Good Morning, Do, Today is Monday, March 19 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Habitual gun thief caught in Florida Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, March 18 in 1931 The state of Nevada legalized gambling. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. --- Robert Anton Wilson The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth. --- Edith Sitwell _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie for this observation: My sister decided that marriage is not for her. She has no end of trouble trying to double any recipe in the book. For example her oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. ______________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "I fixed that dripping tap in your bath." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A Somali arrives in Calgary as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, " Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, foodstamps, free medical care and free education!" The passer-by says, "You are wrong, I am Mexican" The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!" The person says, "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Syria, I am not Canadian!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you a Canadian?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?" The Russian lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work!" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Bruquanna Griffin, Jacksonville, Floriduh Florida woman pleads guilty to stealing guns from 3 stores A Jacksonville woman is facing up to 15 years in prison after pleading guilty to stealing guns from three local stores over the summer. Bruquanna Griffin's profile picture on Facebook shows her posing with a large gun. She came and snuck in behind [the counter], opened her purse and started shoveling pistols into her purse, said Green Acres Sporting Goods salesman Phillip Gazaleh. Gazaleh said employees locked the door so she couldn't escape before police got there. She was like, 'I'm not taking nothing. I just wanted to take a look at the guns.' Which was obviously a blatant lie. She had the guns in her purse, Gazaleh said. Griffin has been booked into Duval County jail eight times since 2015 -- mostly theft charges, including one at Beauty Depot in 2016 when police say she got kids involved. The JSO report said Griffin walked into Beauty Depot in Edgewood with three kids and had them help her steal shoes. The report said they ran out into the parking lot where a getaway truck was waiting. Police said Griffin tried to drive off without the kids, and eventually told at least one child to get in the pickup truck bed. There has to be a certain point where you put an end to it. You can't be a habitual thief and keep getting out of jail, or keep getting away scot-free. At a certain point, you have to be held accountable for your actions, Gazaleh said. Tech Support Pits From: Buddy Re: CD drive causes a restart Dear Webby I began to have this problem recently. When i put a disk into the CD write drive to store info or make a duplicate copy the computer shuts down immediately and restarts itself. is the drive bad or is it another problem. Thanks Buddy Dear Buddy Yes, I would say the drive is bad. You can try re-installing the burner software, but I have a hunch that may be a waste of time. Have FU!N DearWebby After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped, then apologizing for her rudeness. She explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the department of motor vehicles and I am way past sane." The clerk kindly asked, "Shall I gift wrap the bat, or are you going back there?" Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" The man said, "I was looking for my father." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Choosing a Veterinarian When you are choosing a veterinarian, ask friends and family in your area if they have a vet they would recommend. It's important to find a vet that is good with both people and animals; someone who is willing to take time to answer any questions that you may have. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie for this story: The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." | Follow in the footsteps of 10th-century emperors. |
___________________________________________________ Classic: Thanks to Sandie for this story: Southern Grandmother on the Witness Stand: Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you" The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife With three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him". The defense attorney almost died. The judge promptly asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, March 19 in 1571 Spanish troops occupied Manila. 1628 The Massachusetts colony was founded by Englishmen. 1644 200 members of the Peking imperial family/court committed suicide. 1687 French explorer La Salle was murdered by his own men while searching for the mouth of the Mississippi River, in the Gulf of Mexico. 1702 Upon the death of William III of Orange, Anne Stuart, the sister of Mary, succeeds to the throne of England, Scotland and Ireland. 1748 The English Naturalization Act passed granting Jews right to colonize in the U.S. 1775 Poland & Prussia signed a trade agreement. 1831 The first bank robbery in America was reported. The City Bank of New York City lost $245,000 in the robbery. 1865 The Battle of Bentonville took place. The Confederates retreated from Greenville, NC. 1866 The immigrant ship Monarch of the Seas sank in Liverpool killing 738. 1879 Jim Currie opened fire on the actors Maurice Barrymore and Ben Porter near Marshall, TX. The shots wounded Barrymore and killed Porter. 1895 The Los Angeles Railway was established to provide streetcar service. 1900 U.S. President McKinley asserted that there was a need for free trade with Puerto Rico. 1900 Archeologist Arthur John Evans began the excavation of Knossos Palace in Greece. 1903 The U.S. Senate ratified the Cuban treaty, gaining naval bases in Guantanamo and Bahia Honda. 1905 French explorer S. de Segonzac was taken prisoner by Moroccans. 1906 Reports from Berlin estimated the cost of the German war in S.W. Africa at $150 million. 1908 The state of Maryland barred Christian Scientists from practicing without medical diplomas. 1915 Pluto was photographed for the first time. However, it was not known at the time. 1917 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the Adamson Act that made the eight-hour workday for railroads constitutional. 1918 The U.S. Congress approved Daylight-Saving Time. 1918 A slow German seaplane was shot down for the first time by an American pilot. 1920 The U.S. Senate rejected the Versailles Treaty for the second time maintaining an isolation policy. 1924 U.S. troops were rushed to Tegucigalpa as rebel forces took the Honduran capital. 1931 The state of Nevada legalized gambling. 1940 The French government of Daladier fell. 1942 The Thoroughbred Racing Association was formed in Chicago. 1944 Tippett's oratorium "Child of Our Time," premiered in London. 1945 About 800 people were killed as Japanese kamikaze planes attacked the U.S. carrier Franklin off Japan. 1945 Adolf Hitler issued his "Nero Decree" which ordered the destruction of German facilities that could fall into Allied hands as German forces were retreating. 1947 Chiang Kai-Shek's government forces took control of Yenan, the former headquarters of the Chinese Communist Party. 1948 Lee Savold knocked out Gino Buonvino in 54 seconds of the first round of their prize fight at Madison Square Gardens. 1949 The Soviet People's Council signed the constitution of the German Democratic Republic, and declared that the North Atlantic Treaty was merely a war weapon. 1954 Viewers saw the first televised prize fight shown in color when Joey Giardello knocked out Willie Tory in round seven at Madison Square Garden in New York City. 1954 The first rocket-driven sled that ran on rails was tested in Alamogordo, NM. 1963 In Costa Rica, U.S. President John F. Kennedy and six Latin American presidents pledged to fight Communism. 1965 Indonesia nationalized all foreign oil companies. 1965 Rembrandt's "Titus" sold for $7,770,000. 1968 Students at Howard University seized an administration building. 1969 The British invaded Anguilla. 1972 India and Bangladesh signed a friendship treaty. 1976 Buckingham Palace announced the separation of Princess Margaret and her husband, the Earl of Snowdon, after 16 years of marriage. 1977 Congo President Marien Ngouabi was killed by a suicide commando. 1977 France performed a nuclear test at Muruora Island. 1981 During a test of the space shuttle Columbia two workers were injured and one was killed. 1981 The Buffalo Sabres set an NHL record when they scored 9 goals in one period against Toronto. 1984 A Mobile oil tanker spilled 200,000 gallons into the Columbia River. 1985 IBM announced that it was planning to stop making the PCjr consumer-oriented computer. 1985 The U.S. Senate voted to authorize production of the MX missile. 1987 Televangelist Jim Bakker resigned from the PTL due to a scandal involving Jessica Hahn. 1988 Two British soldiers were killed by mourners at a funeral in Belfast, North Ireland. The soldiers were shot to death after being dragged from a car and beaten. 1990 Latvia's political opposition claimed victory in the republic's first free elections in 50 years. 1990 The first world ice hockey tournament for women was held in Ottawa. 1991 Brett Hull, of the St. Louis Blues, became the third National Hockey League (NHL) player to score 80 goals in a season. 1994 The largest omelet in history was made with 160,000 eggs in Yokohama, Japan. 1998 The World Health Organization warned of tuberculosis epidemic that could kill 70 million people in next two decades. 1999 53 people were killed and dozens were injured when a bomb exploded in a market place in southern Russia. 2000 Vector Data Systems conducted a simulation of the 1993 Branch Davidian siege in Waco, TX. The simulation showed that the government had not fired first. 2001 California officials declared a power alert and ordered the first of two days of rolling blackouts. 2002 Operation Anaconda, the largest U.S.-led ground offensive since the Gulf War, ended in eastern Afghanistan. During the operation, which began on March 2, it was reported that at least 500 Taliban and al Qaeda fighters were killed. Eleven allied troops were killed during the same operation. 2003 U.S. President George W. Bush announced that U.S. forces had launched a strike against "targets of military opportunity" in Iraq. The attack, using cruise missiles and precision-guided bombs, were aimed at Iraqi leaders thought to be near Baghdad. 2018 Do smiled. |
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