stuff Dear Webby, Which of the hundreds of programs available for cleaning old temp files and other useless stuff is the most bang for the buck ? Thanks Rhonda Dear Rhonda Try CrapCleaner. It does the same as programs costing over $100, but it's free, fast, easy to use and reliable.. You can get it from http://www.ccleaner.com Have FUN! DearWebby | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Jack and jill went up the hill, for just an itty-bitty, jill's now 2 months overdue, and jack has left the city. ____________________________________________ how many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden retriever: the sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Border collie: just one. And i'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy poodle: i'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: go ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . Lab: oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can i? Can i? Huh? Huh? Can i? Malamute: let the border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker spaniel: why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman pinscher: while it's dark, i'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: mastiffs are not afraid of the dark. Hound dog: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz chihuahua: yo quiero taco bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: it isn't moving. Who cares? Australian shepherd: put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old english sheep dog: light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? ____________________________________________ sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, sandy offered, "would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, sandy then asked, "why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "i'm the goalie!" _______________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today December 2 in 1804 Napoleon was crowned emperor of France at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. 1816 The first savings bank in the U.S., the Philadelphia Savings Fund Society, opened for business. 1823 U.S. President James Monroe outlined his doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 1901 Gillette patented the KC Gillette Razor. It was first razor to feature a permanent handle and disposable double-edge razor blades. 1917 During World War I, hostilities were suspended on the eastern front. 1927 The Ford Motor Company unveiled the Model A automobile. It was the successor to the Model T. 1939 New York's La Guardia Airport began operations as an airliner from Chicago landed at 12:01 a.m. 1942 A self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated by Dr. Enrico Fermi and his staff at the University of Chicago. 1954 The U.S. Senate voted to condemn Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy for what it called "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." The censure was related to McCarthy's controversial investigation of suspected communists in the U.S. government, military and civilian society. 1961 Cuban leader Fidel Castro declared in a nationally broadcast speech that he was a Marxist-Leninist and that he was going to lead Cuba to communism. 1969 The Boeing 747 jumbo jet got its first public preview as 191 people flew from Seattle, WA, to New York City, NY. Most of the passengers were reporters and photographers. 1970 The Environmental Protection Agency began operations. 1980 The Central Committee of Polands Communist Party announced major Politburo changes. The changes were aimed at coping with labor unrest. 1982 Doctors at the University of Utah implanted a permanent artificial heart in the chest of retired dentist Barney Clark. He lived 112 days with the device. The operation was the first of its kind. 1988 Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as prime minister of Pakistan. 1989 V.P. Singh was sworn in as prime minister of India. 1990 Chancellor Hekmut Kohl's coalition won the first free all- German elections since 1932. 1990 The Midwest section of the U.S. prepared for a massive earthquake predicted by Iben Browning. The earthquakes did not occur. 1992 Germany's lower house of parliament voted in favor of the Maastricht Treaty on European unity. 1993 The space shuttle Endeavor blasted off on a mission to fix the Hubble Space Telescope. 1994 The U.S. government agreed not to seek a recall of allegedly fire-prone General Motors pickup trucks. A deal was made with GM under which the company would spend more than $51 million on safety and research. 1995 NASA launched a U.S.-European observatory on a $1 billion dollar mission intended to study the sun. 1997 U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno declined to seek an independent counsel investigation of telephone fund-raising by President Clinton and Vice President Gore. She had concluded that they had not violated election laws. 1998 Microsoft Corp. chairman Bill Gates donated $100 million to help immunize children in developing countries. 1999 The British government transferred political power over the province of Northern Ireland to the Northern Ireland Executive. 2001 Enron Corp. filed for Chapter 11 reorganization. The filing came five days after Dynegy walked away from a $8.4 billion buyout. It was the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. 2010 NASA announced the discovery of a new arsenic-based life form. 2020 Do smiled. |
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