Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, February 27 Today's Bonehead Award: "Naked And Belligerent" Florida Woman Busted ______________________________________________________ Today, February 27 in 1997 In Ireland, divorce became legal. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ) Clarke was claiming in the 60s that your muscle cars were bringing on an ice age. In the 90's Al Gore used the same arguments to claim that your cars were bringing on Gullible Warming. Well, the Gullible Warming cycle has peaked and it is time for the "Ice Age is coming!" scare again. ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!" ______________________________________________________ Manarola, Italy _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ Correction: Tom told me that yesterday's Fentanyl mule is actually in Virginia. An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Samantha Jewel Hernandez, 21, Vero Beach, Florida "Naked And Belligerent" Florida Woman Busted Cops today arrested a naked and belligerent Florida Woman for allegedly attacking her fiance after he declined to have sex with her, according to a police report. Officers responding early this morning to a disturbance call at a Vero Beach apartment building encountered Samantha Jewel Hernandez, 21, sans clothes and in an ornery mood. Hernandez (pictured at right) denied doing anything to her fiance, but was too intoxicated to provide further information. The victim, 21, told police that Hernandez wanted to engage him in sexual intercourse, which he declined. Hernandez was angry at the fact that [the victim] did not want to have sex and began attacking him, striking him in the face and ripping his shirt. Cops noted that the man had scratches on his face and neck and was wearing a torn shirt. Hernandez was then arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge based on her boyfriend's statements and injuries observed on scene. Hernandez, who works as a cashier, and the victim have lived together for two years, cops reported. After being placed in the rear of a police cruiser, Hernandez maliciously spit on the arm of a patrolman while yelling profanities. As a result, she was charged with battery on a police officer, a felony. A judge today scheduled Hernandez's arraignment for April 12 and ordered her to have no contact with her fiance. Hernandez, seen in the below mug shot, is being held in the county jail in lieu of $6000 bond. >From Loretta Re: Are my drivers up to date? Dear DearWebby I keep getting ads for checking my drivers. Most of them seem BS, because they are way too wordy. If it takes that many pages to sell something, it usually is boohl sheet. Since everything works, do I really have to worry about my drivers? Thanks Loretta Dear Loretta You are right. When everything works, don't f***, ahem, mess with it. If you are curious about your drivers, hit START and type dxdiag and hit ENTER. Then go get a coffee. When you come back you have the Direct X Diagnostic tool open. Yes, that is indeed a lot more information than you really need, but you can goof around in that. It might point out the odd unsigned or out of date driver. You don't have to panic about that. A lot of those devices don't have new drivers available. Remember the spectacular failure of VISTA and Windows8, that failed mostly because of a lack of drivers? Printer and scanner and camera companies did not bother to produce VISTA drivers for sold and paid for devices. The same thing is still going on. It may be interesting to check all that out, but if something works, don't worry about it. Have Fun! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, looked up at the light and started to howl. "Oh, Nooooooh! He's a Pentecostal!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Thanks to Dave for bringing back this delightful classic: A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the presenters were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was another man's wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that was another man's wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Rain Checks If a store runs out of an item that is on sale, ask them for a rain check. Rain checks allow you to pay the sale price for the item at a later date. If the store can't give you a rain check, take the ad to a competitor to see if they will price match. Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | Unbelievable places that really exist. |
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this story: An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind him. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?" The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I messed with your mother, she gave me a cookie." ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks." ___________________________________________________ | Today February 27 in 1700 The Pacific Island of New Britain was discovered. 1827 New Orleans held its first Mardi Gras celebration. 1861 In Warsaw, Russian troops fired on a crowd protesting Russian rule over Poland. Five protesting marchers were killed in the incident. 1867 Dr. William G. Bonwill invented the dental mallet. 1883 Oscar Hammerstein patented the first cigar-rolling machine. 1896 The "Charlotte Observer" published a picture of an X-ray photograph made by Dr. H.L. Smith. The photograph showed a perfect picture of all the bones of a hand and a bullet that Smith had placed between the third and fourth fingers in the palm. 1900 In South Africa, the British received an unconditional surrender from Boer Gen. Piet Cronje at Paardeberg. 1922 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the 19th Amendment that guaranteed women the right to vote. 1933 The Reichstag, Germany's parliament building in Berlin, was set afire. The Nazis accused Communists for the fire. 1939 The U.S. Supreme Court outlawed sit-down strikes. 1949 Chaim Weizmann became the first Israeli president. 1951 The 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, limiting U.S. Presidents to two terms. 1972 The Shanghai Communique was issued by U.S. President Nixon and Chinese Premier Chou En-lai. 1973 The American Indian Movement occupied Wouned Knee in South Dakota. 1981 Chrysler Corporation was granted an additional $400 million in federal loan guarantees. Chrysler had posted a loss of $1.7 billion in 1980. 1982 Wayne B. Williams was convicted of murdering two of the 28 black children and young adults whose bodies were found in Atlanta, GA, over a two-year period. 1986 The U.S. Senate approved the telecast of its debates on a trial basis. 1990 The Exxon Corporation and Exxon Shipping were indicted on five criminal counts in reference to the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill. 1991 U.S. President George H.W. Bush announced live on television that "Kuwait is liberated." 1997 In Ireland, divorce became legal. 1998 Britain's House of Lords agreed to give a monarch's first- born daughter the same claim to the throne as any first-born son. This was the end to 1,000 years of male preference. 1999 Colin Prescot and Andy Elson set a new hot air balloon endurance record when they had been aloft for 233 hours and 55 minutes. The two were in the process of trying to circumnavigate the Earth. 1999 Nigeria returned to civilian rule when Gen. Olusegun Obasanjo became the country's first elected president since August of 1983. 2002 In Boston, twenty people working at Logan International Airport were charged with lying to get their jobs or security badges. 2019 Do smiled. |
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