Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, March 5 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Man held without bail in I-495 hatchet carjackings Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, March 5 in 1624 In the American colony of Virginia, the upper class was exempted from whipping by legislation. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! -- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ THE TODDLER DIET Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. ______________________________________________________ An wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 85." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Brittlebush, south of Tucson, AZ And here we have 2 feet of snow. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Lorna for this report: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1953." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Marcos Garcia, 42, Lawrence, Massawhosits Man held without bail in I-495 hatchet carjackings A Lawrence man who allegedly used a hatchet to carjack another car following a crash on Interstate 495 on Wednesday night is being held without bail. Marcos Garcia, 42, was arraigned on Thursday in his hospital bed at Lahey Hospital and Medical Center. He pleaded, through an interpreter, not guilty to two counts of carjacking, one count of negligent operation of a motor vehicle and one count of resisting arrest. Garcia will face a judge again next Wednesday in Ayer District Court for a dangerousness hearing, assuming he's not hospitalized. Around 7:15 p.m. Wednesday, state police were dispatched to a reported motor vehicle crash on the southbound side of Interstate 495 in Chelmsford. State police said in a press release that night that Garcia had operated one of the vehicles involved, then allegedly used a hatchet to carjack another vehicle and continued along 495 until he struck two other vehicles and crashed in Littleton. Thursday's arraignment stems from the Littleton crash. Police are still investigating the Chelmsford portion of the alleged incident. Assistant District Attorney April O'Brien said Thursday that Garcia attempted to steal the two vehicles following the crash in Littleton. The driver of a black BMW told police Garcia, at the time shirtless and covered in blood, entered his car and tried to steal it, while the driver of a Toyota Sienna told police he attempted to enter her car. "He was swaying on his feet," O'Brien said during Thursday's arraignment. "Police continued to yell at him to comply. He was punching his fists. He said no. Police had to use a Taser. It took them activating the Taser five times to get the defendant under control." No mention was made at Thursday's arraignment of the hatchet Garcia allegedly used to carjack the first vehicle. The charges were read to Garcia through an interpreter. He sat upright and alert, handcuffed to his hospital bed with a bandage on the right side of his face. Judge David Frank ordered Garcia held without bail until his dangerousness hearing. Thomas Combs, Garcia's attorney, declined to comment following Thursday's arraignment. Tom O'Donnell, of Westford, who was driving on I-495 at the time of the initial tractor-trailer crash in Chelmsford, said he "saw a van screaming down the high-speed lane." According to O'Donnell, the driver of the van was the carjacker. "I spoke to the driver of the tractor trailer," O'Donnell said. "He said the van cut in front of him." This caused the tractor trailer to swerve in an attempt to avoid contact with the reckless vehicle. "The tractor-trailer driver was a real hero in my opinion by keeping control of his truck," O'Donnell said. "I'm amazed that the only person hurt was the driver of the van." _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Don C Re: Censored Dear Webby, Frequently I find jokes or other anecdotes have been cut short by a line of equal signs which prevent me from reading the rest of the story. Following is an example. Is it somthing I am doing? What can I do to correct it? Thank you. Don C valve stems were all even. Without even a laugh or a chuckle, he did as she had asked, and put "Rotated tires" onfiltered=============== Dear Don "onfiltered==" means that Yahoo has censored some stuff. Once you graduate and upgrade to a better mail system, that nonsense will instantly stop. In the meantime you can check the on-line copy at http://webby.com/humor or the archive blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog to see what the punch line is, that everybody else got in their mail. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel in England to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from Stoney Beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Take a Break From Your Computer Avoid sitting in front of your computer for more than 30 minutes at a time. If you find you lose track of time, set a timer to go off in 30 minutes. Then get up, stretch, and walk around a bit before sitting back down. It also helps ease eye strain if you periodically look at distant objects. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ The supervisor for the British Government Road Construction Workers Union called the meeting to order. "Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the Government. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!" "HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered. "We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!" "HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared. "We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!" "HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered. "And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!" Silence. A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?" | Let's take a trip to Scotland. |
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple: When I sell it, my wife will kill me!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, March 5 in 1623 The first alcohol temperance law in the colonies was enacted in Virginia. 1624 In the American colony of Virginia, the upper class was exempted from whipping by legislation. 1750 "King Richard III" was performed in New York City. It was the first Shakespearean play to be presented in America. 1766 The first Spanish governor of Louisiana, Antonio de Ulloa, arrived in New Orleans. 1770 "The Boston Massacre" took place when British troops fired on a crowd in Boston killing five people. Two British troops were later convicted of manslaughter. 1793 Austrian troops defeated the French and recaptured Liege. 1836 Samuel Colt's Patent Arms Manufacturing of Paterson, New Jersey, was chartered by the New Jersey legislature. 1842 A Mexican force of over 500 men under Rafael Vasquez invaded Texas for the first time since the revolution. They briefly occupied San Antonio, but soon headed back to the Rio Grande. 1845 The U.S. Congress appropriated $30,000 to ship camels to the western U.S. 1872 George Westinghouse patented the air brake. Air brakes had been around, but he came up with car borne reservoirs that made them much more efficient. 1900 Two U.S. battleships left for Nicaragua to halt revolutionary disturbances. 1901 Germany and Britain began negotiations with hopes of creating an alliance. 1902 In France, the National Congress of Miners decided to call for a general strike for an 8-hour day. 1907 In St. Petersburg, Russia, the new Duma opened. 40,000 demonstrators were dispersed by troops. 1910 In Philadelphia, PA, 60,000 people left their jobs to show support for striking transit workers. 1910 The Moroccan envoy signed the 1909 agreement with France. 1912 The Italians became the first to use dirigibles for military purposes. They used them for reconnaissance flights behind Turkish lines west of Tripoli. 1918 The Soviets moved the capital of Russia from Petrograd to Moscow. 1922 "Annie Oakley" (Phoebe Ann Moses) broke all existing records for women's trap shooting. She hit 98 out of 100 targets. 1923 Old-age pension laws were enacted in the states of Montana and Nevada. 1933 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered a four-day bank holiday in order to stop large amounts of money from being withdrawn from banks. 1933 The Nazi Party won 44 percent of the vote in German parliamentary elections. 1934 In Amarillo, TX, the first Mother's-In-Law Day was celebrated. 1943 Germany called fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds for military service due to war losses. 1946 Winston Churchill delivered his "Iron Curtain Speech". 1946 The U.S. sent protests to the U.S.S.R. re incursions into Manchuria and Iran. 1953 Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin died. He had been in power for 29 years. 1956 The U.S. Supreme Court affirmed the ban on segregation in public schools. 1970 A nuclear non-proliferation treaty went into effect after 43 nations ratified it. It made no difference. 1976 The British pound fell below the equivalent of $2 for the first time in history. 1984 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that cities had the right to display the Nativity scene as part of their Christmas display. 1984 The U.S. accused Iraq of using poison gas. 1985 Mike Bossy (New York Islanders) became the first National Hockey League player to score 50 goals in eight consecutive seasons. 1993 Cuban President Fidel Castro said that Hillary Clinton was "a beautiful woman." 1993 Sprinter Ben Johnson was banned from racing for life by the Amateur Athletic Association after testing positive for banned performance-enhancing substances for a second time. 1998 NASA announced that an orbiting craft had found enough water on the moon to support a human colony and rocket fueling station. 1998 It was announced that Air Force Lt. Col. Eileen Collins would lead crew of Columbia on a mission to launch a large X-ray telescope. She was the first woman to command a space shuttle mission. 2018 Do smiled. |
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